Pots of gold through pain

We wait for pots of gold to collide with the practice of pain. I am in the midst of it, we say, there should be something for this chaos , this mess, that I can't seem to rectangle myself from. This upset. This is madness we shriek, it's not fair. Who told you, that life plays fair. Many of us come out of the womb thinking that life is a fair battlefield, that someone else's chaos is separate to yours. We watch the news, click the screen off, it's faraway, it's distant. Truth is, we are all connected. To even up the score , to play your own makestic round, I will say what I say time and again, use your mind. The mind is the most powerful asset in the world, utilise your time. You and a millionaire, a billionaire have one thing in common, this is a message that someone else taught me. You have 24 hours. 24 hours. How will you use your 24 hours, how will you use that time? What questions do you ask? What problems do you solve? If you slip into a mighty depression and simply believe you are the problem.....this is a problem. You have a purpose, train your mind to find it, and face the challenges that come with it.

joel osteen dont waste your pain

Courting pain

We shelter storm
I escape beyond the vines
Of norm
Broken treasures
Muddied pledge
As we look
Beyond that ledge
Where stars
And black
As creatures look
I shine as
Brightly as
The moon
For world of sun
Compete do I
So I can chew
Those stars in
The sky.

we remember

Missing people
Missing place
Missing knowledge
Missing face
Missing smile
A kite to worlds
A day was claimed
Missing scents
And missing smells
Missing laughs
Blown straight to he'll
The platoon
We dock
We wait
We sist
We watch
How clocks
And time persist
Busy wardrobes
Lazy clothes
Weeping pain
And cardboard
Bones
Missing people
Missing pain
We wonder
If selves
Get reborn again

weeping sheep

He captures me
Each breath I take
Held in a jar
Each move I
Make
Must I collect
These lazy pearls
Of mine
For his bacon
Feeds his swine
My battered tongue
My collected lip,
The steps with
Chain
A rogue now trips
And are there faces
In this glass
He's stitched my
Tongue
I know not class
But to blubber
My bubble words
The empty shingle
A dead man's cry
Am I me
Myself
Or I
This cripple threat
Of ghosts who weep
These cancered limbs
Which idly creep
Look for heels
With all their stems
I've lost my feet
I count to ten
The sheep they
Weep.

The foreigners of friendship: getting past loosing a friend

Missing someone can be more than painful, that ache of longing, the conversations you wished you had. Missing your best friend is the strangest thing, their there, but their not still there and if your a sensitive soul you feel their presence everywhere. Last night I had a dream about my best friend I was upstairs and the phone rang, it was the old cream phone we had in the living room. I heard a soft voice down the other end of the line, it was vulnerable and innocent just the way she had been, we talked briefly and made plans to meet up and discu

ss.

The hardest thing in life is letting people go their presence haunts you, you remember stupid things like the way they laughed, the sparkle in their eye, but most of all who you were at about that time. The happy self, an infinite self, a joyous self, but time changes and life changes us.

There will be days when you feel nostalgic, days when you miss them so much it may hurt, but time is a great healer. We move on and allow new people into our lives, and we learn to create our own happiness.

Fallen Forgiveness: Why sometimes it's hard to let things slide

image by denizaybar

Yesterday, and today i thought about the irony of life. Of feeling lost alone and completely vulnerable. Almost two or three years ago i wrote a note out of the kindness of my heart to someone, it was done with the innocence you have when your still naieve and deluded about the sainthood of people. I thought he was a nice person. For years despite making me the object of ridicule, for almost two or three years out of a jealousy and a loathing that came from somewhere, standing by as i was targeted and harassed by family. Soon enough he began to spread malicious rumours about me throughout the neighbourhood, getting frustrated every time another man called me or went near me, whenever i was seen happy with someone, and before long he dragged other people into this warped obsession. From being called the ugly one, a slag, a slut, a whore, the African myth of fear, the family embarassment. Today i thought about how much was in my account, i had enough money to buy rope, i had enough money to hang myself. I wrote a note to my mother apologising for being so weak, i thought about where i'd do it, in a park with an oak tree where the branch was strong. It had become too much. I was tired of the abuse because i had written a note to a guy who was completely fucked up. As i stepped out unto the street, the family round the corner who were endorsed by his and his mothers obsession began screaming out of the windows as i stepped out unto the street, slut, whore, slag, when i told family i was often told it was in my head or the paranoid side effects of the epilepsy Medications i was on. When the insults were clearly loud enough to hear. This all began with one letter. It happened daily despite his mother who suffered from her own mental health problems, confessing to wanting some 'lesbian experience' with me, and was convinced that if she broke my spirit enough i would be susceptible to the charms she didn't actually have. Each day as i struggled with my own depression, determined yet eager to pick myself up, i was called the ugly dark skinned one, his mother would say " she's the one with problems" whilst his sister obsessed and jealous beyond contempt would request to follow me wherever i went.

Till the day i die i will hate these people they stand for nothing. Growing up i was told that if you were nice to people they would be nice to you back. His mother specialised in spells and Witchcraft, telling a series of lies, from the fact i was an ex prostitute looking for work, to a whole series of lies. This woman was so obsessed with me, it became truly bizarre, fairness rules equality. I realised i refused to be treated less than because my sister was the light skinned one and i was the dark skinned one. From being called the Epileptic monkey, hearing his family laugh about an epileptic seizure i had, and consistently hearing the statement "these are rumours  and accusations." I thought about the concept of fair, all this started because i was kind enough to write a note to a guy who i saw had no self esteem. As i regularly worked on projects, and eagerly tried to move forward, despite a sheer loathing for him as a man and everything he stood for, it became clear to me this guy had more troubles of his own. He would consistently shout the words " I made a mistake!!"  As though ruining someone's family life is a mistake like spilling milk on the floor, pouring sauce on someone's clothes, accidentally ripping an item of clothing. His mother would consistently announce to others that i made her feel inadequate. I believe she felt inadequate because of all the disgusting things she'd done to people. At one point him and his mother not knowing i could hear this strategically attempted to get me sectioned so they could have access to my brothers network and connections. On the surface they appeared normal beneath the surface they were a mess. They'd often say loud enough that an ex best friend had died, knowing i missed her at times. The family they had involved had eyes on our property. I was constantly pointed at by a neighbourhood bully whose obsession was to shout "That girl pisses people off because...." i'd never had a real conversation with this guy in my life. The only conversation i remember was one where he asked me if i liked harrods. During a group session i remember he had walked with me asking a series of personal questions, taken aback, i politely provided info, but kept myself at a distance. I didn't want to get close to any strangers at the time.

I wonder about the fairness of it all. This started simply because of a letter i had written out of the kindness of my heart. I think of an article i wrote a while ago about forgiveness, and i realise there are some people it is extraodinarily hard to forgive almost impossible.For those of you who suffer with the ache of pain, and find it almost impossible to forgive a slight, forgiveness will give you relief, give you healing, yet there are some sins which are hard to forgive. Then i realize, i refuse to buy that rope. Karma is the biggest punisher, their days will come.

High jumping Heartbreak: Getting over a broken heart

image from www.huffingtonpost.com


I realize something that i've always known logically, but emotionally never connected. Heartbreak happens, it hurts ,it throbs, it's poison to our fragile pulsing heart. We consistently yearn for the lost ones. How do you get over a broken heart, someone not being all you wanted them to be, you not being a version you wanted to be. Have you stooped screaming at the walls yet, tugging at your hair, chomping your nails, and scrubbing the last push of Ice cream. I'll tell you something that may make you feel just a little bit better, it happens to the glamour models, the supermodels, Royalty, Millionaires, heartbreak is never discreet.

It is loud and angry, at times it is bashful, acidic poison on the tongue. So with your pen stroke it, pet it like it's a purring kitten, sing it to sleep like its a baby in need of a Lullaby and admit to yourself, that your only human.

In life the hardest thing to do is to loose people. The second hardest thing to do is to say Goodbye, the third is to admit you may need to share this pain with someone, and the fourth is to admit maybe you had your part to play, and time heals wounds, but some still leave scars. Today it pissed with rain when i expected sun as i took the steps i counted towards my best friends house, we had fallen out years ago, and i screamed the poison that popped klike pandora out of a whirlwind of pain. It was the dream i had about her the night before where her voice was so familiar, and in that dream i had never said goodbye, i had never let her go. I chased her down sputtering with nervous anxiety, "i thought i lost you. I miss you so much it hurts sometimes." And quietly i said to myself i missed you so much, it throbbed, and the curse of the words i used spat at me, as in the mirror i saw your reflection. As i took the careful steps towards her house, i breathed anxiously and when i buzzed her door number, the reply, "no one under that name lives here anymore," i crumbled into a million broken pieces outside the station where her big smile once engulfed me. I miss you, i sobbed. It was real then, like a ghost creeping into your present guiding into your past. I miss the language that belonged to us, the strides we marched as we moved as one, taking the world on, for it was a shoe we had to wear, and we had our tights on.

How do you move on from heartbreak? You start by forgiving yourself for staying angry so long. When you were rock, and World was Metal, and nothing could penetrate.

Captured inbetween

image by dreamyeyes

Deep in between
Engine oil pain
Puss of old love
Yellowing as the
Wound continues
The root of pain we
Decide unnecessary
I am my today,
And not yesterday
I am the eyes that
Seek a different
Love
The hands that
Yearn to kiss new flesh
And the smile that craves it's
Polaroid existence
As champagne rivers
Drown us in irony,
And the tears which
Turn eyes to glass
Belch out the
History of our mistake
Our hopscotch youth
Recycles itself
And the whisper of fear
Leaves breadcrumbs in the darkness.

Red Ebony

Short story: The Detective

image by aherm

It was the wayward ones that requested for life to begin. Asking questions of a life that paralyzed them. They wanted so much more than this, and as the world belched out, the pain of promise yet to arrive, held them in a state of captivity. It was done, and it was questionable, Menelik hated playing hero to young girls who were starved of all their dreams. Girls who took a wrong turning in life’s obstacle course and here he was, the defender, the protector, the healer of all wounds deep. He lit the Cigarette, felt the Tobacco swell on his insides, he gulped and swallowed hard, as he wrestled with discomfort in the seat of the green Toyota. “Why do you hate being a detective, so much?”

“Because I have my own life to save.” He glanced briefly at Vivien Marx, he hated her idealism on most days, but today, she was the worst version of herself. All sunshine and daisies. It was too much for a Monday morning Midnight Stretch.

“I just think…” she began, then ran long fingers through the folds of spaghetti tendrils. She’d dyed her hair Midnight black; she always did that when she was going through pain. Her hair usually a brilliant auburn would be transformed, but the eyes are always magnifying glass of the soul. Their soft brown would light with a tear, and protectively she would raise the collar of her leather jacket, as though it were hiding her from the world. 

“ You change my perspective, and yours is drugged by misery,” she uttered into Midnight shadows, “Forgive me for having seen too much in my 32 years of living,” Menelik countered. “Forgive me for not buying into you pity Mel,” she snatched the cigarette from the comfort of his fisted mouth. Stubbed it, “You bastard you promised you’d stop smoking.” They shared a glance for a five second stretch, her smile was hypnotic, her gaze like a touch to him. Menelik released a lazy smile. “You know Mel if I wasn’t so crazy about you,”

“But you are….”

He nodded, a nod meant back to business. “So you think this guy killed her.”

“Dianne Fahilla mysteriously disappears, completely out of character, right after she publishes the book revealing Aztec International’s dodgy ventures. They market themselves as a clean corporation, she knew a lot of powerful people, and she pissed of a lot of powerful people.”

To be continued on upcoming website

Embracing inner self forgiveness

Image by Ivon T

Anger. Control. I was furious. Betrayed, manipulated by a guy who was simply on the bottom rung of his self esteem issues, and he went after me because, he just wanted to feel good about himself. The attention seeking ace. Many men complain about this woman, many men have been this man. These are the attention seekers that are so insecure within themselves they crave your acknowledgement, and they will do anything to get it. I once had an experience where I was convinced there was a guy who from my visual accounts was clearly interested. From body language, the lurking , the watching, the happening to pop outside at the same time I seemed to be, beeping at me in the street, driving at snails pace to get noticed. My women's intuition was going insane. Wow, I thought secretly, this guy must really like me. I knew he lacked a lot of self confidence, what I didn't count on was that he would use the attention I gave him as a platform to put himself on a pedestal and gain acknowledgement from those around him. My assumption was my downfall. For being a modern woman I decided to be uber feminist, take charge, after all this was a guy with low self esteem he needed a little push. I could only awe at the naivety of my decision years later, as this guy for over two years used me as a subject of light, entertainment , and ridicule.  I was furious. Initially when this guys family were making me the object of ridicule, naively I thought nope 'nice guy' he'll say something, speak up, explain the reality of the situation. I had said my good mornings to him, you alrights, good evenings, my family were always cordial, we listened to his tales of woeful work. Then I realised too late. It wasn't about me being Miss nice body. This cruelty, this ridicule, wasn't just about me. It was about a guy who was secretly bitter desperate to assert himself as an Alpha dog in his household, using me as the stepping stool. It was about a family who didn't have a wealth of adventure or experiences to offer their guests, so they'd offer them lies and fiction instead. I thought about  how life should have gone according to plan, I was submissive enough to be kind, therefore he should have been kind too.

Then I realised for the women who have been raped, abused, men who have been robbed, people who have lost someone or experienced some sort of illness, or those living in poverty. Life isn't always fair. Who created that rule? That fiction that life had to be fair? If life was fair wouldn't everybody be happy? Wouldn't it just be like a musical? In life we cannot control people. We can only live our lives. I realised forgiveness is the only way to move on. Yet sometimes next to public speaking. Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things to do in life ever. It's not so much about forgiving other people. Some people are so messed up they will continue to make the wrong choices their whole lives, choices that hurt them, choices that halt them, yet it's not your job to fix them. We have to forgive ourselves, and know who we are. Love yourself, respect yourself and hold yourself to the highest standard, but most importantly forgive yourself. People often tell us that we have to forgive the negative influences around us in order to move on. Funny, it's not about forgiving them. You will be amazed at the skill at which some people can justify poor behaviour with ease, we do it, so we can sleep at night, because behind the prison bars of the mind, the conscience keeps whispering. We just want to silence it, so we soothe it with a string of excuses. If you could have predicted that the outcome of your situation could have been exactly what it is now, with it's negativity , and complications, that the pain would have been such as it is now? The answer is no. We take pain killers to avoid pain. Forgive you. If you were a psychic and could predict things would have turned out negatively you probably would have done things differently. Take the lessons you need to learn. I learnt you need to let people earn your respect, we are valuable enough and worthwhile enough.

Hindrance and Holidays: The emotionally unavailable man and his delicious disappearing act

image by wowurnotkidding

Here's a question for the books. When someone keeps disappearing on you when do you realise that you don't need them any longer? When do they realise you don't need them any longer? The thing about negative patterns is that often we only realise were in them when those feeling sink in too deep. Do you deserve someone who will be there when there's a crisis? When the shit actually hits the fan? Someone who values your time and the energy you bring to a relationship rather than an emotional escape artists? Yes. Wondering why he/she hasn't called will be bearable to an extent, being frustrated when you haven't met their friends or they haven't met yours or your family, you will be able to tolerate that to an extent and then eventually life happens. There will be real things, events , circumstances, where you will need a rock rather than just some sexual intimacy, there will be times when you will need an ear rather than just pillow talk. Emotionally unavailable partners are emotionally unavailable for a reason. There will be a list of stories a mile long about exes who were crazy, the damage it did to their self esteem, all these traumatic issues of their past and how impossible it is to get too close. We all become cautious after pain, pain makes you question your judgement, your choices, your life even. Yet if you are in a situation where you know the person involved in you just keeps taking and disappearing, not giving much back, you have to make the right judgement call for yourself. Real love is about reciprocity. It's the best friend that will literally drop everything just to listen to you and make sure your okay, it's the family that support you, and the little they have, they share it with you. It's because they love you, it's because they care about you, and when you need them their there. It's not 'complicated', there's not a fable or a folk story, if their absent it's for a real reason and not for a selfish one.


You cannot fix them because its not your job. It's a choice they have to make within themselves, it's a decision, they have to make within themselves. You cannot undo the knots of their shady past and you cannot carry the burden of their unresolved issues. It's a deadly hostile weight, and it will disempower you.

Fixing broken things is like a human addiction. Somehow we believe by saving someone else we can save ourselves. Here's a harsh reality, the emotionally unavailable man will commit to someone but sadly that someone may not be you. Women/men often find themselves bitter because someone who seemed emotionally unavailable with all these fears and commitment phobias, ends up happy and committed with someone else. The alternative is to not be bitter. The alternative is to be happy and say were worthy enough, valuable enough and we deserve love too in all it's riches and fulfilment.

Injuring insecurity:Holding unto your joy

image from: www.barnesprimaryschool.org


Every corner you turn there's always someone trying to tell you the ten steps, the twenty steps and onwards to build your self esteem. It's gratifying at the time, and you feel as though your taking positive action....yet, I wonder if someone can actually tell you how to be who you are. We have to face ourselves, lack of self esteem is about fear of rejection , feeling inadequate and sometimes alienated. Someone should have told us that from the day your born till the day you die, there will always be someone who doesn't like you for who you are. Someone who may act cruel or gossip, or humiliate. Someone whose felt so inadequate for so long, they feel good tearing other people down. You will need to face your fears, you may even have to suck it up. Damaged but not destroyed. Your still breathing, standing, and if your strong smiling. Time is a great healer, who also reminds us of who we are. Build on those positive building blocks. Stand firm in who you are, grow, and remember, your here for a reason. Your pain may push you towards your promise. Use it, channel it, and move forward. We live once, we deserve to live positive, happy lives. Dont let anybody steal your joy. Joy is infectious. Joy is attractive, it will draw people to you.

Life:The teacher with the stick (Embracing painful lessons)

Life dolls out lessons.
Painful lessons that end up in self blame or us blaming other people. Throughout much of my pain especially with dating, or partners, even friendships. The message was, value yourself. Respect yourself, admire yourself. It's a lesson that takes a life time to sink in. It's a lesson that takes much analysis, over analysis, projection, draining. It's an exhausting lesson. It's hard to play the blame game on yourself, especially when someone has acted appaulingly to you. Take responsibility for your choice, and your agenda. It's tough, many times in life we find ourselves knowing what to do and ending up hypocrites. Remember this though, it was a lesson learned. For example that painful experience with a guy that pretended to be Mr wonderful, who hurt your feelings and lowered your self esteem, you've seen what you need to see. He can never approach you pretending to be Mr nice Guy, those rose tinted glasses are gone, that guy who seemed to spend a lifetime trying to get your attention and when he got it acted like an arsehole, will think twice before approaching you again, the guy who appeared to like you then began to loose interest as soon as others started whispering in his ear, will think twice before desperately hunting you down. You would have changed, you will have something he can never grasp, confidence and self respect. He will look but think twice about touching, will gaze but even the concept of speaking to you, will terrify him, because you have changed. Your stronger, more confident in yourself, happier and completely unavailable. The sad thing about guys like this is that some of us are actually stupid enough to try. Women i've spoken to have often cracked this joke, 'they always come back,' because sadly some guys who seem to have crawled out of the dirt, become drawn to you once more. When they see that they've lost you. All your attentions, and your affections, or there's a possibility they could. Do not be swayed by sulking, or words with cinnamon and honey, the fantasy of who they were has changed, the reality of who they are lives on. Embrace the lesson even if it's painful, the universe is trying to tell you something.

image by (proud of being strange)

Driving Life backwards...How to focus on moving forward

I wanted to scream and shriek. Fling as many things at my target as I could. Bruise an eye, batter a lip. Then I realised I would have done too much damage to myself. Often our fury, our rage is not circumstantial, we are fighting the demons of the past. Pain that lurks with cigar and glass in hand, asking us if we'd like a drink. We often comply then become drunk and dizzy with the memory of our own vulnerability. Growing up I was always told that if you left the lid off food, it would go rotten. Everything had to be covered, protected, guarded, yet the reality is if you leave anything to linger unchecked for a long time there is the possibility of rot. Check yourself, even if it's day to day, looking at goals, acknowledging old feelings, looking for ways to grow and progress. We are only our past if we live there. Driving forwards and looking backwards only guarantees a crash. Focus on the now,and get your clutch ready as you drive into the future. This is your journey you want to get to that future you envisaged.