The fog of others

It's easy to let others tell you who you can become. For years I was bullied out of my own skin by a coward who loathed himself. We trust the wrong people to love us, we trust the wrong people to build us up when we're vulnerable, because we're too fragile to build ourselves up. As I was laughed at , and ridiculed, put down, humiliated,by a guy who spent years afraid of his own shadow, I realised the most sacred lesson I should have learned. I kept reaching out for love for friendship, but self is love, and family is network. It is important to know who you are and where you come from,otherwise people who are weaker, who have failed themselves will use you as a crutch as a platform to build up an identity of strength. The guy who bullied me for years spent years dragging his face across the pavement, he could barely hold his own shoulders up. Now I think of the humiliation he caused me, the false friends he gathered whilst doing it, and I can only laugh, because I see so much clearer now. Once upon a time through his fog of insults I couldn't see at all.

Disabled girl abusers disgrace

Rotted bones
And life
Excuses
Damaged men
Always have
Their uses
For vulnerable
Pretty little things
A child of
Mind
His fear
Of left behind
Why did he pick you
Because he is sick
Because he's perverted
Because he's a freak
Silence your pain
With the slam of
A door
Clap
Caged in the nuisance
Of his tortured existence
I hate you
But love me
He cries
It spills and spills
Those massacre tears
For he's been doing this
A while
And no one knows
How it messed
You up inside
Don't let her leave
Don't let her leave
You are at the start
The lengths he'll
Deceive
A running track
Of missing heads
Of lurching brains
No shoulders 'stead
Don't let
Her leave
I'm all fucked up
It trickles down his sleeve
Target the disabled
The one with no connections
Tonight I'll worship
And thrust my erection
In.open air
The breeze of space
No shame is like
An
Abusers disgrace

Weak moments are allowed

image by iraqiguy

We all have our weak moments, what's even more pathetic, are the people who use your weak moments to validate their lack of self esteem. Your destruction is how they get their kicks, and if they break you, they believe they will be happy. Sadly people like this show themselves for what they are, the reveal the pieces that are them, the broken images, the jigsaw of a shattered reflection, they cant bare to look at. The reality is they invite destruction into their own lives, they reveal themselves to those around. The wallpaper cracks are very visible. Here's a reality cheque sometimes we need to cash, if someone invests that much time in breaking your spirit, in putting you down, they must be pretty damaged inside. No matter how small they make you feel, remember you must be pretty important for them to invest so much time in tearing you down. Just remember, our weak moments, our silly moments, vulnerable, embarassing, even our humiliation is all worth it, because we can utilise it as a strength and become something greater. Let other people judge you, they too will be judged.

Cracking into the crazy code: Defining crazy in a mental world

image by greeneyesofrain

After numerous dating disasters one thing always sticks in my mind. There has not been an ex boyfriend i dated who didn't call their last partner 'craaaaazy.' The term is used so loosely, and people often languish in it. Almost having it as an option to alienate and discredit those that they don't really like. For example with one boyfriend, i found it wasn't so much that his ex girlfriend was 'crazy' it was that he had no self esteem, she had some self esteem, was actually confident, and he was too clingy. She had an independant nature about her, and was sociable, popular, outgoing and supposedly areal force of nature, despite being 'craaaaaazy,' my ex boyfriend could not resist moaning and ranting, or even trying to compete with her. It begs the question. If someone is crazy, why try and compete with them, doesn't that mean their completely illogical, a threat to your safety, and the safety of those around you, why would you go near a crazy person and play a game of lets compare lives. I started to realise my ex boyfriends version of crazy when i began to make successful strokes in personal career goals, suddenly it wasn't just a pet project that i had been working on, when big names began to contact me for shoots and i'd get excited about it and share the good news with him, i also in time became the enemy as well. It started off as little digs, and put downs here and there, then when i began to challenge his ego, and his whole 'friendship' illusion went down the toilet as i refused to get into a relationship with him where i knew i would not be respected as an equal, of course i was crazy too. Another boyfriend who i thought was absolutely hysterical had once been chased by his ex with a pair of 'really sharp scissors' as he recalled the story, with his little boy face on, and his sulky brown eyes, at the time i thought wow i'm really privileged that he's confiding this in me, "SHE MUST BE CRAZY!!" Wrong again, not only did he have a murky past, but his ability to be a user, selfish, and drive you to the edge is almost second to none. If ever there was a job titled called 'wind up artist', he would have been driving a Mercedes and being paid seven figures. What am i saying Here? Dave Chappelle said it in one of his interviews, see beyond the term 'crazy. It's a label used to discredit people so intellectually you dont take them seriously, socially you dont take the seriously, and if they have answers you think twice about going to them and asking the information you require. A jealous and not especially skilled manipulator can convince us that someone is 'crazy' and we should stay away from them as though mental health is a virus that can be caught. Actually some of the most functionally normal people in society can appear to be crazy in some instances. Crazy to me means chaos, out of control, because as human beings, no matter what people tell you, we all have a god complex. Someone can be very bubbly , outgoing appear to be very stable, then they sink into a deep depression, and things spiral out of control from there, someone can become extremely stressed out in a situation and because of poor stress management levels, the balance is tipped to the other side, they feel as though they bit off more than they can chew, someone can be attacked, raped, violated, all that pent up aggression turns into something else, Love can make someone crazy,jealousy can make someone crazy, Bitterness can make someone crazy, Financial Bancruptcy can sink someone into a hole.An arsehole boss can drive someone over the edge, and we've all heard the stories about passive aggressive people who finally loose it after being conservative and holding everything in for years, just snap. Then people say oh my god they seemed so normal, how do you define normal? I have a problem with really immature people who have deep rooted insecurities of their own have failed in other areas of their life, and use someone else's pain as a platform for humiliation. Were not perfect. We all act silly from time to time. I mean though those who get a real 'kick' out of seeing someone do something out of the ordinary because it means they can hail the flag and say see 'their doing something that's different, it's not the norm is it?" He he he. Look at how they turned out, and look at me. Sadly if this is how people like this measure their standards, then they are outright failures. Doing normal doesn't guarantee that you are 'normal', and being a normal regular Jane, or Jack, wont guarantee that your happy. Success is a happy fullfilled life, without being territorial, insecure,afraid of everyone,and everything. There are many people whose ideas were seen as far out and crazy, yet when their inventions or idea's acquired financial backing, they weren't crazy anymore....they were geniuses.

How to not like a looser

Image by KamaLama


How can you tell if a guy likes you? Let me tell you a story. Once a girl liked a guy, all the body language signs told her he was interested in her too, the staring, watching, bumping into, quizzing about. Upon rushing and diving in head first, not only did she realise painfully so the guy wasn't interested, she also had to put up with the 'I know you like me, I don't find you vaguely attractive avoidance dance.' That included a side platter of surplus ridicule, and consistent humiliation.

Here is something we need to embrace. If someone likes you you'll notice key things. They want to spend time with you, get to know you, make sure you know they were interested so there's no possibility of another guy getting his hands on you. They will make a conscious effort to make it clear to a world of onlookers, I desire this, I want this. Of course there is some lee way with the shy guy, or shy personality. They may do strange things like follow you like a shadow one second, then nervously cross the street when they see you the next. Or when asked if they like you, anxiously blurting out they don't, yet you see them watching or staring at you from the corner of their eye, and consistently happening to bump into you to the point where it becomes as obvious as your surname . Keep key things in mind, only time will tell, and fools rush in. Allow them the opportunity to express what their feeling if you sense it's hard for them to get it out. Just remember there's someone finding it difficult, then there's playing hard to get, then there is playing not to get. There are people who may not especially like you, but the emotional vampire in them craves the attention your giving them. Some of us are risk takers and go getters who don't fear rejection. If you are, and determined to make a bold step, make sure your stepping towards the right person. Otherwise you could find yourself being carted off in one of life's wheelchairs. Pick someone with positive character traits. Someone you will respect, and who will respect you.

Candy crusades: The charm of the abusive individual

Image by deadkitty



Have you ever been so obsessed by how sweet and amazing someone was to you in the beginning, you refused to see anything else? Thats the first step to the emotionally abusive/ physically abusive relationship. The woman/ man so obsessed with the image they saw initially, begins a crusade. A candy crusade. Her abuser becomes airbrushed, and every conversation is an ad campaign to outsiders on how sweet the dysfunctional partner is. I have one question. Is the bruise sweet? Are the excuses sweet? Are the lost friendships and distanced family sweet? No it hurts you... How about the eggshell fear or the lack of trust? Candy crusades won't help our damaged relationships,they are not your jesus Christ.  We have all been through the frustration of having anger issues, low self esteem, if you've lived, you've fallen appart a few times and had to pick yourself back up again. Were all humpty dumpty in our own way.

Someone with anger issues, low self esteem, or past drama doesn't get to use you as their emotional punching bag. Sorry overtime, does not make up for the emotional trauma. Sorry sounds nice. Does it make up for the scars, the feelings of isolation, complete humiliation, misery. Downtimes, depression, all those times when you cry in the dark and the excuses you have to make?

Does it make up for feeling weak? Or being in that constant nervous state of paranoia? Does it make up for feeling on edge? No it doesn't. Emotional abusers are very charm offensive, most of them are excellent at what.....manipulation. If there was a school called manipulation school 101, they'd all have diploma's from it. Ironically enough despite all the things they do, and even some of the things they say they dont want you to leave. They want you to keep you close so they can control you, because what is an emotionally abusive /physically abusive person's greatest fear, it's the fear of being left. Deep seated abandonment issues. When you get away from the chaos and the cobwebs of all their insecurities, when you cut emotional ties and step back you can see clearly exactly whats going on. 

Daredevil dating: why it's alright you took that risk

poluted,by andrea Becker


If you've been kicking yourself for the wrong guy, it's time to stop. So you took a risk on a looser, gave the jerkoff ex boyfriend a chance, went after a guy who turned out to be completely gutless. Guess what? It's a rite of passage. You are just a number amongst the millions of gorgeous women out there, whose dreams of prince charming, led them to the scenario from hell. Lauren hill once sang the road to hell, is paved with good intentions; Boy did you feel that, crying alone in the dark, or whining about it to a friend who is soon to avoid your calls. Sometimes in life, you have to experience what we don't want to realise exactly what we want. Often times the media are the ones telling us what we want, those polished movies, that person that walks in from out of the rain and says, 'you complete me.' We forget all the basic things like okay he says I complete him, but around friends and neighbours he makes you feel humiliated, ridiculed. Or he cooked you dinner those few times, yet for the rest of the time he's always comparing you to the ex, who he'd informed you initially was crazy, selfish, and thought she was god. You went after someone because you thought you wanted them,could handle their baggage, now you know better. There's an old saying that says now you know better, you'll do better. It's alright to make those mistakes from time to time, we are reminded of our boundaries. What were willing to tolerate, what our highest ambitions are, and how we define self respect.

Looks Like isn't is: How to stop projecting your romantic feelings unto the wrong guy

We go through phases, where we see something in someone that not only doesn't exist, but is dangerous to our self esteem. Recently i saw a kindness to the wrong type of guy, i put a + b together and came up with a+b=z. As we usually do i defended my action, it would have been different if the guy was less shy, it would have been different if his mother was less insecure and catty, it may have been different if his brother was less of a snooty brat.

The problem wasn't with any of these people. The problem was simply, that i had let loneliness drive me. I'd become so emotionally isolated that i'd believed a guy who was simply parking in front of my house out of ease and comfort, was doing this for some radical reason. Boy did i get the wakeup i needed.I'd stupidly dropped a note of apology on valentines day. Funnily enough i had no clue it was valentines day at the time, and even more hillarious was the assumption i'd offended someone who didn't even care.

What a guy, i quickly discovered my letter of projection hadn't been written to this shy sweet individual, but in fact an ego maniac that was slightly narcissistic. The letter was shown and ridiculed throughout his household, in fact his mother made a point to attempt to stir things up further by asking my mother to summon me to her doorstep so she could 'try' and embarass me further. After that not only did he avoid me like the plague, but he ensured he never parked in front of my house again. Most people wouldn't react this way to an apology, but some people are a special brand of nasty. How do we stop ourselves from projecting your romantic feelings unto the wrong guy?

Don't make assumptions about who they are? Be invited into someone's world as a friend and let their consistent actions define them.

When we like someone we often buy into the report of who they are. Someone overly competitive and jealous, may trick us into believing their attentions is not because they saw another hotter, more attractive guy paying us attention. Someone whose ridiculously insecure from pretending you don't exist may begin worshipping your spotlight because they don't want to be alone.

This isn't a movie, this is real life. Outside of your 'sound of music' la la land, great movie by the way. What you should be looking for is a companion or friend that understands you, likes your company, and is willing to stand up and defend you when others tear you down. A guy that 'might' do these things, 'might' support you, 'might' like you. Mights not enough. Women have a habbit of living in the 'might' along with all the fictional scenarios they create along with it.

Stop projecting. A man is allowed to be a man, and take charge of the situation. Ask you out to dinner, find ways to liase and spend time with you. Women tend to hide behind the delusion that 'their guy' is too shy, too fragile, too insecure. If a guy gets hold of an opportunity and it's something they genuinely want, how many of them do you really think will let shyness get in the way.

If you have made the mistake of projecting feelings unto the wrong guy. Start socialising any way you can, networking, attending events that give you an opportunity to showcase how gorgeous you are.If another guy comes along that's interested, and passionate, give him the chance he deserves. Don't waste your time trying to convince the wrong guy your worth your weight in gold. Work towards validating yourself, avoid guys that waste your time, and remind yourself your worth ten of them.

I realised quickly it wasn't simply that a guy i'd thought might like some sort of communication with me had coldly tried to humiliate me. It was that he'd reacted so immaturely, and so cruelly to someone who was simply trying to express something positive. Despite thinking he was better than me, i realised i was worth a million of him. You just don't do that because Karma is a bitch.It was the wakeup call i needed to start letting people back into my life, and since i've been dating, i've met some genuinely good men.