Looking For

Not a man 
Whose tall and dark, 
Fairskinned 
And has no spark, 
Pretty face, 
With pretty eyes, 
Pretty shoes, 
And pretty ties, 
Flashy clothes, 
And flashy cars, 
Flashy things, 
Hide who you are 
Not a beauty 
In his sight, 
Not a man, 
Who awes 
his might, 
Not a man, 
Who'll love myself, 
Or comfort, 
And keep myself. 
You, 
Are not the heart of me, 
Not, 
My rock, 
And not my tree, 
Not the shoulder, 
For me to lean, 
Not the one, 
Who'll keep me mean 
Been, 
And gone, 
Many times before, 
I was whom 
I was searching for.

Written by Otatade Iseghohi Okojie

A caramel Kiss

It was the cockpit, she called it. The emotional dreggs of falling head over heels, over feet over Skirt, over shoes, in love with a feeling she couldn't even contemplate. She was the Horizon and his smile was her Sky. Elias pulled a string of Chestnut hair laced with it's beading behind Elfish ears, she pursed her lips like a Blowfish, waiting to engage in the Kiss that shadowed her through the day. " How was work?"
" The usual, me and everybody else's agenda,"
" Spill." She dragged a wooden seat beside her Husbands Giant frame. It was three in the afternoon, the room was caked in the scent of Cinnamon Pancakes, the Oven was at low temperature and a glass of Chateau Monet stood like a Mannequin at the counter top. " I have a new division manager, who knows nothing...." he paused and smiled coyly, " but she touches my hand a lot."
" Like this?" His wife ran slender fingers along her Husbands Wooly arm. His Cafe au Lait Skin, and Grey eyes had captivated her that day at Eva's diner. He'd changed his hair since then, it was long now, and his lashes fell like a  broom, brushing at high cheekbones. He was a work of art, and she stared often. " Tell me how evil this woman is?"
"How did you know it's a woman?"  He quirked an arched brow, a seductive smile creeping across his dimpled mouth. " I think she's trying to make me fat." He cooed, " These pancakes as i manage the books, running a self publishing company is extremely hard work, and then, " he paused for effect. " she walks around with these stockings on."
" Stockings?"
He released a broad grin, " and every time she kneels to put these pancakes in the oven,"  he fixed the napkin to his collar rolled up his Shirt sleeves and picked up the fork and knife, " it's like she's trying to punish me," his wife cackled loudly.
" If i am to be punished, i might as well be a naughty boy," he dragged her to him, covering her in seductive kisses. Each touch sent tingles of electricity coursing through her Veins, sweat glued them, they were as a stitch. " I'd like ice cream with those." She stood to attention.
" With caramel untop."

Testament of trust

image by rckstar 13

When you loose trust in others sometimes it's even harder to build it within yourself. You question every decision you make, even the people you once upon a time invited with ease into your life. Here is an answer for an emotionally complicated question. There is no such thing as perfect people. People often make mistakes, that hurt us, emotionally, scar us at times, and make us turn the bedroom mirror into a therapy couch. The reality is, nobody comes with a warning. The woman who is being abused, has been de frauded and is now the object of ridicule for smug friends didn't meet a potential partner with a post it note or a tattoo on his/her forehead which said...i am damaged i am here to damage you too. We know the old adage, hurt people hurt people. The damage really comes in the aftermath of their tornado and the words we speak in the dark. Say something positive to yourself today. Wether you've been cheated on, lied to, thought someone was something they were not, remind yourself of the good choices you made. Celebrate the things you have accomplished Positively, with the right type of people. We all learn from our mistakes. It was a lesson, now take from it a positive education.

High Heels and Hop Scotch: Signs your girlfriend/partner has not grown up

 

image by littlemeep

Somebody call crime watch , these tantrums should be illegal. Yet somehow they are not and you find yourself in a relationship where your consistently walking on tripwires, hot coal or convinced there are planes circling overhead. Most of us have either been this person or have been stressed out from the drama of being in  a relationship with this type of individual. They never grew out of their spoilt brat complex and are convinced a relationship with you is all about your skill and ability to be an enabler.  Do you feel as though 'yes' is the only answer they want to hear? That constructive criticism guarantees an ensuing slaughter of digs, insults or passive aggressive behaviour. Maybe their queen speciality is the firework flip out, or explosive tantrums. You also find that a lot of your time is either spent appeasing their insecurities whilst they childishly try and compete, belittle, or begrudge whichever innocent victim has strayed into their riot of emotional issues. Are they petty, bitter, ridiculously spiteful, and refuse to never take responsibility for poor behaviour.  Are they obsessed with image and looking or appearing strong rather than investing in actually being strong,
Being around them you almost feel as though your back in high school or pre school, and you feel constantly dragged into the sewer of their immature games.

For any relationship to survive the key is honesty and good communication. Love and sensuality are key elements, along with trust, yet there also has to be respect and boundaries. I understand someone being so frustrated and reacting to feeling so disrespected they just explode. They light up like a gas tank. That is also down to poor communication. If you cannot express to the person your close to that your feeling bruised or hurt, betrayed, or taken for granted, however ridiculous it may sound to you, there is a problem and this problem is called communication. How do we try and improve our relationships, we listen more, and we try to express ourselves honestly. What is helping your situation? Ask them, why are you really reacting like this? What's upsetting you, lets talk about this. People like to be heard. Often poor behaviour is a side effect of either feeling ignored, or a misunderstanding somewhere in the relationship.

If you become aware that this person is using their behaviour as a platform for complete control within the relationship, then don't be an enabler. If they kick up throw a tantrum or give you the silent treatment give them some space for the mood to settle, and when you feel things have cooled a little, give them your perspective in a cool and even tone. A mature tone. Allow both sides to be heard with less judgement.

Anihilating A.T.M Syndrome: Stop being used for your money

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It's a funny thing when you come across people who constantly complain about being used for their money, some not all, make the mistake of talking too much about how much money they have. If your fed up with being used for your money, stop using your money as an advert to lure people in. Give someone a chance to like you, for who you are. Let them get to know you, see your qualities and celebrate them. I was watching the millionaire matchmaker recently and there was a prince who complained about being used for his money but here's the thing most of his introduction was based upon glorifications of his wealth. Men especially need to understand this.

There is a fiction that a woman will not love a poor man, a beautiful woman anyway. My question to you is, are there children in third world countries? How did those children come about? Did their parents have to communicate and conversate? Did there have to be some sort of respect? Wealth doesn't always command lasting respect. Do wealthy men ever go through divorces? Do they ever have trust issues because a partner has been unfaithful? Do they ever get let down, disappointed, hurt? Yes. Money means opportunities, it means extra choices, that someone who comes from lack may not be able to afford or tap into. You do not want to advertise yourself as somebodies meal ticket, you want to advertise yourself as someone's potential companion.

In a workplace the boss never tells you exactly how much money they have. He/she never tells you how much money the company makes, but their aware they are in a financial power position. It's simple really. If you ask for a promotion the boss tells you what  that he/she does not have the financial resources to provide what you want, because actually the things you need may not actually be what you require. What the boss is downplay the status of the company, they may start talking about cutbacks, or talk about how they understand your situation as they also have bills to pay, and it's a nightmare, only to see they've bought a new Mercedes, or when their ready to give you a promotion. It's called downplaying. They don't boom box advertise what they have because their not setting themselves up to be put in uncomfortable situations being asked for things left and right.

For example I have a friend who is always 'broke' and even when you know they have money, or you've seen a sign of financial flamboyance here and there, she'll quickly change the discussion to the state of the economy and all the bills she's paying. Why? Because with certain types of people it's their habbit to ask for money, or drop hints as soon as they see a sign you have something coming in.

Dark and Delicious: How to be confident within your own skin

image by Kiratheartist

There is a huge debate about how dark skinned people are treated in comparison to their fairer skinned counter parts in ethnic communities. From being called things like blique, which is an insult used in the black community to say your as black as charcoal, to being told you would be more attractive if you were a fairer skinned complexion, some darker skinned people argue that they get given an unfair rap. As though being dark is bad in some way. Are dark skin is negative. Here is my argument in every corner of the world you will find ignorant jealous people, the thing about envy is it can often be rationalised. Someone can convince you that there's something wrong with you, a quality,  a skill, a character, an asset, because they secretly want it. If they have people around them who imitate what they do and what they say, if your naieve enough you can be convinced that there's something wrong with you and allow other people to steal the joy from your life.

Here's an example for years a jealous woman kept desperately trying to get me down, she felt inferior because she wasn't likable, had never been popular, and people seemed to gravitate towards me rather than towards her. I am outgoing, bubbly, fun, a free spirit, young, and of course I am of a darker skin tone. I also after years of reading and taking pride in academics, believe that wisdom and words are more powerful and more important than looking good to those around you. Because I was different, and because she was bitter and jealous, because she felt lonely at times and inadequate, she convinced those around her, especially those who took an interest in me, that there was something wrong with me. The way I looked, the way I talked, the way I spoke, jealous and determined to make me feel bad and be ashamed of who I was she tried every cause of bullying and low class ridicule and manipulation that was at her disposal. From getting family to chant "uggghlhh disgusting!! she's disgusting!! she's this, she's that!! she's ugly!!" this manipulative, insecure jealous, petty and insecure woman had to feel as though she was winning in some way. Whilst trying to befriend family members, because as is always the case the same people who want to tear you down, do it because they want to get close to you, and they want to take your place in some way.

For women who have experienced negative treatment and put downs and have been insulted about skin tone, and colour, and culture, celebrate yourself no matter what. This behaviour comes from their own self loathing. I cant tell you the amount of times it's happened to me, or I've had friends tell me that they were called ugly, and put down and ridiculed by someone, called things like monkey by their own race, had guys of the opposite sex, laugh at them, really degrade them to the point of bullying only to find out later on that these guys wanted to ask them out or get close to them in some way. Look beyond how you feel at the moment. What could be the real agenda? People often try and make us feel small because they feel inferior, jealous, or inadequate in some way. Be confident in your own skin.

God made no mistakes when he made you. If people have a problem with you, it's their problem.  Life wasn't made according to their rules, they don't have the monopoly, they didn't invent the game and if they did, they'd be happier playing it. They'd have less energy moaning and being miserable mithering others. Celebrate who you are. This is your life you only live it once. If they want to talk 'screw them, their losers anyway," do you think people with self esteem, people who are happy, less insecure about themselves, are happy in their own lives, care what skin tone you are? They wanna meet new people, they want to have fun, they wanna celebrate life.

Jinx in the Juice: Understanding jealous older women

image by Meisterdeszirkuss

For years i was bullied and targeted by an older woman. I never fully understood where the depth of her contempt came from, i just knew that suddenly a woman who had years on me, had birthed this obsessive need to compete. This jealousy and envy she felt, meant she manipulated those around her, and completely villified me, and someone who should have shown just a hint of backbone didn't just stand back and watch it happen, but he was so utterly spineless and so desperate for his mother's approval, he'd egg her on viciously in secret, desperate to fit in with the mob. Not aware that there's things only a woman can see, that sometimes, a man does not acknowledge.

This woman was dumpy looking. despite being attractive, she looked like she'd had a fight with life it had kicked the crap out of her, and all that was left was this old battered soul. Her shoulders always slumped when i saw her and nothing said she had even an ounce of self esteem. When she walked past me it was as though i was superior in some way, and she felt inadequate, yet whenever there were people around this woman's ability to hide her own self loathing was more than magical. She'd cackle like a witch as i heard shouts of "she's disgusting," and any other derogatory comments she could think of. The words would spew from her like an acid well, and those around her who clearly had insecurities of their own because some were fat, others were overly shy and insecure, some probably had issues with rejection. I could tell that for a woman who clearly seemed as though she were lonely, and craved attention, when she had something to talk about, it fed that need to be spotlighted. The need to be acknowledged, and to gain respect, in her bizarre, messed up her hierarchy.

There are many women who deal with getting old extremely well. We see it's worked for them. There's a confidence about them, despite their age, their like supernova's , you move towards them instead of shy away from them because you respect them. Getting old is not a bad thing. It is transition. Age means wisdom for some it means growth and polish, those who age gracefully age well, and those who rot and stew in the bitterness of past mistakes and insecurities carry a ten ton truck of insecurities. I know, i've been different versions.

As i heard this 'witch' launch more attacks about who i was, the way i was, how flawed i was, i realised something. no matter how much she criticised me, she couldnt take away the disdain she felt for herself. The self loathing that would probably never leave because in life we make choices, and her choice is to alienate people then beg them back. It's a funny thing life. The more she shrieked and howled and tried to tear into me, i realised, she was complaining about me to people i never wanted to associate myself with anyway, to people i didn't like and to people who clearly didn't like themselves. As she became more bitter, and childish, resorting to schoolyard bullying to validate her own life, it hit me then. Something was truly missing in this woman's life. Everything she was doing as much as it appeared to be about me, it was far from that. Her hate campaign was about her. It was also her issues with aging,it's not like she was becoming help the aged, but i imagine for a control freak, that fear of things furthering to spiral out of your control. Along with that of abandonment. Although i had many imperfect moments, i realised how sad it was to be like this, filled with such bitterness, about life and so cold. The goal of living is to be happy, that is the ultimate goal. Not all older women are envious like this, but this woman was truly coming from a place of lack. When someone is this bitterly envious, it's because you have something, and it's not something that can be acquired, it's something that lies within you.

Walking tall

image by lightships


It's easy to allow others to make you feel inadequate. Your work colleagues could be alienating you and making you feel like crap, your ex boyfriend could have stumbled into the arms of a woman who lets just say, looked like she dragged herself off an iconic cat walk, you could have been turned down for what you wanted to go for in the first Place and family and friends are giving you the old ' I told you so' you know who doesn't need to chime in with them? You don't . As difficult as it is, let it be like water off a ducks back. Sliding off with more than enough ease. If you think you can accomplish something focus your mind on those that went before you, and master what they did. Be an entrepreneur of knowledge, and let wisdom hold your hand when you walk.

Freeing yourself from the followers: How to spot weak people

People will surprise you with  how weak they can be, especially in the presence of a bully and someone domineering. Jealous. Competitive. Insecure. The visual you had of them standing up and claiming their strength may end up being nothing more than smoke in the wind. Maybe they joined in the put downs and the ridicule because they finally felt like they were part of something, finally felt as though they fit in.

Yet how many people would they have put down, belittled or ridiculed just so they fit in.  Get yourself some piece of mind. As much as their behaviour is hurting you, it will sabotage them in the long run. They will make themselves appear weak and inadequate simply because they have no real sense of independance. Many of us have the assumption that if someone drives a flashy car, are one of the managers in their work heirarchy, has a lot of money or are seen as extremely attractive, popular and well travelled, they are automatically independant. Independance is more than checking all your social boxes. Can this person make up their own mind? Come to reasonable and fair conclusions about those around them? Are not easily led and scared to voice their opinion? Are honest about their feelings and true to what they stand for and believe in no matter the cost? People like this are consistent and steadfast. You dont find your head doing a 360 degree's pivot and getting brain whip lash.You're not caught in a net of grey, or wondering if this is your real life or a fictional experience.

If you find yourself surrounded by people who are fine with you one minute but as soon as they hear a whisper of negativity can only communicate long distance. Keep communication to them at a base level or no level at all.People like this are pathetic be it a man or a woman,they have no dignity, loyalty,honesty, only fear. In a world where your trying to grow into a positive being all they do is crow a cowards song. Poison leaks from their throat and when you see them alone and separate from the masses all they do is swing their head low in shame, dip their shoulders and expect the world to pity them.  Yet put them in the company of nasty people, they are a megaphone for fear and weakness. It's bad enough their a let down to themselves, don't let them drag you down also. Pick your friends wisely and you will rarely be disappointed
image by lonelypierot