loft conversion

The water boy

image by destiny kiss


He was my room mate, he'd sit by the window for hours, we'd watch the boats dock on the Crystal ocean. He said they made him have imagination, he was jealous of the fish that claimed this vast ocean, and i was envious that the water captivated him so. My water boy. I smiled a wry smile, nervously twitching, with my ballet slippers clutched between my oil slick palms. He made me nervous, and excited, and anxious and scared. When he spoke in that deep baritone, it was like being dipped in a cup full of hot chocolate.
" You know i'll miss you when you leaver," I began cautiously, shyness is a poison for us secret social butterfly's.  I had many things i wanted to say, to spill, have my insides laid before him like a platter of desert dishes. " You have eyes like them," 
" Eyes like what?" He recycled back. The way the water changes, reminded me of his eyes, a continental, blue, grey. He was too tall for me, my mother said, he'd drown me in his size. I liked his scraggly brown hair and the beard that cushioned, angular, masculine, yet soft features, a mouth which begged to be kissed, and a tongue that offered the intensity of polite conversation. I hated the way his stretch jeans were quick sand in the floor, and i loved his caramel skin, it reminded me of toffee and werthers original.  Aidan Lloyd was half Asian, and the other part of him a concoction of Irish and West African decent. I found myself hypnotised,and caught in a web of romantic fantasies. " Eyes like the water you worship, changeable,"
" I'm a changeable person." He supplied, still there, my merman. I fixed the pudgy round glasses on their stand untop of my nose. " I wanted to give this to you," 
" A poem?" 
"A poem." I held it up, in my scared, teenage fingers. I had bushy brows, and teeth that had been claimed by braces. Yet i wanted him to see me, the way he worshiped the water. It was a a conversation that rotated in my mind, i studied my reflection nervously. Mother said i 'Bonnie Elena John' was too short for Aidan Lloyd. My frame should have been lengthier like the other girls in the ballet class. Mother had begged a space for me, so i could 'mix with money' and meet the Aidan Lloyds of the world. "  Do you want me to read it to you?" I quizzed nervously, my throat was stuffy with invisible foam. He nodded, i liked the way he nodded and all the little mannerisms that were his. In this room i felt as though somehow i belonged to him, and when his 6ft 6 frame walked through the front door, i felt full in his hugs. 
" a picture, you and me we could be a postcard
of words that speak,
a thousand syllable's 
and conversations that end with linked hands
I am your arm
you are my leg
we are fingers
on a piano
that begs to be played
So play the chords
and let our heart beat
with a rhythmic choir,"  i stood still waiting for his response. Watching as his eyes suddenly became engaged in the patterns on our Persian rug. A caramel hand stretched to the back of his neck, he rubbed at it, then licked a mouth which had gone dry.
" Is there a message in there somewhere?" 
I took a long swallow of breath. I should have just let him leave pack his stuff, my eyes darted to the Exit.  I could imagine clusters of girls gathering to Gossip about my near miss, the ballet class filled with the nonsense of 'another one bites the dust,' a song dedicated to each girl who had made a move on Aidan LLoyd.  " I guess i'll see you next semester," i said reaching for my friendship safety net, he looked up as if hit with an alarming recognition, 
" when it happens, no one will be singing another one bites the dust." At that he rose as the tide does, my water boy, i plunged forward eager for a kiss. 

People pleasing and why no doesn't make you an outlaw

image by: Heather Wallet Rivet

People pleasing is one of the hardest things to do in life. Sometimes we disappoint those we love when we step outside the bracket of validating their needs. The people who love you may become disappointed in you, angry, distant for sometime, but if the love is real, then it remains. The problem with people pleasing is we spend a lifetime saying yes, when sometimes we want to say no. With that comes a hint of resenntment, anger within ourselves, because we're too scared to say no. Scared of the rejection, the potential to be alienated, the sadness that comes with their hurt and anger, and the labels we might get. If someone is angrytalk to them and ask them what they need. If it's space give them the space and distance they require, but do not be afraid to say no. You said no for a reason. It wasn't because you hate them, or you were being cruel. You said no because yes wouldn't have been the right thing to say.

How to keep your head up when your broken hearted.

Who would have guessed it, the dreams have become an illusion. Nothing leaves you as sore and mistrustful as dealing with a broken heart. All those future plans left cremated, and absence really does make the heart grow fonder. The longing is enough to leave you gnawing at your pillow in frustration. Enough of that.

If it could have worked, it would have worked. There were two people in the relationship, and two people needed to put in the work. Give calling obsessively to ask why your partner decided to demolish both your hopes and dreams. The "i need to talks" lets work things out, i don't understand. The hateful rants and "how dare you do that to me's!" I dont deserve it. It's all blah for now. Give them space, but most of all give yourself the time you need to heal. You may need to talk just to understand exactly where you stand, fair enough, yet in the meantime.

Hang out with friends
Socialise
Mix, meet new people
Focus on a goal or set about accomplishing something you gave up on
Talk to people about it
Write a letter which you may or may not decide to send
get a journal to document your feelings. Writing helps purge the soul
Focus on building your self esteem
Get a new hobby
Give yourself time to heal.It will take time. Accept this
If you're brave enough go on a few dates
Cry a lot, because it's completely allowed
Keep fit and exercise, just because they've let you go, doesnt mean you have to let yourself go. Obviously we all go through the phase where food becomes our ultimate best friend. You have to get past that.

If your ex boyfriend or girlfriend calls you up consistently deciding that they want to give you the frustrations of their day to day crisis. Talking friendships, but actually being too selfish to be a true friend and realise you need space right now then you need to be clear with them. You need to heal and try to move on. You're not their counsellor. If their telling you they want to just be friends, that they see no future in a relationship with you, then getting angsty or jealous when they hear you've been socialising or dating is selfish. It's not their right, you dont owe them that commitment anymore.
Do not take their envy, or sudden desperate attempts at persuasion for luncheons or dinner brunches to mean an equal relationship is on the cards, this will only bring you false hope. It means they are scared of loosing something that they believed belonged to them.
Definitely don't get lured in to being sexually intimate with them.

I will advise though that each person has their own individual perspective on how to get over a breakup, this is just mine.



image by jujubakiller