The season

It seemed to be his season to tear her down, to destroy her with words which had too much rhythm in the bones, creating sombre blues. Why had she picked him? Elisa remembered the loneliness of the letter, inked tears expressing the delicacy of a heart already meshed with sadness, maybe she needed a friend, a vocal chord, a spine. Or just someone who could scream the way she couldn't. She hated him now his arrogance in the classroom, eyes which dotted her lanky frame and the chorus of laughter following her like a cloud. I was just trying to be kind, she screamed in her head, I I I saw something I thought shadow was man. I am nomadic once again. Yet the eyes continued to dance like fairy lights, insults as glued as spit on their tongue. Once when she had stood out in the rain and this hatred had consumed her, this unjust anger had eaten its way into her womb, she'd watched his matchstick frame walk by her shivering nervously for all the jokes he had told and all the cruelty she had experienced. Elisa had come to discover the boy who had no self esteem, prided himself on ridiculing others. Dotting his pitchfork your way and stealing your sight till all you saw was charcoal shadows. She had never hated anyone like this before, she never knew she could hate, it was as saw dust where blood should be, ink where there should have been water. It was that day she realised she would hate him for the rest of her life, and she had just been a lost girl reaching out. He could have been anyone. Because that's what loneliness is, anyone's game, someone misguided. To use their vulnerability to build a platform ,Elisa knew showed Serpents skin. She imagined that letter rotating around half the world, her watch ful gaze no longer pleading forgiveness for a thing of innocence.

how to deal with loneliness

Kicking the arse of a cold hearted crush

image from tumblr


Brilliant. So i was thinking to myself what would i do if my crush ever came across my romantic ramblings online.Well, Most perfectly sane people would simply lie through their back teeth, going out of their way to convince their crush they have absolutely no feelings for them whatsoever. Especially if their crush has acted badly.
Yet me, a strange martian, from a strange region in mars, have actually visualised myself debating quite fiercely with my crush, about who the crush belongs too. Totally warped i know. "It's not your crush it's mine. These are my feelings, and i have to deal with them"
"What?" My crush would ask in puzzlement,
"Well," and i actually visually created a whole court case scenario, nothing too Oj.
"Now all the evidence points to REJECTION. You won't sit with me, ignore me often, are mean when you have the chance to be nice,"
"So why not deal with it like a normal Sane person, go on a few dates, snob me back, be rude to me back,"
"Because i'm a writer, and i'm a bit eccentric."
"What's wrong with you? I mean seriously, don't you have a boyfriend, cant you get one," he ponders a moment, "don't you have a life?"
"Yes i do." He'll quirk his brows in deep confusion,then step back with hostility. My response? " So long as i'm not acting on these curiosities, infringing on your personal space, forcing conversation till the point you want to shoot me, pallying up with your friends, if i wasn't so visually obvious, you'd never have a clue. Now leave me alone i wanna write about this."

Why would i take on such a stance? Well, people act like being rejected by a crush is something your supposed to be utterly ashamed of. Crap. Were only human, the nature of human beings is to attract and connect. Sometimes the magnetism doesn't work so well,and you end up drawing the circus, or not drawing at all. The expression of love and warmth is a gift, it's also a responsibility. If you share that vulnerability with someone, if you haven't been sadistic or cruel in any way, it says a lot about who they are as an individual. I'm not saying everybody should be break dancing because someone is smitten, or attracted to them, i'd say simply take it for what it is. A compliment. I've been on both sides of the coin, and from my own past immaturity,and some mind boggling experiences, i've learnt to be respectful of someone of kind heart expressing their feelings. If someone has a crush on you and you've acted like a jerk, i promise you those feelings fade, and one day you'll miss their smitten anxious presence by your side. You'll miss the match work conversation that never lit and most of all, you'll resent the fact you weren't a Gentleman or a lady.

It's as simple as this. Crushes are not love their like smoke, it catches you, and there comes a time you blow it out. We've all heard of those guys or girls who act extremely immaturely or cruelly towards someone when they have a crush, only years later to find out that person ends up a millionaire or famous. Rightly so. I dunno if you've ever acted apaullingly to someone who showed too much interest one man or woman's trash is definitely another one's treasure.

Crooked places

image by Senju Hime

Crooked places
and we need love
with broken faces
Eyes that bulge
and sweat with salt
what i was
Then who im not
And all our little gypsy thoughts
The stray ones we once were
I wander bus stop
Catching tongues
Tripping wires
Of scents that burn
Time snaps it's fingers
Distant mess
A ringing phone
is in distress
The purse of lips
with smoke
Cloud in the air
For all chalk people
Wander here
Beneath the brook
Of trees that sit
A sky is dimmed
With grey scales lit
The cheese of day
Electric Night
And all our little Gypsy thoughts
Voices hiding in armpit soil

Grudge grippers:Letting go of a grudge

image by Ladynatthz



Letting things go Is officially one of the hardness things to do in history. Forgiveness takes a mighty strength. Hate is like arsenic to the walls of our hearts, it shreds us to mere particles, we become less than who we thought we were. There are many justifications for hatred. You become disgusted by someone for so long. The sound of their voice, the way they walk, their gutlessness or the cruel malice behind the things that they do. Those filthy agenda's which no one else can seem to see. Hatred can consume you, and become the very air that you breathe. I was once disgusted by someone, whose poor behaviour I knew stemmed from their own insecurities. I remembered once when I was younger I had confided in them about the pain in my heart. I was like a butterfly with a damaged wing, even I had to check emotionally if I was still breathing. I was older now I walked with confidence and pride, despite life's little scars, or the emotional javelins that were thrown at me. I found a way to be happy but most of all for sometime I became very popular. This person wasn't happy in their skin. They pretended often and lied a lot. They'd have petty reactions to seeing me like slamming the door in my face, spreading rumours, spiteful gossip and complaining about me and those close to me. They'd go as far as crossing the street. It was during a tough time in my life, and maybe some poor behaviour which I should have passed over and plain old ignored planted a seed of fury in my heart. I began to retaliate myself with vicious words of my own. For I had realised two things. When I had confided in that person about so much pain, I was young and not fully developed yet. Now that I was older I was told that I was attractive, beautiful sometimes, and had curves, but also the attention of someone close to them. Jealousy in spades. I realised then how cruel and manipulative someone can be, a woman who'd spent a lifetime being ignored and not being given attention, or feeling taken for granted by those she loved had turned rotten, cruel and competitive. I tell this story because loneliness can turn us into toxic versions of ourselves. Hatred will do the like. Insignificant, insecure people will always try and pull you down.

The reality is if it's not a problem with you, it will be a problem with someone else. Trying to make people feel small makes them feel better about themselves. Often it's because their envious of you, their unhappy,other times it's because they want your attention and can see that as the only way to get it. Most of the time it's because they've been through a lot of shit and are venting. Be the celebrity that you are, shine and freeze negative people out. Someone i know once said to me if the haters hate, give them more to hate about.
Keep your distance and stay away from negative toxic people. Their a virus who have already infected themselves why should they get to infect you too.

Awesome movie:Ten tiny love stories

Ten tiny love stories...what a superbly written and directed piece. This is a series of monologues about sex, love, loss and the past. Director Rodrigo Garcia produced a masterpiece. With cast such as Lisa Gay Hamilton, Radha Mitchell, Alicia Witt, we dont get a hollywood blah production of life experiences, but the intricacies and the diverse voices that express real emotions. That life and love isn't just format, it makes you think that those polished women you see on the street, or people you wouldn't look twice at all have a story to tell. It's rawness, one ladies desperate attempt to sever her loneliness by giving a blind date Oral sex, it's pain, a woman who talks about her experience of loosing her virginity whilst in the process remembering loosing her mother. They are the words someone confides to a best friend, a peep hole into the secrets of the heart, it's passion, and it's dysfunction. Check it out, awesome movie

Climbing Fences: Trust and why you should Let the world in (again)

If you let me see beneath your beautiful;
If you let me see beneath your wonderful.....

Emily sande and Labyrinth lyrics
How often do we find it hard to let others get close. Close enough to see beyond the barriers we put in place. Barriers that sometimes look like tidy garden fences, then you get close enough and you see it's the great wall of China. Some of us are bold enough to flood the world in. We say to ourselves if you can take me, then i'm ready for you. Others have been made shy through pain, trauma or damage. We let them tip toe in like fingertips across a new keyboard. We invite our 'strangefolk' one slice of pie at a time. We are so neatly cotton wrapped in old regrets, the fear of sinking to the bottom and watching everything come appart, watching those who we grew attached to leave, because their too many flaws we had which they didn't see coming. Suitcases packed, jet pack at the ready. Here's a lesson that I learned the hard way. When your on your last legs, damaged, broken, or simply vulnerable, the real people show themselves. Not the plastic shapes. Or the contacts that are great to talk to when your life's neatly folded. The real people suit up, and their ready to duke it out with you, because everything else before that was a test. Their comfortable to show you if your employing their the person you should be hiring. If you've alienated yourself from everyone because someone you loved so dearly let you down, or showed you something you didn't want to see. I've been there many times before, you have to start letting the world in a smile or a slice of pie at a time. There is growth in isolation of course. Loneliness leads us to ponder a whirlwind of thought. Yet whilst we play hide and seek with the world, were missing out. On potentially good people, adventures, clues that lead to great ideas, potential connectors for whatever scheme you're working on. The right people will be willing to take the time, to scale that fence of yours, and land on your doorstep or even in your backgarden. Letting people in doesn't guarantee everything will be amazing and they'll be immaculate in character; it doesn't mean people will never disappoint you in life, it means that you're stronger than any jack in the box situation, and you bounce back.

image by typepper