Looking For

Not a man 
Whose tall and dark, 
Fairskinned 
And has no spark, 
Pretty face, 
With pretty eyes, 
Pretty shoes, 
And pretty ties, 
Flashy clothes, 
And flashy cars, 
Flashy things, 
Hide who you are 
Not a beauty 
In his sight, 
Not a man, 
Who awes 
his might, 
Not a man, 
Who'll love myself, 
Or comfort, 
And keep myself. 
You, 
Are not the heart of me, 
Not, 
My rock, 
And not my tree, 
Not the shoulder, 
For me to lean, 
Not the one, 
Who'll keep me mean 
Been, 
And gone, 
Many times before, 
I was whom 
I was searching for.

Written by Otatade Iseghohi Okojie

How to get over a bad breakup

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Bad breakups suck, especially when your crossing the road when you see each other, or you cant bare to be in the same room as each other. Maybe you have some nasty memories that pop up when you think about that person, or the Chinese whispers about the vile comments he's making about you or family members.

It could be you have fond memories of your best friend stroke lover. Memories can be sporadic like that. Your doing your washing and you remember their laugh, your watching tv and you see their favourite show or something they might like, someone mentions their favourite drink or you walk past their favourite shop, and you feel as though the universe is trying to crucify you. Space. The space you needed was fine until it starts to hurt, or even throb like an invisible wound. Yet remember it was a breakup for one key reason. It didn't work. The function of your relationship to engrosse each others happiness is defaulted. Like a robot that's gone dead. Somewhere in all of this you stopped understanding each other, and decided your flaws weren't cute any longer but explosive. 

Take the space , chug the Ben and jerries ice cream, shop till you drop , party with friends, talk about your feelings, read a book, take on a new project, dream, take on a new goal and focus on move forward. It will be difficult. Healing takes time, yet it's something you must do.

Breakups are difficult to get through. The healing process can be long and exhausting. You may find yourself crying in street corners, on buses, in cars when you drive, as you are circled by friends. Just remember you are already over it. When someone is not right for you, they are not right for you. When someone has broken your trust or damaged your spirit, you need time to build your confidence backup again, and you need to allow a new love into your life with time. You must heal yourself. Cleanse yourself, and try not to punish yourself for making a bad choice. It's not the mistakes we make that define us but how we bounce back from them. 

Man in the apron: How MiSOGYNISTIC IS YOUR MAN

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Slut, whore, trollop?  What about his views on traditional gender roles within a relationship. Does he believe the woman should always manage and be the caretaker of the house, cook , clean, and should have only one male friend? Does he respect women's right to earn a high wage or does he secretly believe that any success a woman accomplishes is based on the bat of an eyelash and a push up bra. How about your successes? Does he always go quiet when you accomplish something, and make consistent digs about a woman's role, and not being his 'woman's bitch' or whipped. How does he refer to other women? Do you see him checking out certain other women, only to lie through his teeth later on and tell you he wouldn't touch her with a barge pole because she's so easy. How does he discuss other women? However he talks about other women is how he will one day discuss about you.

A man who respects himself, is not easily threatened, will not be threatened by the success and strengths of his woman. If you find yourself in a verbally, emotionally or abusive relationship with a man who tries to control what you wear, who you speak to, where you hang out, then be very aware he is a misogynist and is being controlling. If you find that his discussions with friends revolve around belittling and humiliating other women it informs you that he has self esteem issues, is toxic, and may not be the guy you want for the future. It is not a crime for a man to be an alpha male, to believe in traditional roles, but the foundation of any relationship is reciprocity, trust, sharing, support, if you find the relationship is all about what you can give to him, you feel consistently drained and his rants about other women are tiring to say the least.....you may feel as though he gets all the validation he needs from you, yet when you ask for things your told to stop being needy. Or your too full on. Maybe your assertive, yet you feel held back by a guy who seems to have a problem every time you show you can assert yourself......in case your having sleepless nights, ruminating, obsessively fixing, and trying to be less of the fully flamboyant person you are, the problem isn't you. You are just mismatched.

 

Dick in your detective: Signs he's just trying to use you for sex

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wow who hasn't been there? Who hasn't done that? Is he interested in you as a person? Is he interested in getting to know who you are? Your opinion on topics such as politics, culture, social commentary. Is it a hideaway romance, where your both hermits in the din of his house or apartment, or are people actually seeing you around? Do people actually see you on dates? Do you guys do other activities outside of sex? Or is he just desperate to get to the nitty gritty. Does he discuss personal situations, intimate matters with you, or are conversations placid and dry. Does he just randomly stop by, and you only seem to get late night calls? Do you feel an awkwardness after intimacy as though your either expected to leave, despite all these promises he's made to you. All these lovely things said, that at the time seemed so genuine? Do you feel as though the actions don't match the words. He loves you but your still introduced as a friend, when you ask if your serious he aggressively argues your trying to force marriage down his throat, he's proud of your relationship yet you don't seem to have met any of his friends and none of his family? This guys is not for you. Do you find yourself feeling guilty about simple things like calling him up, and asking how he is, you almost feel as though your being needy, or stalkerish. You feel as though he or she keep suddenly going cold, or after being ridiculously intimate, telling you how amazing you are, how much they want you and then nothing. No phone calls for ages, no visits, and there's always a story. His phone is consistently ringing off the hook with other women who happen to just be 'friends'.  They may act jealous and possessive, draw you near, randomly talk about things they think it would be cool for you guys to do whilst you 'hangout.' You are not their number one priority, so why should you be theirs. Why be made to feel bad because simply you care too much for an attention whore who may not actually want to reciprocate the depth of the emotions you feel, the responsibility of a committed relationship, but reap the rewards or the benefits of having you nearby.

The funny thing about people is even just having you there and knowing that your feeling unfulfilled questioning yourself, wondering why your not enough for them, they get to take it for granted, because they don't appreciate your strengths or the good things about you.
When you are in this type of relationship you feel devalued, insecure, you don't trust them, because their lack of commitment means their available and free to access all areas with everyone.

List all your strengths. What are your qualities? What do you like about yourself, value about yourself, what do you bring to a relationship? Is it fun? Bounce? Creativity? Flamboyancy? Warmth? Care. List your assets and your strengths, wouldn't you be happy sharing this intimately with someone who you don't feel guarded with, who doesn't feel threatened every time you give them a bold show of affection. If you sense, which you already know, that your partnership is not equally matched, that your giving more than what your getting, it's time to take your unique selling points to someone that will value them. Be prepared that the concept of loosing you will inspire different reactions from your 'user' buddy', they may advise you that it's the best thing, then beg you to stay. They may vilify you to others spreading slanderous gossip because their bitter you actually had the audacity to attempt to move on. The thing about people especially users is they tend to take you for granted, then it's almost like a sixth sense in them, they can tell when your leaving and may actually fight tooth and nail. Sadly sometimes it's not so much you their fighting for but the ease of the situation, and the comfortability factor.

The Breakup and the Breakdown: How to get over those break up blues

Just for the heads up I guarantee you will get over your ex. You will be happy, laughing, smiling, flirting, but it will take time. You may find old insecurities reappearing,  Comparing yourself to every beautiful super model/ video girl, or pretty street poser, wondering if they would stay with them.

Cry a lot at first . It's allowed, they were part of your life and now their gone....just like that. Some people beg, turn into stalkers and track their exes every move, ward off potential girlfriends , tell tales to work colleagues. Your allowed to cry about it, and not feel weak. Your purging, relieving all the emotional distress and letting it filter out in a pool of tissues.

Moan A lot, it's allowed. Yes sir/ ma am your heart broken. It hurts. You will get through it. It sucks right now, but time and distraction are two incredible healers. You will question your decision, especially on those lonely nights, or when you've listened to your other girlfriends talk about their relationships. Remember you broke up for a reason. The fact that it brought your relationship to a standstill means it was a solid tangible reason. If you broke up for issues of trust, separation is the right choice. Respect yourself and work towards building  your self confidence, whilst your taking that much needed time for independence.


When we get down we focus on what we did wrong, obsessing about our mistakes and all the bad choices we made, and all the things that put us in a bad light. Yet what if the universe had a bigger plan. What if this ex partner, fine as they were, fun as they were, charismatic as they could be sometimes were just not the right person for you?...In the long run.

Put on some music. Positive, fun, and funky music, stimulates the mind and gets the chakra's pulsating with energy. It gets you all excited and get's your juices going.

Go out with some friends, and socialise.Get flirty I know you feel like sinking into that delicious pit of self pity right now. But the more positive energy you have around you, the better...Raise your vibration levels. It feels good to feel attractive again. Get glammed up, strut and smile, your worth it.

Get fit, and get active. Self pity is a great safety net but it wont do the trick for those dumpy emotions. You will think about your ex often. Miss them, wonder if their out with another date, but you need to get focussed, and you need to get busy. It's not about them, it's about you, you need to get back into the frame of mind where you enjoy your self in your own skin, and you love being in your own company. Breakups bring out all our depressed moods and all the insecurities that lurk beneath our pain.

Get a hobby, or focus on an old one that was positive, and made you feel both excited and exhilarated. Finding an activity to focus on rather than what you

Ice cream is fine, but going wreckage on junk food will make you twice as miserable, less likely to pull and be happier within your own skin.

Everybody bitches and rants about their ex but curb your curse control, your an icon, and a big fish you have more important things to talk about. If the people around you are obsessively trying to bring up your ex as a hot topic or point of convo, either be polite...when you've hit your 'rant limit' try and sound like a well wisher and not a hater. Or if it's too much, just be firm and say' to be honest their my past and I've been taught to drive by looking at the road ahead. " Or " I'd much rather talk about something more significant."

R.E.M were write. To be honest, everybody hurts. What people don't tell you about the breakup often is that bo8th parties are hurting, the person who leaves and the one who gets left. There is a familiarity with relationships, a companionship, and a partnership, that we get used to. Do you think you miss your best friend when you go on holiday? Yes you do. You have so much to tell them, because you can confide in them. There are things a man or a woman can tell their boyfriend or partner that they don't even tell their friends or family, because it's a different kind of bond. It's a bond that will be missed.

If you were cheated on, or your partner had to break things off because the relationship became too intense there was too much pressure, they will still miss you , but you need to focus on moving forward without being angry and bitter. Get a punching bag if you have to box, do some exercise and fitness classes

Go shopping for cool quirky and exciting things, save up to go on holiday, or go on regular walks, adventures, jaunts, and explore.

Visualise yourself looking stunning, happy and made over if you were to ever bump into him again. You are gorgeous, do not forget your assets.

Read something inspirational or motivational, try and get that excitement you had for living and that joy you had for life again. Remember they were your ex for a reason.

Mixed but moving forward: When someone knows your exactly what they want

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" I like him, but the mixed signals....I don't like." we've all been there, where you find yourself confused about some potential or semi relationship. He says/she says they like you. They want to spend lots of time with you, they ask you out often, but when you request definitive answers from them you find yourself on Island grey area. Boom!! There goes your exploding delusions about this becoming a serious relationship, and they put enough cinnamon to reel you back in again. You are not somebody's entertainment, their play thing, their toy. When someone genuinely likes you they know exactly what they want. You're time, your attention, your respect. None of this includes walking in grey area, or as I like to call it walking on Jelly. Someone who likes you is never all about talk, and confusing equations. Their actions tell you what you need to know. If they find that you are confused, or they are some way giving you mixed signals? Just to make things clear they will express themselves be it during a conversation, a note, a phone call, a dinner date. There is no doubt in their mind that your the one they want.

The view from under the bus: When someone throws you under

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Have you ever experienced being thrown under the bus, maybe your flung by a work colleague, a supposed friend, even a potential partner. It tells you key things about them. One is that the next time it could be the railway tracks. Jokingly teased or 'exposed' by family members who love you is not being thrown under the bus. What you do when you are thrown under the bus, is dust yourself off, know you want absolutely nothing to do with this individual keep your head up and just keep walking. Let them admire your shadow. If you can't trust someone what are their uses.

The foundation of any relationship is trust. You cannot fully respect someone you do not trust. You cannot confidently share with someone you do not trust. If there is no trust a relationship cannot flourish. Someone who tosses you under the bus with such ease without wondering about how you feel or your emotions may not be the right person for you, but sometimes in life....you live....you learn.

Shrinking people: Understanding small minded people

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It's easy to make ourselves a prisoner to other people. To their judgements, cruel commentary, ridicule and at times their disappointments. Here's a thought, 'you only live once.' Claim your independence back, fight for your freedom,the wrong types of people shouldn't have such power over us. People who themselves are plagued by memories they can't fix. Let them throw their boulders in their glass homes, it will collapse on them. They are crippling themselves, and most of the time making themselves look untrust worthy without realising it. Let me give you an example. There are 3 people in a room. One person begins to compete with the other instead of healthy competition he/she decides to socially alienate that person.They are not aware of the simple rule trash talking will not make them feel better about themselves in the long term. In the short term it will. It does two jobs, it focusses negative attention on the target of their critiques, if their comments are funny, they get to feel liked, interesting,appreciated, but the reality is....in the longterm it paints them in a bad light. It shows they are untrust worthy, jealous. The person they are so desperate to impress begins to doubt them. The foundation of any relationship is trust. Although that person is desperately trying to make you look bad, soon enough others will see through it, and will realise this person is only making themselves look bad. Why is it so important to them what you do? What you say? Who your dating? What your wearing? How you walk? If you were so small, why have you become so big in their world? Why are they giving so much time to you? Trust is a vital thing

Top ten signs a guy is not over his ex

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1) He talks about her a lot. Wether he's saying horrible things and attempting to destroy her reputation, or he's bringing up memories that relate to her.....she's on his mind.

2) He gets nervous Everytime he sees her

3) He tries to belittle or humiliate whoever she's dating

4) Whenever you call him he's talking to his ex, or at her house

5) He always says he 'bumped' into her when he knew she was going to be at an event, and he dressed extra special because of it.

6) He's buying her more expensive gifts than you, and your his girlfriend.

7) Other people have seen them coming back from dinner, sources you can actually trust

8) He's kept several memento's from their relationship. Pictures, gifts, maybe old lingerie

9) He keeps comparing you to how 'amazing' she was, but argues he doesn't want her back

10)He's buying her gifts, including on valentines day

Dating Disasters: How to deal with cruel rejection

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Dealing with rejection/being snubbed/ridiculed by someone who you thought liked you can be a nightmare. You go back and forth through all the woven strands, their body language said this, it looked like they wanted to be near you, your head seemed to screech with the idea that maybe this guy could be the guy.....go for it....go for it.....splat.

first move in your own personal game of chess, let it go: Some things aren't meant for you. It may not seem so now, but the universe is trying to teach you a lesson rather than pro-longing the pain. You've been saved hours, weeks, months, possibly years. There are people now trapped in the wrong kind of relationship, because nobody had the heart to say no to them. That 'no' has saved you, from being led on, wasting time that could be well spent on your progress, on something as basic as pining or analysing.

There are loads of celebrities today, absolute stunners, who were actually turned down. The way someone rejects you also says a lot about their character. It speaks in volumes all the things they kept covered. For example someone who seemed shy, or quiet, might actually be a total jerk. Someone who seemed nice and kind, could even be quite villainous. If you take a risk on someone and they decide that now they are in a position of power, they will blast your nervous vulnerability all over the place with megaphone arrogance, then you know this is the real person.

You haven't missed out on much.Rejection, ridicule,snobbery, in time you will get over it, also you will find a partner who has better character. Sometimes we debate with ourselves, dragging out the agony. Let it go, it's done, and you have been saved a most costly plight. This does not me those same troubled feelings wont pop up, the hurt, anger, annoyance, feelings of rejection, ride them out. They will disappear with time.

Sometimes the most valuable things we learn is the lesson, and that is priceless. Take the lesson and use it.

How to spot a toxic friend: Choosing friends wisely

It's important to hand pick your friends very carefully. If you associate yourself with bitchy people , gossips, envious people who specialise in putting others down, you will forever find yourself tiptoeing on thread, and flicking cautious glances behind your back.

You know what everybody else knows, if they can do it to other people they can do it to you. They are not trustworthy, and trust is the foundation of any relationship. People who build their confidence from putting others down are truly toxic.

When confronted their liars who specialise in giving others half truths. Their often quite charismatic, funny, charming...but their charm is fiction. The reality of their insecurities or inferiority complex is too much for the world to handle. They'd rather be a mime. Self esteem doesnt come from crushing the skulls of those who you feel may be easier targets. Self esteem comes from achieving and accomplishing goals you set out for yourself, and being a version of yourself you respect. Esteem is defined as seeing yourself as equal to or on par with those around you. Esteem comes from taking pride in yourself. In who you are and what you can become. Your too focussed on your own potential to have to throw spears at everybody else. You are busy . You have 'thangs' to do. Life wont wait on you because your insecure. Picking your friends wisely is very important in life. Positive people will help you grow, a negative hyena will scavenge your bones appart.

image by Shino Love Bug 248

Dating as a minefield: Are you about to emotionally combust

Dating can feel like a minefield. Honestly there are thousands, no millions of does he like me, does she like me? Are these signs they find me attractive questions that bombard the internet daily. I have discovered with much trial and error, if someone is attracted to you, they could be the shyest man on Earth...they want you to know somehow. Those lingering stares are great, people who fancy you always want to be near you, even if there's just a hint of a possibility they might bump into you....They want to see that hair do, new outfit, say hi, or have a brief encounter that could be slightly prolonged. Some go as far as buying you gifts, or popping up everywhere you are, asking questions about you, inviting you to places, or the more confident of the bunch simply ask you for your telephone number, and guarantee you'll have the time of your life.

I've learned with much agony not every man or woman that gives you attention are the right partner for you. Beneath a hollywood smile could lurk hell on Earth, so choose carefully. The worst mistake is being so desperate not to be alone you fling yourself at the first guy/chick you see. Know which qualities you want, set your boundaries and decide what doesn't appeal to you. People forget the reasons they want to date, is because they want to be happy. Enjoy life, share themselves with someone. Dating and a relationship should not feel like a chore. We should at least experience some of the ideals we yearn for. It's a journey and an adventure. As much as you learn about your partner you begin to learn more about yourself. If you are seeing someone and it feels like a minefield watch out, you didn't start dating to emotionally combust.

image by Faylin
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