Signs and Me

Sometimes i wonder about the games of the universe. I remember sitting in my living room watching some next cheesey rom com, or harping on about something. I asked god to find me a good man who would love me for who i was, be passionate about me, and have excitement for me. I returned to daily grind and my crush, who at the time i'd already started to despise suddenly decided to start talking to me. I'm unusual in my choices of men. I can blame chlaustrophobic scenario's, lack of choice and diversity, fragility, but sometimes i wonder if it's just me. Constantly picking the most emotionally unavailable guy, the height of emotional unavailability...a guy that can't stand you. Life is funny. I remember for that moment it felt like we were finally communicating, he walked with me, i remember how cold it was, that his teeth were chattering, but he still persisted in bombarding me with info about himself. I was so nervous, it's been a while since i've been nervous like that, thinking what do i say next, how do i join the dots? Why has this arsehole suddenly turned nice, there's a trick in here somewhere. Anyway since i left that place and their version of reality, it's annoying how his name comes up everywhere. Big billboards, funeral parlous? an old friend whose daughter has a crush on a guy with exactly the same names, tv brands, it's almost as if his name never existed before i met him, but i know it did. I keep having this highly deluded love fantasy, i think every body with an uninvited crush does. Where you show up where he's at, dressed like a hollywood scene, and your crush has regrets dripping of them like flashy diamonds. In my fantasy we talk, that's mostly it. We never really got to talk much, i dreaded conversations with him as people around him went out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable.  They figured he hated my guts before i did. It's the past, he was such an arsehole, he'll never change, he's immature, a jerk, a bully, malicious.....thankyou, that's my standing ovation for this week. I guess sometimes in life you dont get to change someone's opinion of you, although he thought he was superior the day i walked through the door. I agree with most of the signs the universe offered but when it came to him i felt it was a consistent game of chess with three players.