Self as magician

We draw our lives with the magic of our subconscious, painting strokes of genius, dancing to reflections of happiness where we can. Alleycats , gypsies in the night, away from a colourless self, scared of being locked in a frame. How will you celebrate your small victories, the little moments your genie heats up a subterranian self.How do you become a self less fractured by fragments of glass people, you put on a pedastal. You must continue to dance where you can, to bathe yourself in the wonder of life, exploring the narratives that come your way.

Action to change

Vision. A voice, an idea, many of us set goals for ourselves yet are too afraid to put them into action. We are on the edge of a precipice consistently generating a similar self, talking change in cycles, desperate to be a chameleon hungry to evolve yet trapped in an unfamiliar place. Between fear and inaction. I have been there so many times, discussing, new and varied ideas, producing charts and ways i will put them into practice and yet when the time came, i was frozen with my own indecision. You have to break it down a piece at a time, challenge it with a list of what you have accomplished what you are capable of, the visual of what you believe you can become. do this daily like a regiment, and do not let others disuade you. For this is your dream, and you see yourself slipping into this seductive skin. Have a  journal, write down your thoughts daily read and listen to things that will empower you , surround yourself with positive influences, and take action. Even in the most microscopic of ways you are challenging your psychology.

The fog of others

It's easy to let others tell you who you can become. For years I was bullied out of my own skin by a coward who loathed himself. We trust the wrong people to love us, we trust the wrong people to build us up when we're vulnerable, because we're too fragile to build ourselves up. As I was laughed at , and ridiculed, put down, humiliated,by a guy who spent years afraid of his own shadow, I realised the most sacred lesson I should have learned. I kept reaching out for love for friendship, but self is love, and family is network. It is important to know who you are and where you come from,otherwise people who are weaker, who have failed themselves will use you as a crutch as a platform to build up an identity of strength. The guy who bullied me for years spent years dragging his face across the pavement, he could barely hold his own shoulders up. Now I think of the humiliation he caused me, the false friends he gathered whilst doing it, and I can only laugh, because I see so much clearer now. Once upon a time through his fog of insults I couldn't see at all.

Your millionaire mind

It doesn't matter what people say about you, it's what you know about yourself to be true that counts. Low self esteem is a slanging match with one's self. We claw ourselves down, because we have the ammunition of other people's razor blade words, words that bleed out every core . Chain you to a new shadow, and sink you to a grave of self contempt. As an entrepreneur, a creative, an individual, as a self, you must love this self, you must affirm positivity to this mind. It is not your passenger, it is your driver, for it to steer you, you must respect it, bless it with new knowledge, connect it to people who have engaged with wisdom whose paths are growing, and excite it with new challenges. The mind loves challenges, your mind wants to show you your potential, but it must ease you into it, with goals, vision, and hunger. In the quiet times speak fire to become flesh, ideas waltz when they are given legs with actions, they parade themselves before you, triumphant, look what I've become, see my path, share my journey. Knowledge doesn't just empower, it heals.

T

Building blocks of brilliance

yesterday something aroused my curiosities  I thought how many epileptic millionaires are known to the public? How many disabled leaders are seen taking selfless, pushing their chests out, or parroting to the papers. Because their goal is not to get attention for their condition, it is to lead a life of example. Use their experiences to guide others, let their embers be the light. Everyday is a triumph, a success story waiting to unfold. When pain creeps stupidly through the dark, it's clipped heels strapping at their antique flooring, they turn the other cheek showing both discipline focus and commitment.They do not let their pain define them. They push through with such vigour and such vision, this is the armour of a leader. When the world throws stones at their conditions, or the forecast is dreary, they keep their head up and allow the shield of an emotional umbrella to protect them from the rain. They remember what once upon a time I forgot, you are your vision, your passion, your pain, your story, your discipline, your victories your loss, your strengths your weakness , you are an archive of things the world is yet to understand. With each bold step you are shaping history. We often use our experiences to define us, some of us are nailed to the past, others of us are frozen in the present to scared to take action for the future. Yet the future is shaped with each action, routine, commitment, and goal met. You may have a disability or know someone who does, whoever you are you are on a journey. You must learn from the travelers abroad.

How to get over being used

This morning i was thinking about the concept of users. Some people think it's cute to use other people, it's business savvy, it's being smart, it's being sharp or strategic. All interesting words to cover up the fact, it's just being a user. How about the person whose getting used? I've had a few people intimately confide in me about how amused they were at playing the user, how they can manipulate others. They feel like it gives them the upper hand, and a sense of superiority. I don't agree. Sometimes i combat their argument and their neatly stitched justifications. That the world is full of users, opportunist, gold diggers. Some have even said they'd rather be a user, than be used. There's no 3rd option. Simply put, i'd rather just be happy. Not have to be a user, Not be used. I often tell this story because it had at the time such a dramatic impact in my life. I once had a friend who suffered from mental health problems, and was exceptional at hiding this from the outside world. I was used as her counsellor, someone to confide in because she was terrified of the world seeing a vulnerable side to her. Obviously you don't tell, everyone you meet 'hey i'm hearing voices, and talking to someone through a radio.' I was there, and remained there for her for 3 years. Yet a resentment and a jealousy build up in her.Behind the smile, and the laughter, there was a hatred that she hid from me,until one day she literally exploded and viciousy attacked me in the street.It was one of those friendships where it was fine so long as i was invisible to the opposite sex,until her close friends started to like me, and want to hang out at my house. It was fine so long as i wasn't trying to be successful and achieve goals, i was fine so long as there was no one else to go to clubs, parties with,and in the case of a selfish needy ex boyfriend. I was fine so long as there was no one else.

How do you get over users? Forgive yourself, time is a great healer. Allow people to earn your respect, permit time for people to reveal themselves. Dont become paranoid and alienate yourself from everyone. Build your self confidence, build a mindset of happiness with boundaries, and the right people will be drawn to you.

Simple self esteem tips

Twilight Selves

Darkest dream
in sigh
Of Night
I pick the self
that dreams so bright
Count the moon
Hum to the stars
I capture moments
Though they were mars
You are soil
The pit of me
The womb of which
I suckle milk
As time it fades
I ache to think
What things may come
If thoughts were silf
and neatly woven
into time
For damaged selves
With half drunk wine
For Kids who pedal
into natures kiss
I ask the universe
More of this
This twilight song
To ease my Woe
I have seen
Jupiter
Once before

Otatade Iseghohi Okojie

Beating betrayal

My discussion topic for today is betrayal? How do you get part someone else's cruel betrayal, and the jealous malice of which they do things. Remember in the short term they think their hurting you but in the long term their hurting themselves. 3 years ago or so a guy i knew was down on his luck, his confidence was shot and he had nothing but a series of issues that kept him stranded on an island of self pity. Noticing this, i took it upon myself to write him a letter, it was the sort of letter that was supposed to cheer him up, make him feel good about himself again. To my astonishment and horror, he used this letter to humiliate me, spread malicious rumours and gossip , alienate me from family members and socially. It was the most sadistic thing anyone could do to me at the time as i was battling confidence issues of my own. If i were to describe him id call him a no hoper, a looser, and a bully, in true cowardly form as he spread his poison he hid in his house, would wait for me to disappear then pretend to be a man in front of his friends and family, concocting a fake beef, and stirring things up as much as possible.

When someone betrays a kindness, the warmth you show them, dont be a glutton for punishment, cut that person out and never invite them back into your life, until they've genuinely changed. Some people can never change, this is how they survive, how they navigate through life's difficult decisions, because they dont have the strength of character to utilize the common sense god gave them. Till this day i believe i had made the mistake of writing to someone who was damaged goods, who didn't love themselves, and that self hatred was projected unto me. If he had been a man he would have told me what his conflicts were, but my belief was that  his jealousy of my family life, happiness and little achievements over ruled the need to be his most masculine self. Take charge and conquer, the chaos as it spiralled further and further out of control. In fact as i wept privately he remained unphazed because not only had he manipulated others to finally see him as what he wasnt, he couldn't tell the difference between real respect, and other people just using you for their entertainment.

Don't hate them, i realize. They hate themselves enough, their a dissapointment to themselves enough, when they look in the mirror they see something gross and disgusting, so why shouldn't you. Imagine them being like a flame that can singe you, keep your distance. There are many arguments in their defence such as things happen, have a forgiving heart. Its great to forgive it helps you move on, all you can do is focus on yourself for now. The pain of betrayal doesn't sting, its like someone taking a blunt object and driving it into your chest with almighty force. I came to two realizations. That was no man, and certainly not one i wanted to be around.

Brutus and Me

image by portia cantonis



Et tu brute
the coward
leaks the vine
I was out
of mind
to trust
his time
and all
the words
he did forgive
as he had new tricks up
his sleeves
Elevator
dumps heartbeat triumphant
I am miscellaneous
already corrupted
A mix of things
No sense and
deeds
I wish
id
had
tricks up my sleeve

Kink in Creative

image by Otatade Iseghohi Okojie




The inner creative self
We  dive through it
A pool of wealth
Ideas like skittle
On the.floor
We load up suitcase
Capture vein
Push through rocks
Dissect our brain
For all its wondrous
Little gnats
Ghosts without practice
Are ones who see bats.

Otatade iseghohi-okojie

oven eyes

Image by Alfred Gockel

loving your eyes
As much as it meant
Stretching the limbs
Already spent
Chewing the ache
Between cross bone
He wants you to
Know your never alone
The girl who sobbed
In blueberry pillow
Give me a dummy
For naive and youth
I curl the hands which pimple
The sheet
Claiming the side
Of one not asleep
Pacing the mirrors
Science twilight
I thought yesterday
I was the chandelier
And when his tongue
It clubbed my ear
Melted with a virgin's fear

Strengthening Self esteem and fueling Self forgiveness

For 3 years someone tried to make me feel so bad about myself , so insecure so small, because they themselves felt inadequate. It was a choice they'd made within themselves, and it was supposedly my fault this person hadn't built up a healthy respect fort themselves. Validated their self esteem. I was called a Nigga consistently, by a black family, ridiculed, made to look small so they could entertain their guests. Here's what i say to people like this. In the long run those you try to destroy can build themselves back up from you as far away from your toxic self hatred as possible. The people you try and ridicule them to, are like smoke, you know when it's present but it will never last. Everybody likes attention , everybody likes to be given attention. This happened because once upon a time id had the empathy in my heart to show kindness to a guy that was lonely, lacking and had no self esteem. I didn't judge the job he did, or act superior or as though i were better than him. Yet his self hate and his own jealousy consumed him, along with the need to be validated by others. Despite telling him that he was doing good, a plus of encouragement, in return he stood back as lies were spread about me, and had the audacity to become jealous when other men who had self esteem could get close to me whilst i crossed the street, ducked swerved, ignored and chose to avoid him for the rest of my life. He was cruel, malicious, and used me as a platform to feel like a man, because without any discussions, complaints, without using me as a foundation he was just an average joe. He had nothing. My kindness had been used as a platform, to acquire respect from others, whilst he hid the truth about a mother that had a fixation with me, and clearly had mental health problems.


When you come across people like this dont make yourself vulnerable. if they have issues with self esteem you wont be a positive person, you'll be an enemy. I had something he didn't have. I was happy and i was confident within myself. Because of this kindness, he saw it as a weakness. He began to ridicule me with friends on a consistent basis, telling lies that i was an ex prostitute, trying to alienate me from as many people as possible. People close to him played the victim, bitter and envious convincing others they were under attack in some way, begging for as much sympathy as possible. People who felt like loosers at life, needed to feel like winners.

When you come across people like this know the truth, because they will twist it and long after the battle is fought will come in with swords and daggers. Why? Because they have felt powerless for most of their lives, felt weak and wanted to validate themselves. Felt as though they were worth nothing. You validating them with kindness makes them believe they can capitalise on this. After three to four years of ridicule, humiliation, spreading all my personal affairs throughout the area, and capitalising on private information about me, suddenly he had made  a mistake. After an intense bout of depression, trauma, feeling consistently judged, being called derogatory names.

Men like this or women like this are full of so much self hatred they are trying to punish you for all the other people that have hurt them in their lives. You are in the midst of an emotional tornado. His defence i made a mistake, whilst strategically trying to alienate me from family, bullying and harassing me, whilst those around him pedalled lies about who i was. Anytime i tried to move my life forward positively, he'd try and reappear , happen to lurk nearby he was sick and i was sick of him. When you come across people who have tried to destroy yourself esteem, suddenly conveniently, what they did was bad. They made a mistake, now they've gotten all the attention for destroying or picking at your self confidence. Whilst you pick yourself appart day by day, just because simply put, you said the truth. Know the truth in your heart, and trust it in your heart. People like this want to destroy you, or take something away from you, then walk around guilt free. He had a daughter, a child. Whilst i was being called a harlot, and a whore, things he knew in his heart i wasn't. He would have the audacity to go to that child. Teach that child. Being a parent from my experience with my family is about growth, your a teacher.

His bouts of " i made a mistake," to reconcile his conscience to give himself piece of mind, to free himself from his issues of self hatred. Whenever i tried to keep a wider distance, he'd announce to people " that i ran away from everything," happening to be nearby at convenient times. Hoping id wave like i used to, or leave whatever i was doing and simply come out and say " yes you made a mistake, but lets move past this."

Never. My mother once said not forgiving someone is like holding unto hot coal, and allowing it to burn you. Hatred eats away at your insides making you bitter. I can happily say, he's too low on the totem pole to hate. A pathetic excuse for a man who couldn't stand up and be counted, and that will haunt him for the rest of his life. I was everything he wasn't and he hated me for it. Used it to his advantage, to make friends, to place himself in a power position and now he's more powerless than ever. He now defends, my depression was " just him messing around," day after day the torment i recieved by an obese sister, bitter because her looks were not up to scratch and a mother that was fixated on me, " was just him messing around" . Digging into my past, naming himself after the man i'd fallen for when i was younger, dredging up the past was just him " messing around." Because people laughed at his jokes, and ultimately i was supposed to learn my lesson.

I have learnt that there are people worthy of love, people you invest in, and those wgho will spend the rest of their lives wondering why they dont feel the love even when its given. Because i dared to have confidence in my dark skin, other men dared to have the self esteem and the independence to think this is an attractive woman, i dont care what anybody thinks, i will go after her. He wanted to punish me because he couldn't punish them. It wasn't anything id done, im an intuitive woman, it was more than that, it was the fact i couldn't love him.

The fact that i couldnt forgive him, because when i was at my most vulnerable, he tore me down so the people around him, would respect him. They'd pat him on the back and say "your such a funny guy," and then what? A girl who once upon a time had humbled herself, would hear him tell others, " i was nothing but a Nigga," call her a Nigga.

After all of that i am proud of myself and proud of my dark skin. I didn't need an audience to tear someone down, i judge people based on my own principles. In this lifetime no matter how he sleeps, in the back of his mind, he will remember this. When i had nothing, and he had nothing to offer me, i never looked at him like he was less than a man, i never laughed at the work he did, never ridiculed him, and never joined others to call him dumb. At that time, much like i do, i'd seen a softness, a kindness there, something that was beyond miniscule things or shallow judgements like how pretty, or smart, someone is. What he had never learned. Is that life makes us intelligent. Whatever road you take you are being taught, school is a tidy education, but the lesson's life teaches you, you never forget them.

I feel no shame in my once upon humble heart. If you are leaving a self that was once familiar to you, ready to make a transition, and it comes from pain, do not punish yourself further. In time you will heal. Forgive yourself the risks, the bad choices, the intent, in my la la land things would have ended differently, as i embrace a new reality i know things would have ended differently if  he was a better man.

Celebrate the choices you made, the stories when they arrive, you'll tell your children with pride. Not winning a pathetic battle against someone with self esteem fighting for the little they had, celebrate having the kindness in the first place, and know how you will adjust in the future.

When i was younger i wrote a series of love letters to a man of mystery, every morning at six o clock , five i'd crawl out of bed and hand post shakespeares poems beyond his door. I was smitten. This didn't end up the way i planned either, but i loved the adventure, the blood pumping through my veins, the flip of a stomache every time i saw him. Because in his deep voice, and his comfortable masculinity i saw, i was all my selves. Boyish, charming, shamelessly pretend over confidence. I still remember his scent, and the way he walked, his black jacket sweeping the air.

My mistresses eyes, i recited to him. Because he was that breathtaking and what i needed to say, i couldn't voice it in words. It was potent, and sweet, creative and sensual, like i was, and until the other sixth formers came, i was unjudged.

If i had a daughter i would write letters to her in the morning she'd wake up to them at the breakfast table. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are priceless, i think often of the pancakes id make for her as we sit at the breakfast table, discussing the days agenda. We'd have pancakes and cinnamon, and a wealth of discussions, about life, knowledge, growth, and the world beyond her walls. Id tell her consistently to love herself no matter what. The world is a tough place. Not because of the things people assume, like job hunting, housing, it's more than that, your constantly looking for the right people to connect to. Connect to your inner spirit, your guardian, the all knowing self, because when those mistakes happen, its not about forgiving others, it's about forgiving yourself for making those investment. What we invest in people is priceless, we invest our time. That time you can never get back. Id tell her to navigate, let others reveal themselves as well, hope the chaos is not in their minds, and they want to share in the wrong way with you. I'd sit her on my knee and read to her, books like the catcher in the rye, Robert Kiyosaki's rich dad poor dad, and teach her how to make Spaghetti Boulognese her way. When it hurts too much i'd cuddle her and say, you took a risk on someone who didn't know what they had. Someone who chose to be weak of mind rather than strong of spirit.

The war is happiness, everything else is in between. If your happy based on the right things, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say honestly to yourself i did this without an agenda, then youy can go home peacefully. Home is the happy place within, a self undestroyed by the monopoly of minds. Yet i would argue in defense of this article although people talk often about forgiveness being the hub of truth and the exorcism of pain. Realise forgive when your ready. Never ever let someone think they can manipulate bully you, or harass you into forgiving them to ease their mind and their conscience. Why your so bad is because despite two parties not acting perfectly, your worse because they crossed boundaries. Not because you were evil, or because you were bad, but because you didn't comply and something is tugging at them. No matter the smiles, the laughter, it is a charade and they will play that part forever. There's a difference between those who are genuinely happy and those who are truly at peace. He will never find peace, because i will never give it to him. It takes a restless soul to set out to destroy then stand in front of an audience and simply say, " i made a mistake." A mistake is spilling pasta, crashing a car into someone's back end, not messing with the sanity of someone else, out of envy and a need to control. To be looked at, as that guy. You dont know how that guy got his self esteem, you may never know his story. Forgive yourself, because when we take risks on people, at the cost of things that are valuable to us, we learn the hard way.

For a long time i was angry, furious, and then i realised, i would never see him again, and i smiled at that. I would never see him, but he would always see himself, he would always know the truth behind the things he did and why he did them, and you can lie to the world but you can never lie to yourself. I took a risk, because i believed in someone and i wanted to pep up their spirit. Not knowing that this kindness they would use as a weapon against me. Exaggerating lies. Freedom comes with truth, for him i will never be that girl again, because that girl was a nice person and she had a good heart. He wont stop me from being that version for others, but he died a long time ago. The illusion was never real, it was someone pretending to be a version,
when no one else was around, being manipulative.

We know what we see, we know why we see it. Maybe we yearn to see those things in people, but when the blinkers come off. Dont be mad at yourself, you made a choice based on a character they presented.  If you have someone nagging at you, whining about the ease you "let things go" know in your heart, the decision is down to you. When the spirit is free, so is the body and most of all so is the mind. I dont blame myself anymore for the risks i took, because it cost me more than i thought it would. Social confidence, i was placed on medications, i shouldn't have been on, my weight changed, but when i look back at what i did, i realise i would do it, but for a better man. A man that's worthy of respect. People say respect is earned for a reason. This strategy protects you, it protects your sanity, and it protects your heart. Let a man like this ever teach about kindness, i sacrificed more than family, i sacrificed sanity, based on a whim, and a character he presented to me personally whilst those around him were told something different. He would die a liar, and i venture towards a greater happiness. I will never give him ease.

As red i will say one thing it takes more than a certificate to be a teacher, we teach our children, we teach our friends, we teach our family, but most of all in life we are consistently teaching ourselves. You owe no one nothing, and the people who engage someone like this, ask them whether they would forgive someone who cost them so much. Timing is everything. Free yourself, forgive yourself, give yourself peace, and trust why you made your choices. Celebrate your Xen, when you have it, it is worth more than gold.

Evacuating from emotional abusers

When your not supposed to be with someone your not supposed to be with them. You dont want them and no amount of bullying harassment or wearing you down systematically should divine that this one person is who you turn to. I once came across a guy who betrayed me in the worst way, after reaching out to him because i thought potentially he might make a good friend, i got the shock of my life. First i was ridiculed and humiliated by those around him so he'd feel better about himselves, but when is started moving past that. Getting my self confidence back,other guys began to find me attractive. He became extremely jealous as though i were a posession, as though i belonged to him. The more i struggled to build my self esteem the more he'd desperately tear it down, he was your archetypal psychopath. If i recieved phone calls from other men, he'd spread lies amongst neighbours and friends, ensure the people who i had once connected to were involved that i was loose or whorish. Despite it being extremely apparent to me that he had an interest in me beyond subtle niceties, this guy turned into my worst nightmare. Producing lies to alienate and Ostracize me from as many people as possible, it was done very cleverly by pretending as though it were a joke. I was just humor for him and his friends but there was something evil, sinister and psychotic about it. At one point out of sheer envy he came up with a plan to convince those that i was close to that i was mentally unstable. To friends i was described as 'the ugly one' he'd tell whatever affairs he'd listened too about me and my family to ensure we were looked down upon. Yet i'd see it in his bizarre reactions, when male friends came to visit, when id get a phone number from an attractive or confident guy, when i was alone he would happen to be near or tiptoe towards the same vicinity, pretending to get things from booths of cars, if i was moving about a certain time, he was suddenly moving about at that time, closing the front door quietly as he tiptoed back in. I hated him, because he had felt unsure of himself and inadequate his goal had been to destroy any ounce of confidence i had. When he sensed it coming back, the insults would begin again. He was psychotic.

Emotional abuse is psychological. Many of the things he did were sadistic and cruel, an abuser will use such strategies as comparing you to someone else to make you feel less adequate, insulting things that are precious to you, your skin tone the way you look, your features, whilst strategically trying desperately to control you. His problem wasn't that i had done, this that or the other, being someone with extremely low self esteem himself his problem was the fact that he couldn't control me. More so still because i had never ventured into a relationship with him. What would i say to women all over the world about men like this, the controllers, the Gaslighters, the emotionally abusive individuals who seem to believe human relationships is all about Millitant control. Run. People often argue points such as keep your distance if you value your self esteem, that's great, but what your looking at is a Suicide bomber and there are how many degrees of separation. We debate whether physical abuse is worse than psychological abuse, a wound will heal, but the mental scars heighten things you may already suffer from, paranoia, fear of trusting people and reaching out building , close relationships. They will counter their defense by belittling your emotions, calling you oversensitive, ensuring that those around you think it's in your head, yet if your so damaged and so lowly to them why the hell wont they leave you alone. It's simple on the surface they appear to be functional people, yet as time unfolds other people can see how damaged they really are. Relationships dont last unless it's a pretense, a man who may have a partner and a child, instead of being focused on planning that child's future, what school he or she goes to, what type of friends they'll have, where they'll be taken for the holidays and core things that deal with focusing on someone who is pivotal. It may not be a child, it may be a business and you have to be smart enough to be able to acknowledge why. I was called ugly systematically, nicknamed the embarassment, potential friends were warned of how supposedly loose i was. The abuse was insiduos and only took place whenever i was alone. Whenever other men appeared beside me and wanted to draw the situation to a close, he'd close the blinds, feeding more lies, at one point he had ensured those close to him spread a rumor that i had aids and was an ex prostitute, simply because i wouldn't sleep with him. He'd say things to friends such as "i wouldn't touch her with a barge pole," then beg consistently to others to convince me to have sex with him. " One night. Just one night." He'd try and make me feel inferior to family by saying such things as "No you just sleep with the dark skinned one, but the light skinned one you marry," Knowing how desperately i wanted things like marriage, a long term partner. He would assign those close to him to make jokes about how dark skinned i was, making it appear as though i was too black to be loved. Then one day it became too much and as i was at my lowest point, he'd encourage things like slit your wrist and cut your throat, hang yourself. Kill yourself. He's defence consistently remained "i was just messing about,i was joking." The worse thing about people like this is they appear to be consistently innocent. People close to me refused to believe it because they seem as though butter wouldn't melt. Butter doesn't just melt their soaked in it.

If you come across a systematically abusive person it's not just about you.Something in them is damaged and destroyed. A lot of the time, they want to be close to you whilst envying things about you.

Create distance
Find someone you can confide in be it a therapist, a counsellor, a friend
Out them at all cost, because what their doing isn't just sick, it's weak, their using you to make themselves feel emotionally strong. Do not allow yourself to be humiliated, if you were so flawed they would leave you alone.and focus on accumulating a better life, a happier life. You are not the embarassment they are. This individual refused to admit any interest in me because i was too dark skinned, not conventionally pretty, wasn't as popular as i had been as a child. Sing like a wolf. Howl like an Owl tell everyone, it will shame them into doing it less, because other people know about it. They can't defend it as easily, others would have witnessed it. The funny thing is for years despite the things i had accomplished even whilst dealing with a disability, ultimately i realised why he was doing this to me. I was seen as a strong person, and he wanted to humble me in the worst way possible.  I'd hear that supposedly " i fancied myself," when i'd speak up " he'd defend that i was paranoid, almost making me appear delusional." I began to feel unlovable. When people empathised with me, or he sensed it rather than admitting to his guilt, he would say things such as " i was playing up, performing, being an attention seeker." Whenever i tried to move away or create distance he became psychotic, " asking people strategically to slow me down. Dont let her get away, she runs away from everything." Yet i realised why he was doing this, in a show when i was watching the real housewives, one of the wives had said to the other, " i am your story,you need me just to talk about me just to get an interview, just to get a radio lookin, just to make a headline." That's how it felt with him, he needed me as a platform to have a topic of discussion with friends, family, anyone, he needed me to make him appear interesting. If i wasn't around him and those around him had absolutely nothing to share with others. To lure them in.

When you stand up to an emotionally abusive person, you will be told that your being a drama queen, manipulative, your always doing this, The problem isn't you it's the way they feel about themselves. Something about you makes them feel so emasculated they have to attempt to break your spirit.

Second thing women can be extremely dumb. One of my frustrations with the situation wasn't just what he was doing, but the fact that there were women who went along with it. Why didn't they speak up because whether they liked me or not a part of them knew it was wrong, that's why they kept it so hidden. That's why i was humiliated only when i was alone, then when other people were around me they'd make excuses for why they wouldn't create such a scene in front of others. It was much too much drama yet they'd expelled poison about those around me.

I also thought things such as all those young men who bought in just because they wanted to be part of a group, have a brotherhood, be part of something, what if that were there sister, or daughters they tuck into bed. Every woman has a side, every person has a past. Your past unless your a serial killer or an axe murderer your past should belong to you. It's not you, whether the abuser is a woman or a man, it's them. There are several degrees of pain separation, and sadly you may never know why your being punished for that one woman once upon a time that rejected him/her, for the childhood friend or sibling he/she could never measure up to. If someone is emotionally and mentally abusive don't pick the battle, pick the war. An exit is your best strategy. You will need your strength for all the tough things that life has coming your way, your self esteem is your armor. For men never be this guy, he does these things because he's broken. For women be strong enough not to encourage this guy, he is no pack leader. Your not being manipulative, your being honest.

Distinctly defining yourself

image from wonderfulengineering

Sometimes we find it hard to like ourselves let alone love ourselves. Others may loathe a confident air, some may see it as someone needing to be brought down a peg or two. Yet here it is another desert for us to peel away at, the banana peel most of us slip on.  The world is full of different types of people, different types help it orbit. If you are a positive person, know this in your spirit, others have a habit of seeing something great in someone and deciding they deserve it for themselves. Then earn it. Don't be the entitled brat in the corner saying the World owes me, just for my presence alone. There are great people who started in life and their journey's defined them. It was their struggle that made them reveal that greatness within. Why not celebrate it. We are magnets and the people we attract to ourselves is often very telling.

We want to attract positive people with a healthy self confidence. There is nothing wrong with having esteem in yourself, the world needs to know who you are. People need to see you, others need to hear your voice, you have no idea what skills or qualities you are bringing to the table and yet if you represent yourself in appropriately, life itself will try and humble you. She is the greatest teacher, the world ever knew.

When you come across someone with a high self esteem, don't be the dimmy downs it, and if you do accept that you may be feeling insecure. Be honest with yourself and the people around you as much as you can be. If you have a problem with honesty it is important, not to lie to ourselves. We are all diamonds in the rough, each revealing their own selection of carats. Celebrate the qualities you do have.

Feeling inner friendship: How to fight for the confidence within

image from absoluteart.com



It is an interesting thing, learning to allow the insults of others fall on deaf ears, yet today...it's something i plan to fight to keep hold of. People have a habit of trying to kick us when were down, and yet not all of them. There is  a world of people out t here. Not hundreds, not thousands, but millions, billions, and possibly even trillions. While we sit disecting the actions of the few, you are more than their narrow minded thinking. You are the way you are. Often times we fix and adjust ourselves according to size. Someone feels threatened so you humble yourself more, someone thinks your arrogant , so you ensure you express humility. Guess which lesson i had to learn the hard way this year. No matter what you do, there are people in life who will find ways and reason's not to like you. Yet for everyone who doesn't there are probably ten more, 50 more or a hundred more who will. Just as you are. Not needing you to negotiate your traits, not judging or questioning every move you make, because they have lives, and you are not the god of their existence.

I used to think that you need everyone to like you,then i started to realize with age, most people can actually count all their friends on one finger. People who have been there for you. There are people out there who will always be riled up because your something their not, you have a quality that they may not have.

Confidence is something worth fighting for. I was at a business seminar once and my Mentor asked me about close friends, feeling a loss, i said not too many of those. To that he succintly replied you have to be your best friend, you have to like you first before other people do, you have to see yourself as worthy enough to be loved, and worthy enough to be appreciated. We are a self worth discovering. I realize and i accept that people are flawed,some of the greatest people you'll ever meet, with telling stories, with vision with purpose went through this struggle called life. We are not perfect people. Do some of us go through hell trying to be perfect? Do some of us come through the Wars battling to please everyone around us, especially those we love? Yes. Can some of us be cruel at times, and be versions of ourselves we don't respect? Not that many people go out of their way to be imperfect, and yet i say to anyone who is trying to build themselves up, the person next to you is also carrying baggage on this trek. We may not be at Mecca yet, but we are still building and tearing down, your mental home will always need refurnishing.

The importance of knowing who you are

Image by: Mothyuku

When people are convinced with trying to convince you that your ugly or flawed in some way, it's because that's how they feel deep down inside. Tearing you down makes them feel better about themselves but not for long because were only human and our rightful place is to ascend. In the workplace people become the target of Office bullies, the Playground, even in simple routines such as going to and from the local retail store, yet we have to realise, which i started to, those people will learn tha comparing themselves to you, and competing with you will bring their self esteem nowhere. In fact they will become doubly insecure, and others around them will be slightly turned off by this compulsive need to put the magnifing glass or measuring tape up to the two lives. Once upon a time i would find myself adjusting changing certain things about myself about my life to accomodate other peoples inferiority complexes, and as i would change and adjust it never fit quite right. I soon began to realise those people were never happy because they were miserable within themselves. Misery likes company, dont let other people define who you are. They are unhappy within themselves let them fix them and let you, build you. Love yourself and build yourself confidence. It is priceless.

Hypnotic: Why he cant take his eyes off you

hearingtheharmony

Simply put because your so charming your alarming. That's right sometimes we have to toot our own horns , acknowledge our strength our beauty, The qualities that draw people of the opposite sex to us.
Men love a beautiful smile, maybe he caught a glimpse of that movie star grin of yours, those flirtatious bambi eyes and the street strut as though everywhere was your catwalk. Was it the bouncers( trainers) that you had on? The Kate moss pumps, or that red dress that seems to hug everywhere in all the right places. Attention is great, we all like to be acknowledged by the object of our affections. Respect is better. How to proceed...how to proceed.

Don't be a pop tart. Over eager, over friendly, overbearing girls, just get avoided. Although feminism does encourage women to be more independent, and be more domineering, and take charge, you can take a camel to the water, sadly you cant force it to drink. Female intuition gets our senses tingling, we hope we can tell the difference between damn she's fit, and ooh that's a hot mess I've never seen anything like it. Lead with regular smiles, greetings. "Hi." Let him extend a hi back, be consistent and not.....we've all been at those points in our lives or come across those people who you know if you don't say hi, or good morning, you can just picture them with a samurai sword and a shotgun. You don't wanna be that chick. Men love to chase. They say they hate women who play a lot of games, and once upon a time, on a little Island called la la land, I bought into that. There are levels of game playing that certain types of characters, not primarily men are willing to tolerate, it's all about self esteem, and self love. In a nutshell though, the hunt validates them. They are hunters, and women are story tellers, it gives both parties the opportunity....to high five themselves.

So the stare. Most body language experts hum about dilated pupils, feet pointed in your direction.......call in the experts it's a gypsy wedding. I will say this, make sure he's doing more than staring or glaring at you, make sure he's trying to build some consistent effective communication.  Making chit chat, trying to get to know you on a more personal level, it has to be more than a look.

 

I love this video: Confidence Kicks, How to build your self confidence

Cancelling the curse of the competitive person: The underhhand competitor

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Many people want the reward of a situation, but they are not willing to put the work in to accomplish the goal. How many times have you been around a friend or a family member and your driving away at something, maybe even someone you don't pay much attention to, you suddenly get a positive reward and a positive outcome, and that person springs into action.  Or you get teased about something but soon enough you either see them copying you, or the hysterical one is they'll hide information from you and may only tell you things when they sense your less of a threat. There's nothing wrong with competition, healthy competition with humour is perfectly fine, yet when you deliver good news and the reaction is strange, almost one of entitlement, you find yourself questioning whether you should have kept the good news to yourself.

We all get frustrated sometimes. Especially when you don't want to compete and actually you just want to share how amazing it feels to have reached this goal, how much of a boost it was to your self esteem, how much it lifted your spirits. Remind yourself that you don't need to trap yourself in that lack energy. Every time people with 'entitlement issues' discover a new fad, they jump right on it because they assume that the gratification will be instant. It's not the work you did in this second that got you the result, it's the work you did to lay the groundwork, it's the work you'll do for the future. It's not about lack it's about living. You will accomplish everything you need to accomplish because there's enough to go around for everyone. So whatever they need to do let them do it. People who desperately need to compete with others experience something called burn out. It's when you push and you push yourself watching what other people are doing, and allowing that envy to secretly seep into your mind. If you sense that someone is doing that around you, don't get angry, don't get frustrated, and rant like I used to do, get away and just focus on what you need to do. Don't let them have that energy it belongs to you.  Even people who love you can get threatened or feel insecure and get competitive, life can knock our self esteem. It creeps into the different nooks and crannies, but the best thing for you to do is remember there's enough success, and joy and happiness to go around for everyone.