The fastest way to build self confidence

rape poem

Strengthening Self esteem and fueling Self forgiveness

For 3 years someone tried to make me feel so bad about myself , so insecure so small, because they themselves felt inadequate. It was a choice they'd made within themselves, and it was supposedly my fault this person hadn't built up a healthy respect fort themselves. Validated their self esteem. I was called a Nigga consistently, by a black family, ridiculed, made to look small so they could entertain their guests. Here's what i say to people like this. In the long run those you try to destroy can build themselves back up from you as far away from your toxic self hatred as possible. The people you try and ridicule them to, are like smoke, you know when it's present but it will never last. Everybody likes attention , everybody likes to be given attention. This happened because once upon a time id had the empathy in my heart to show kindness to a guy that was lonely, lacking and had no self esteem. I didn't judge the job he did, or act superior or as though i were better than him. Yet his self hate and his own jealousy consumed him, along with the need to be validated by others. Despite telling him that he was doing good, a plus of encouragement, in return he stood back as lies were spread about me, and had the audacity to become jealous when other men who had self esteem could get close to me whilst i crossed the street, ducked swerved, ignored and chose to avoid him for the rest of my life. He was cruel, malicious, and used me as a platform to feel like a man, because without any discussions, complaints, without using me as a foundation he was just an average joe. He had nothing. My kindness had been used as a platform, to acquire respect from others, whilst he hid the truth about a mother that had a fixation with me, and clearly had mental health problems.


When you come across people like this dont make yourself vulnerable. if they have issues with self esteem you wont be a positive person, you'll be an enemy. I had something he didn't have. I was happy and i was confident within myself. Because of this kindness, he saw it as a weakness. He began to ridicule me with friends on a consistent basis, telling lies that i was an ex prostitute, trying to alienate me from as many people as possible. People close to him played the victim, bitter and envious convincing others they were under attack in some way, begging for as much sympathy as possible. People who felt like loosers at life, needed to feel like winners.

When you come across people like this know the truth, because they will twist it and long after the battle is fought will come in with swords and daggers. Why? Because they have felt powerless for most of their lives, felt weak and wanted to validate themselves. Felt as though they were worth nothing. You validating them with kindness makes them believe they can capitalise on this. After three to four years of ridicule, humiliation, spreading all my personal affairs throughout the area, and capitalising on private information about me, suddenly he had made  a mistake. After an intense bout of depression, trauma, feeling consistently judged, being called derogatory names.

Men like this or women like this are full of so much self hatred they are trying to punish you for all the other people that have hurt them in their lives. You are in the midst of an emotional tornado. His defence i made a mistake, whilst strategically trying to alienate me from family, bullying and harassing me, whilst those around him pedalled lies about who i was. Anytime i tried to move my life forward positively, he'd try and reappear , happen to lurk nearby he was sick and i was sick of him. When you come across people who have tried to destroy yourself esteem, suddenly conveniently, what they did was bad. They made a mistake, now they've gotten all the attention for destroying or picking at your self confidence. Whilst you pick yourself appart day by day, just because simply put, you said the truth. Know the truth in your heart, and trust it in your heart. People like this want to destroy you, or take something away from you, then walk around guilt free. He had a daughter, a child. Whilst i was being called a harlot, and a whore, things he knew in his heart i wasn't. He would have the audacity to go to that child. Teach that child. Being a parent from my experience with my family is about growth, your a teacher.

His bouts of " i made a mistake," to reconcile his conscience to give himself piece of mind, to free himself from his issues of self hatred. Whenever i tried to keep a wider distance, he'd announce to people " that i ran away from everything," happening to be nearby at convenient times. Hoping id wave like i used to, or leave whatever i was doing and simply come out and say " yes you made a mistake, but lets move past this."

Never. My mother once said not forgiving someone is like holding unto hot coal, and allowing it to burn you. Hatred eats away at your insides making you bitter. I can happily say, he's too low on the totem pole to hate. A pathetic excuse for a man who couldn't stand up and be counted, and that will haunt him for the rest of his life. I was everything he wasn't and he hated me for it. Used it to his advantage, to make friends, to place himself in a power position and now he's more powerless than ever. He now defends, my depression was " just him messing around," day after day the torment i recieved by an obese sister, bitter because her looks were not up to scratch and a mother that was fixated on me, " was just him messing around" . Digging into my past, naming himself after the man i'd fallen for when i was younger, dredging up the past was just him " messing around." Because people laughed at his jokes, and ultimately i was supposed to learn my lesson.

I have learnt that there are people worthy of love, people you invest in, and those wgho will spend the rest of their lives wondering why they dont feel the love even when its given. Because i dared to have confidence in my dark skin, other men dared to have the self esteem and the independence to think this is an attractive woman, i dont care what anybody thinks, i will go after her. He wanted to punish me because he couldn't punish them. It wasn't anything id done, im an intuitive woman, it was more than that, it was the fact i couldn't love him.

The fact that i couldnt forgive him, because when i was at my most vulnerable, he tore me down so the people around him, would respect him. They'd pat him on the back and say "your such a funny guy," and then what? A girl who once upon a time had humbled herself, would hear him tell others, " i was nothing but a Nigga," call her a Nigga.

After all of that i am proud of myself and proud of my dark skin. I didn't need an audience to tear someone down, i judge people based on my own principles. In this lifetime no matter how he sleeps, in the back of his mind, he will remember this. When i had nothing, and he had nothing to offer me, i never looked at him like he was less than a man, i never laughed at the work he did, never ridiculed him, and never joined others to call him dumb. At that time, much like i do, i'd seen a softness, a kindness there, something that was beyond miniscule things or shallow judgements like how pretty, or smart, someone is. What he had never learned. Is that life makes us intelligent. Whatever road you take you are being taught, school is a tidy education, but the lesson's life teaches you, you never forget them.

I feel no shame in my once upon humble heart. If you are leaving a self that was once familiar to you, ready to make a transition, and it comes from pain, do not punish yourself further. In time you will heal. Forgive yourself the risks, the bad choices, the intent, in my la la land things would have ended differently, as i embrace a new reality i know things would have ended differently if  he was a better man.

Celebrate the choices you made, the stories when they arrive, you'll tell your children with pride. Not winning a pathetic battle against someone with self esteem fighting for the little they had, celebrate having the kindness in the first place, and know how you will adjust in the future.

When i was younger i wrote a series of love letters to a man of mystery, every morning at six o clock , five i'd crawl out of bed and hand post shakespeares poems beyond his door. I was smitten. This didn't end up the way i planned either, but i loved the adventure, the blood pumping through my veins, the flip of a stomache every time i saw him. Because in his deep voice, and his comfortable masculinity i saw, i was all my selves. Boyish, charming, shamelessly pretend over confidence. I still remember his scent, and the way he walked, his black jacket sweeping the air.

My mistresses eyes, i recited to him. Because he was that breathtaking and what i needed to say, i couldn't voice it in words. It was potent, and sweet, creative and sensual, like i was, and until the other sixth formers came, i was unjudged.

If i had a daughter i would write letters to her in the morning she'd wake up to them at the breakfast table. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are priceless, i think often of the pancakes id make for her as we sit at the breakfast table, discussing the days agenda. We'd have pancakes and cinnamon, and a wealth of discussions, about life, knowledge, growth, and the world beyond her walls. Id tell her consistently to love herself no matter what. The world is a tough place. Not because of the things people assume, like job hunting, housing, it's more than that, your constantly looking for the right people to connect to. Connect to your inner spirit, your guardian, the all knowing self, because when those mistakes happen, its not about forgiving others, it's about forgiving yourself for making those investment. What we invest in people is priceless, we invest our time. That time you can never get back. Id tell her to navigate, let others reveal themselves as well, hope the chaos is not in their minds, and they want to share in the wrong way with you. I'd sit her on my knee and read to her, books like the catcher in the rye, Robert Kiyosaki's rich dad poor dad, and teach her how to make Spaghetti Boulognese her way. When it hurts too much i'd cuddle her and say, you took a risk on someone who didn't know what they had. Someone who chose to be weak of mind rather than strong of spirit.

The war is happiness, everything else is in between. If your happy based on the right things, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say honestly to yourself i did this without an agenda, then youy can go home peacefully. Home is the happy place within, a self undestroyed by the monopoly of minds. Yet i would argue in defense of this article although people talk often about forgiveness being the hub of truth and the exorcism of pain. Realise forgive when your ready. Never ever let someone think they can manipulate bully you, or harass you into forgiving them to ease their mind and their conscience. Why your so bad is because despite two parties not acting perfectly, your worse because they crossed boundaries. Not because you were evil, or because you were bad, but because you didn't comply and something is tugging at them. No matter the smiles, the laughter, it is a charade and they will play that part forever. There's a difference between those who are genuinely happy and those who are truly at peace. He will never find peace, because i will never give it to him. It takes a restless soul to set out to destroy then stand in front of an audience and simply say, " i made a mistake." A mistake is spilling pasta, crashing a car into someone's back end, not messing with the sanity of someone else, out of envy and a need to control. To be looked at, as that guy. You dont know how that guy got his self esteem, you may never know his story. Forgive yourself, because when we take risks on people, at the cost of things that are valuable to us, we learn the hard way.

For a long time i was angry, furious, and then i realised, i would never see him again, and i smiled at that. I would never see him, but he would always see himself, he would always know the truth behind the things he did and why he did them, and you can lie to the world but you can never lie to yourself. I took a risk, because i believed in someone and i wanted to pep up their spirit. Not knowing that this kindness they would use as a weapon against me. Exaggerating lies. Freedom comes with truth, for him i will never be that girl again, because that girl was a nice person and she had a good heart. He wont stop me from being that version for others, but he died a long time ago. The illusion was never real, it was someone pretending to be a version,
when no one else was around, being manipulative.

We know what we see, we know why we see it. Maybe we yearn to see those things in people, but when the blinkers come off. Dont be mad at yourself, you made a choice based on a character they presented.  If you have someone nagging at you, whining about the ease you "let things go" know in your heart, the decision is down to you. When the spirit is free, so is the body and most of all so is the mind. I dont blame myself anymore for the risks i took, because it cost me more than i thought it would. Social confidence, i was placed on medications, i shouldn't have been on, my weight changed, but when i look back at what i did, i realise i would do it, but for a better man. A man that's worthy of respect. People say respect is earned for a reason. This strategy protects you, it protects your sanity, and it protects your heart. Let a man like this ever teach about kindness, i sacrificed more than family, i sacrificed sanity, based on a whim, and a character he presented to me personally whilst those around him were told something different. He would die a liar, and i venture towards a greater happiness. I will never give him ease.

As red i will say one thing it takes more than a certificate to be a teacher, we teach our children, we teach our friends, we teach our family, but most of all in life we are consistently teaching ourselves. You owe no one nothing, and the people who engage someone like this, ask them whether they would forgive someone who cost them so much. Timing is everything. Free yourself, forgive yourself, give yourself peace, and trust why you made your choices. Celebrate your Xen, when you have it, it is worth more than gold.

How to accept when your crush doesn't like you

I remember it clearly, a crush on a guy i was so fixated on, i couldn't read the red hot signals of rejection. His body language said it in black and white, yet i fawned over him consistently, convinced that my good cheer, poetry, and charming intellect would steal his gaze. I became a laughing stock.

It is tempting to believe that you can wear some down, charm them, even bribe their affections, yet in the long run, they have to fall for you naturally. It has to be your smile that tempts them, your eyes that fill them with much intimidation, your gaze that locks upon theirs, and your intellect that makes them navigate closer and closer. There is nothing worse than a Beg date. Beg date's don't get love, but most of all, they never get respect. Any respect is quickly diminished, and as others look on, they will also puzzle at your behaviour. When someone likes you, they like you, who you are, your flaws make you interesting, your quirks make them curious, your insight makes them want to share a moment with you. It is you that's on their mind, you are worthy of love, your time is coming, if you have a high regard for yourself.

We have to love ourselves before others can love us, and sometimes we learn to love the hard way. Accept that you may not be their type, don't be the class clown, or everybody's entertainment. You want to be a self that in time, you will respect.

Word Up: Profound Spoken Word

Real respect

image by Canoneos

I once took a risk on someone and watched in awe as they showed themselves to be everything i actually found unappealing in a person. Dishonest, manipulative, cruel, sadistic. What i had offered as kindness was used as a platform to ridicule me in an attempt to appear more appealing to others, and in their very insecure maner....make people stay. Make people find them funny, or likable, attractive in some way, and the more i tried to move forward from the mistake of such a bad choice, the same person that had tried so intensely to ruin my reputation, became jealous, and was actually investing more time to show themselves more toxic. From allowing myself to be wound up , getting angry, becoming furious, it became clear to me, the sadness of the choices they were making. How pathetic it was that they had to stoop so low in order to try and get others to stay, ultimately those people would leave anyway. They would require someone with more confidence, more adventure, more stories to tell, more of a likability factor. When you love yourself you have more to share than the flaws of others.I realised that i was better than such poor behaviour. There is an old saying i used to tell someone close to me, "sadly the bad one's always come back", they are like a revolving door, and are often deluded enough to think despite treating you so poorly you have such little respect they can gain entrance. Time soon comes. The same people who merrily tear you down will be eager to talk to you, or curious about the intricacies of your life. I've learnt with age that when people are hostile to you.....dramatically, and it is unprovoked, they are often hostile with an agenda. The more he ridiculed and belittled me with those around him to support his envy and that of others, i reminded myself that i wasn't a revolving door. We make a choice, to treat others with respect, and to ask the right qestions when we sense there is something amiss. Love yourself no matter what, you are worthy of the utmost respect. You are worthy of love, friendship, companionship, and most of all people who don't specialise in trying to use you as a platform to gain negative kudos.If they respected themselves they wouldn't have to stoop so low.

Man in the apron: How MiSOGYNISTIC IS YOUR MAN

Image by bruised vein

Slut, whore, trollop?  What about his views on traditional gender roles within a relationship. Does he believe the woman should always manage and be the caretaker of the house, cook , clean, and should have only one male friend? Does he respect women's right to earn a high wage or does he secretly believe that any success a woman accomplishes is based on the bat of an eyelash and a push up bra. How about your successes? Does he always go quiet when you accomplish something, and make consistent digs about a woman's role, and not being his 'woman's bitch' or whipped. How does he refer to other women? Do you see him checking out certain other women, only to lie through his teeth later on and tell you he wouldn't touch her with a barge pole because she's so easy. How does he discuss other women? However he talks about other women is how he will one day discuss about you.

A man who respects himself, is not easily threatened, will not be threatened by the success and strengths of his woman. If you find yourself in a verbally, emotionally or abusive relationship with a man who tries to control what you wear, who you speak to, where you hang out, then be very aware he is a misogynist and is being controlling. If you find that his discussions with friends revolve around belittling and humiliating other women it informs you that he has self esteem issues, is toxic, and may not be the guy you want for the future. It is not a crime for a man to be an alpha male, to believe in traditional roles, but the foundation of any relationship is reciprocity, trust, sharing, support, if you find the relationship is all about what you can give to him, you feel consistently drained and his rants about other women are tiring to say the least.....you may feel as though he gets all the validation he needs from you, yet when you ask for things your told to stop being needy. Or your too full on. Maybe your assertive, yet you feel held back by a guy who seems to have a problem every time you show you can assert yourself......in case your having sleepless nights, ruminating, obsessively fixing, and trying to be less of the fully flamboyant person you are, the problem isn't you. You are just mismatched.

 

Anihilating A.t.M syndrome: How to stop being used for your money (GOLD DIGGERS BEWARE)

image by blog.saltmoney.org 

Stop leading with talk of how much money you have
Watch for people's reactions, do they seem bored or uninterested and then they hear you make that comment and their eyes light up?
Are they constantly asking you for things? Or requesting things that you know they wouldn't spend their money on?
Do they keep happening to have forgotten their purse or wallet, yet you seem to see certain new goodies on them
Are they constantly hinting about what they want?
They have expensive taste
Financial problems which of course are never their fault
No health problems or disabilities but seem to get by on their looks
Trust your instinct or intuition
Stop abusing your own pocket by overextending your finances and lending them money for things they don't need.
If they cant pay their bills. Maybe they should have saved up before they invested in that property, if they cant afford the meal, maybe they should just like your company, get creative and spend fun time together picnicking in the park, enjoying a night in, there are loads of cool cheap or even free hide aways for romantic rendezvous, that can be both exciting and a huge turn on
Is the money you lend them never recycled?
Do they support you in other ways as well as just sponging off your bank account. Some money grabbers are strategic with their greed, they may initially pay for things but soon enough the habit of maintaining your purse for money becomes too much of an addiction. They seem to be like a child in a candy store no matter where you go, and you seem to be the provider. If your intuition informs you that you are dealing with this type of character lead less with discussions about how much money you have, stop making your funds appear too available, and making yourself an abundant target. This person needs to take responsibility for their needs instead of trying to sponge off you.

Don't be manipulated because they will make you feel guilty for not giving them exactly what they want, keep informing them about their progress or potential to move forward in life by taking active charge of their responsibilities, and their life. You are not their saviour. Stop buying their affections, you will still be a good person if you don't give them exactly what they want. Most likely they can acquire those things for themselves, they will respect you more, and respect themselves in abundance.

Taming the Tornado: How to deal with a bad boy

image by Monoleso

Bad boys are hard work, and it's not as glamorous as you think it might be. This is a trick article? For women who specialise in 'dating the bad boy' or the ' I love those bad boys' syndrome. Tell us how low your self esteem is really. Let me guess. It's low, but you need to feel worse right, or if you can fix him it will prove your maternal validity and showcase your superiority as a woman. LET ME LET YOU IN ON A SECRET.

BAD BOYS DONT WANT TO GET FIXED.  They don't want you to improve them or mother them, or teach them how to respect their mothers and stop holding grudges against their friends.

They are bad boys and have these issues because they've been through a whole heap of mess, and this is their survival mode. They are always in survival mode. Their always on the hustle. When you go to dinner, as a lady you will have certain expectations, get ready for the bad boy to either begrudge having to fork out a dime during dinner or resent you later on. Be ready for some verbal and emotional abuse for little things like smiling at a guy whose just being friendly when he checks out every girl on the street.

Be ready to feel threatened when he selfishly checks out good looking friends who were never a threat to you before giving you a wide berth because either he's being overly flirtatious, acting too available, or just pretending like your not together in the first place.

Be ready for those deliciously booming feelings of self esteem when you start to feel like a booty call as he is completely self absorbed, and seems only interested in you and your life when your alone in his house and there's nobody else around. Be ready to get the fake 'I care' as you parrot on about your life until your out on the street, and some other hottie struts by, he'll probably care about her life when she takes her knickers off as well.

The illusion is that the bad boy will be guardian, protector, and somehow he will also be transformed into uber hubby. Noooooooooo. Hello, wake up time. Unappreciative, possessive, and a jealous partner doesn't mean a loving partner. A jealous partner means......That's mine, back away....don't play with my toys. It's that selfish kid in the nursery school who refuses to share any of their things with the other kids, in this one's case. They don't even want you to conversate. Socialise, connect,

Another thing is bad boys often don't want to get work or do the whole fake entrepreneur thing. I respect anybody that has the strength to work hard step up and be an entrepreneur a businessman, or just work to earn their keep, these things take discipline. Beware that you are not dating a guy that is completely undisciplined. Also, with a lot of bad boys it's bro's over ho's be ready to consistently be put on the backburner, you should be a priority. You should be relevant and significant enough to demand and command respect, so respect yourself. Avoid the drama of the bad boy.

Fight for fun and fruitfulness

image by Mothykyuu

Fight for what you want. Go for it because you only live once. I'll say this a thousand times. It's weird that i say it so many times on redebony but it's the truth, so many people in life, live it afraid. They are in this natural passive state of fear, and their so used to being afraid sometimes they don't realise that is what their feeling. sometimes if you don't try. If you don't tap into the frequency of the explorer, you will not venture into the unknown and see what you need to see, find the answers you need to find, know what's right for you or who is right for you. It's so easy to slump back in life and let everybody else live, because were just so scared to do. Scared of being judged. What will other people think of us? Lets rise above what they think? Decide that it's not about what they think, or who they are. We respect ourselves, lets continue to do that. And not let envious people rotten with their own inferiority complex , try and drag you through the mire of their own pain. Focus on fighting for what you want. Focus on fighting for who you are, and refuse to let anybody steal your joy, and take your strength from you. Remain focussed on your goal.

Reeling in your self respect

 

 

 

 

image by Kimjoanne

Respect. When I was in uni my best friend had a gift. She could weave a spell around men like a ball of yarn. Next to her at times I felt dumpy, ugly, unattractive, but deep down I knew I was none of those things. It's just what happens when you compare Yourself to someone else. Yet despite all the attention she got, it took me two years to realise what she could see but I hadn't. The guys seemed to have more respect for me than they did her, they wanted to have debates with me about politics, current affairs, private matters which it was clear some of them didn't feel comfortable discussing with their peers.

Sadly my friend continued to be treated with less and less respect. I knew that it was her lack of respect for herself that was translating. At the time I saw the beauty to my friend. Yet her need to pretend to be someone else, act in a way that showed she craved attention, meant soon enough her beauty would begin to fade before some often shallow characters, whose actions showed their beliefs ....that people could easily be replaced.

Wether you have supermodel looks, or see yourself as an average Anna Respect yourself. If you don't resect yourself, those around you wont respect you. We lead by example and not by chatter. Many times in my life especially when it comes to the opposite sex, I've taken the wrong kind of risks. I recently took a risk on a guy who appeared to be 'mr nice' I discovered painfully so that he was weak and mean spirited. My pride and self respect said you can do better, it was a lack of self esteem that led you in that direction anyway. Respect yourself because you are worthy of respect.

Rising from ridicule

image by Butterflyritsuka

My ears switched quickly to super sonic sound. As I fixed them it hit me bright as the solar system, the guy I thought I liked wasn't just making a mockery of me, or turning me into the worlds biggest comedic act, he'd taken the podium and was saying these things to set the example. Not only did I not get the confrontation I wanted, but for the rest of the year he became the invisible man. I did not see him, all I knew was that i'd hear him from time to time validating himself at my expense.

When you pick people, choose wisely. Pick someone who who would respect you and have respect for themselves. Someone who likes you for who you are, and would appreciate getting to know you exactly as you are. If there are things that frustrate them they will be honest enough to tell you about it, and not gossip or belittle you behind your back. Someone who knows there are two sides to every story and will defend you first without prosecuting because it will make them more popular with those around them. Rise from their ridicule, your worth ten of
them and deep down you know it, yet sometimes amidst all the criticisms we forget it.

Denied but not disappointed: Picking the right people

image by Scottjamesprebble

Let the wrong one's deny you. In life when you take a bold step often you will find that those people who were once upon a time friendly, may distance themselves from you. As though you were packing heat.Remember in time though when your boldness pays off, or the people you once cared for try and sneak into your bosom, the door is closed until they earn your trust and respect. The possibility is dead in the water. You can be polite, be sociable, but make sure they see you know that their a shape shifter. You are aware of how quickly they turn and it's not something you desire or require. Their approval is not something you need.

I have never been a saint. What i will say though is what we do to others affects something deep within ourselves.A while ago i reached out to the wrong type of person. Someone with a nasty jealous spirit, and in return because they had no self esteem, they tried to crush mine. When you choose people to associate with, it is important to pick wisely. Some people will never earn your respect, but just make sure you respect yourself.

Top ways to spot real attraction:Acting out real attraction

Attraction is the cinnamon on the pancake. It is not the whole pancake. Attraction is not respect, it's not loyalty, it is not companionship. Growing up and hitting the dating scene I used to frustratedly analyse with friends or family even, why a guy who seemed so attracted to me would either back off, or standby whilst other people criticised or attempted to ridicule me. I remember saying to friends over and over again, "just the way he looks at me, I can tell he's really into me," what I was doing was projecting my own romantic ideals and sensibilities on guys who did basic things like stare at me, or ask for my details, and seek out information about me. Things as surface and plastic as attraction, will loose you a lot when you place a bet on the wrong character. Let people show you who they are.One of my biggest mistakes was assuming certain things about people based on little habbits they carried out. For example, if someone would look at the floor or act nervous and anxious id assume that they were shy and afraid , therefore the saviour complex would kick in. Sometimes its not other people we need to save. We need to save ourselves. The whole attraction does he like me doesn't he? I'd say, let people put in the work. If someone is genuinely attracted to you let them actively show you that they are.

Attraction rule number 1: When someone is for real, they will defend you. So many times women go after guys who seem to be mr interested and then they are introduced to the guys friendship circle and the other people in his world, hello trouble. Attraction is more than the guy who doesn't speak up. I once knew someone who tolerated a guy that called her ugly and went as far as refusing to be seen in public with her, despite her being a very attractive girl. For some reason, he was embarassed by her.

Attraction rule 2: The guy who doesn't respect women in general yet somehow seems to 'respect' you? Deluded much? If you find yourself around a guy who has the audacity to call any woman, a slut, a whore , consistently puts them down and tries to make them feel inferior.....PROBLEM!!!!! About things like the way their dressed, walk or talk......well as soon as you fall out with a guy like that....those things that he said about her are exactly what he'll say about you.

Attraction rule 3: The guy who always seems interested when he just wants sex. Baaaad idea. Not cool, not on. A guy shouldn't be interested in you because he's after something,he should be interested in talking to you, spending time with you, getting to know you.

Attraction rule 4: The guy who never calls. No, a real no no.

Attraction rule 5: The guy who never pays for anything. Yet is somehow always available for meals,get togethers,things that cost money

Attraction rule 6: The guy who can never afford to buy you a gift but seems to always have the newest and most expensive gadgets.....Selfish much?

My argument is simple.attraction is nice. That magnet or sudden pull of curiosity, that ripple of appeal. Yet, you want the person to put the work in. It's great when you get noticed but a guy needs to do more than notice you. He needs to show he cares.

Fighting Fallen thoughts

image by Grinch 7

Wow emotional relapse or what? We have moments where our self pity gets the better of us. Pity got the better of me yesterday, my eyes sweated out onions, and my smile needed a treasure hunt. Someone great once told me, failure is not something that happens instantaneously. It is a series of opportunistic regrets. I call these moments, the small moments. Where you get so caught up in what you could have done, should have done, who you could have been...you forget who you need to be for yourself right now. There were times in my life where if you'd asked me, i could tell you in intimate minutia detail what i'd done wrong, where and how. Now though i believe in focussing on the things you are getting right. The things that fill you with pride and a sense of righteous self esteem day in and day out. Not because your getting the tap on the back that you deserve or the aggressive handshake, more so because you know who you are, and you respect who you are. It's easy to let other people strip us bare. People who dont even know us leave our walls barren sometimes, hollow, and at times we may even feel nameless. Yet in the darkness, be proud and upright in who you are. That true essence, that sense of self, that part of you that no one can steal or take away from you, because it belongs to who...it belongs to you. Today, you are going to celebrate who you are. Simply because failure is not the final chord.

Understanding mean spirited monsters

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The more you ignore a jealous narcissistic person, the more power you have. The irony of life is that the same people who try so desperately to destroy you, always want to be close to you in some way, if they know you dont like them, you dont respect them, and dont actually want to be close to them as an individual, they may ridicule you, belittle you, humiliate you, turn you into a joke. The hot topic of their conversations if they can be bothered to. What do all these things have in common.....that person is still trying to get your attention. Their trying to get a reaction because they cannot acquire your respect. If you find yourself in a situation where you feel you are being treated thus badly and it seems to be a repetitive vain in your life, you seem to find yourself asking the same secret, self sacrificial, victimisation question, "Why me?" Most likely you hold such a low esteem for yourself that people with even far less self esteem are tricking you into thinking your the only person with a problem. IT'S ALL YOU...Nonsense. It takes two people to make a fight happen.

If your walking around saying "it's not like i'm attractive, or beautiful, or this or that, " why am i being targeted...most likely it is partially because your beautiful, or attractive, or appear likable bubbly and popular. People will insult you about qualities you have because their envious of them. Someone who thinks your beautiful may call you shallow out of jealousy, ask yourself this....why were they looking so closely? Someone who sees the way the opposite sex reacts to you, may be bored, tired of feeling insignificant, and fed up with being ignored decides that you should be the butt of their joke, someone who is weak and easily manipulated will follow along because their weak by nature. Understand the motivation. When someone is strategically winding you up, their doing it for one reason and one reason only, to get a reaction. Be smart. Why do they want your reaction? Your attention, your time. Why would they invest so much energy in cultivating such hatred? Boredom..insecurity...inferiority...time. They must have a lot of time on their hands.Validate yourself. Shine brightly, boooooooom before their very eyes. I was watching Starlight with Claire Daines and there was a line she said when the wicked witch played by Michelle Pfeiffer was attacking her and the future king. "What do most stars do.....shine." Shine as brightly and beam as much as you  possibly can. Be happy. Genuinely happy. Your joy empowers you.

How to spot a toxic friend: Choosing friends wisely

It's important to hand pick your friends very carefully. If you associate yourself with bitchy people , gossips, envious people who specialise in putting others down, you will forever find yourself tiptoeing on thread, and flicking cautious glances behind your back.

You know what everybody else knows, if they can do it to other people they can do it to you. They are not trustworthy, and trust is the foundation of any relationship. People who build their confidence from putting others down are truly toxic.

When confronted their liars who specialise in giving others half truths. Their often quite charismatic, funny, charming...but their charm is fiction. The reality of their insecurities or inferiority complex is too much for the world to handle. They'd rather be a mime. Self esteem doesnt come from crushing the skulls of those who you feel may be easier targets. Self esteem comes from achieving and accomplishing goals you set out for yourself, and being a version of yourself you respect. Esteem is defined as seeing yourself as equal to or on par with those around you. Esteem comes from taking pride in yourself. In who you are and what you can become. Your too focussed on your own potential to have to throw spears at everybody else. You are busy . You have 'thangs' to do. Life wont wait on you because your insecure. Picking your friends wisely is very important in life. Positive people will help you grow, a negative hyena will scavenge your bones appart.

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Building yourself to bonus: How to stay positive when others tear you down

It's easy to start tearing yourself down because others do. We make the mistake of thinking we have to agree with everyone. If someone tries to tear you down, ridicule you, make you look small so they can look and feel important. Remember they have an agenda, and that agenda wont get them very far. Whatever you do, dont get caught up in their mess, don't find yourself drowning in their issues, because you're better than them, and that's why they tried to pull you down in the first place. Laugh as loudly as you possibly can, be as happy as you are, and as loving as possible over and over and over again. Let their misery rot them and not you. Sometimes we even try to reach out to those who have belittled us or made us feel small, because in our hearts, we want to show that we are better people. Focus on your life, and on your journey. Karma is a very busy bee, it catches up to even those that think they are above it. Fight for your happiness, and live your life. You only get one.Don't let someone negative live in your head rent free,keep your head up, embrace the positive things in the universe, give love, recieve love, and choose wisely. You are worthy of respect.
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Life:The teacher with the stick (Embracing painful lessons)

Life dolls out lessons.
Painful lessons that end up in self blame or us blaming other people. Throughout much of my pain especially with dating, or partners, even friendships. The message was, value yourself. Respect yourself, admire yourself. It's a lesson that takes a life time to sink in. It's a lesson that takes much analysis, over analysis, projection, draining. It's an exhausting lesson. It's hard to play the blame game on yourself, especially when someone has acted appaulingly to you. Take responsibility for your choice, and your agenda. It's tough, many times in life we find ourselves knowing what to do and ending up hypocrites. Remember this though, it was a lesson learned. For example that painful experience with a guy that pretended to be Mr wonderful, who hurt your feelings and lowered your self esteem, you've seen what you need to see. He can never approach you pretending to be Mr nice Guy, those rose tinted glasses are gone, that guy who seemed to spend a lifetime trying to get your attention and when he got it acted like an arsehole, will think twice before approaching you again, the guy who appeared to like you then began to loose interest as soon as others started whispering in his ear, will think twice before desperately hunting you down. You would have changed, you will have something he can never grasp, confidence and self respect. He will look but think twice about touching, will gaze but even the concept of speaking to you, will terrify him, because you have changed. Your stronger, more confident in yourself, happier and completely unavailable. The sad thing about guys like this is that some of us are actually stupid enough to try. Women i've spoken to have often cracked this joke, 'they always come back,' because sadly some guys who seem to have crawled out of the dirt, become drawn to you once more. When they see that they've lost you. All your attentions, and your affections, or there's a possibility they could. Do not be swayed by sulking, or words with cinnamon and honey, the fantasy of who they were has changed, the reality of who they are lives on. Embrace the lesson even if it's painful, the universe is trying to tell you something.

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Investing in the individual: Clocking a cowardly guy

How could he lie like this? The same guy that paced me like a shadow, stalked me like a predator wasn't just saying bad things about me, he was saying disgusting things about me. My ears throbbed my throat constricted i felt sick that just for a moment, a second, a drop of a breath, i thought this looser was worth something. I wondered if maybe i had become so lonely that i was seeing things that weren't there. Mere ego, shallowness and self glorification like a jealous person close to him had pronounced. Then i remembered exactly who i was, and what the people around me had seen. A guy who was too scared to even exist, and the way he'd watched me for years, or asked questions about me, curious to engage in my world. In a moment of humility and vulnerability i'd stripped myself bare....saying this is who i am. Humour, kindness, cheekiness, guts. It was a note. A brave note. In response i saw a bully, desperate to acquire respect from those around him. Not by actually standing for something, but abusing something he felt made him very powerful. From seeing him appear 'conveniently' till it became obviously suspicious....the man with no spine, suddenly vanished. He didn't actually disappear, i could actually hear the loud cackling from his dire attempt to compete at sibling rivalry.

These are the cowards we should always avoid. People who appear to be something else, but are like an apple pie with maggots in them. If you sense someone is like that, weak, and will dust you as soon as anything happens. They wont face you to question you or see if youre okay, or think this person has always been decent to me, they'll think 'what will other people think?' Ironically i actually got out of it what i was seeking without realising. For a while it sucked being the butt of his families joke, and a bitter attempt at trying to make me look small. I realised though ultimately i got what i wanted. Shy guys appear mysterious, vulnerable, and in the case of him you are grossly mislead to think he's a 'nice person.'  When we think of  investing in an individual sometimes it's trial and error and your instincts will trick you. Dont go on who you think they might be, roll the dice and get merry on that. Take the time to know who they actually are, fiction shouldn't be the finality, a fake person doesn't cut it.

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