Dragged to emotional Debris: When people try and put you down

Whenever somebody is desperately trying to bring you down, there's only one agenda behind it. Bitterness and envy. Ask yourself one simple question. Why am I so important in this person's life? Why do I even matter to them? Why am I even significant? Let me give you the answer. You just are. They see something in you that you may not even see in yourself yet, and it doesn't just threaten them it makes them feel inadequate. People don't like to feel inadequate, therefore the only way they can gain significance in your world is by being that idiot who hovers near to cackle at insults about you, or other people ridiculing you. Lets look at this, because for ages I felt small because someone who didn't know me was spreading vicious gossip and ensuring others would judge me without giving me a chance, this was all about their own insecurities and inferiority complex. Then I put it in perspective, could I see myself associating with people this dim-witted? Would I respect their opinions? Their ideas and beliefs about life, would they inspire me, or would I cringe with embarrassment every time they opened their mouth to speak?  Could I see myself socialising with them, laughing with them, ever quoting something they said as genius? Would these people ever be the next president, prime minister, business mogul, with all the time they invested talking about me would they put it towards making themselves successful? Doubtful, highly doubtful. People like this would spend the rest of their lives just talking about what this person and that person did, does or may or may not do. They'll spend a lifetime glorifying any tiny mistake you make because their insecure, threatened and unhappy with their lives, and when you do or say anything positive they will continue to not acknowledge it. You have no choice but to take the anger out. I used to be furious at people like this but then I realise now these people are secretly unhappy with their portion and their trying to share the responsibility of their pain with you. These people  have lost a lot most of it things their probably too proud to speak of. It's their fear of loosing that makes them hungry enough to feel this deep seated need to compete with you. Your probably not the only person they have done this too. The more they try and drag you down have your boosters ready, the things you say to yourself, the things that make you happy, and live your life. Counter their negativity with your own positivity.

Budgeting the Bizarre: How strange are you

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Far out, weird, wacky, odd, bizarre? From dancing in the street, to discussing your ideas on your tape recorder. What are your strange quirks? Talking to yourself, dreams of wearing black to your white wedding, or having ice cream on prawn crackers...ooooh strange. Whatever the quirk, It is actually allowed. That's right we are allowed to be original, bold, distinct, flamboyant and creative so long as were influencing the universe positively. There is room for the eccentric.  sadly positively different people seem to threaten social norms , people distance themselves from them, alienate or snob them, as if their qualities could rub off on you. Then some of these people become millionaires, then everybody celebrates their uniqueness. Why didn't they celebrate them in the first place?
How much strange can you tolerate?
Your allowed to have your own style
From the Goth, to the style queen, the diva, to the icon. Be wild, unique and free, Express yourself with the positivity that you are and the being of light that you were blessed to be, our own stamp, energy, identity are the legacy's we will leave behind. Let that inner light shine brightly. Why spend so much time trying to budget yourself, over compromise, play hide and seek and sacrifice key elements of who we are just to please those around us, people who secretly are not happy in their own lives.  Celebrate your uniqueness, you are a welcome gift. 

Hypnotic: Why he cant take his eyes off you

hearingtheharmony

Simply put because your so charming your alarming. That's right sometimes we have to toot our own horns , acknowledge our strength our beauty, The qualities that draw people of the opposite sex to us.
Men love a beautiful smile, maybe he caught a glimpse of that movie star grin of yours, those flirtatious bambi eyes and the street strut as though everywhere was your catwalk. Was it the bouncers( trainers) that you had on? The Kate moss pumps, or that red dress that seems to hug everywhere in all the right places. Attention is great, we all like to be acknowledged by the object of our affections. Respect is better. How to proceed...how to proceed.

Don't be a pop tart. Over eager, over friendly, overbearing girls, just get avoided. Although feminism does encourage women to be more independent, and be more domineering, and take charge, you can take a camel to the water, sadly you cant force it to drink. Female intuition gets our senses tingling, we hope we can tell the difference between damn she's fit, and ooh that's a hot mess I've never seen anything like it. Lead with regular smiles, greetings. "Hi." Let him extend a hi back, be consistent and not.....we've all been at those points in our lives or come across those people who you know if you don't say hi, or good morning, you can just picture them with a samurai sword and a shotgun. You don't wanna be that chick. Men love to chase. They say they hate women who play a lot of games, and once upon a time, on a little Island called la la land, I bought into that. There are levels of game playing that certain types of characters, not primarily men are willing to tolerate, it's all about self esteem, and self love. In a nutshell though, the hunt validates them. They are hunters, and women are story tellers, it gives both parties the opportunity....to high five themselves.

So the stare. Most body language experts hum about dilated pupils, feet pointed in your direction.......call in the experts it's a gypsy wedding. I will say this, make sure he's doing more than staring or glaring at you, make sure he's trying to build some consistent effective communication.  Making chit chat, trying to get to know you on a more personal level, it has to be more than a look.

 

High Heels and Hop Scotch: Signs your girlfriend/partner has not grown up

 

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Somebody call crime watch , these tantrums should be illegal. Yet somehow they are not and you find yourself in a relationship where your consistently walking on tripwires, hot coal or convinced there are planes circling overhead. Most of us have either been this person or have been stressed out from the drama of being in  a relationship with this type of individual. They never grew out of their spoilt brat complex and are convinced a relationship with you is all about your skill and ability to be an enabler.  Do you feel as though 'yes' is the only answer they want to hear? That constructive criticism guarantees an ensuing slaughter of digs, insults or passive aggressive behaviour. Maybe their queen speciality is the firework flip out, or explosive tantrums. You also find that a lot of your time is either spent appeasing their insecurities whilst they childishly try and compete, belittle, or begrudge whichever innocent victim has strayed into their riot of emotional issues. Are they petty, bitter, ridiculously spiteful, and refuse to never take responsibility for poor behaviour.  Are they obsessed with image and looking or appearing strong rather than investing in actually being strong,
Being around them you almost feel as though your back in high school or pre school, and you feel constantly dragged into the sewer of their immature games.

For any relationship to survive the key is honesty and good communication. Love and sensuality are key elements, along with trust, yet there also has to be respect and boundaries. I understand someone being so frustrated and reacting to feeling so disrespected they just explode. They light up like a gas tank. That is also down to poor communication. If you cannot express to the person your close to that your feeling bruised or hurt, betrayed, or taken for granted, however ridiculous it may sound to you, there is a problem and this problem is called communication. How do we try and improve our relationships, we listen more, and we try to express ourselves honestly. What is helping your situation? Ask them, why are you really reacting like this? What's upsetting you, lets talk about this. People like to be heard. Often poor behaviour is a side effect of either feeling ignored, or a misunderstanding somewhere in the relationship.

If you become aware that this person is using their behaviour as a platform for complete control within the relationship, then don't be an enabler. If they kick up throw a tantrum or give you the silent treatment give them some space for the mood to settle, and when you feel things have cooled a little, give them your perspective in a cool and even tone. A mature tone. Allow both sides to be heard with less judgement.

Man in the apron: How MiSOGYNISTIC IS YOUR MAN

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Slut, whore, trollop?  What about his views on traditional gender roles within a relationship. Does he believe the woman should always manage and be the caretaker of the house, cook , clean, and should have only one male friend? Does he respect women's right to earn a high wage or does he secretly believe that any success a woman accomplishes is based on the bat of an eyelash and a push up bra. How about your successes? Does he always go quiet when you accomplish something, and make consistent digs about a woman's role, and not being his 'woman's bitch' or whipped. How does he refer to other women? Do you see him checking out certain other women, only to lie through his teeth later on and tell you he wouldn't touch her with a barge pole because she's so easy. How does he discuss other women? However he talks about other women is how he will one day discuss about you.

A man who respects himself, is not easily threatened, will not be threatened by the success and strengths of his woman. If you find yourself in a verbally, emotionally or abusive relationship with a man who tries to control what you wear, who you speak to, where you hang out, then be very aware he is a misogynist and is being controlling. If you find that his discussions with friends revolve around belittling and humiliating other women it informs you that he has self esteem issues, is toxic, and may not be the guy you want for the future. It is not a crime for a man to be an alpha male, to believe in traditional roles, but the foundation of any relationship is reciprocity, trust, sharing, support, if you find the relationship is all about what you can give to him, you feel consistently drained and his rants about other women are tiring to say the least.....you may feel as though he gets all the validation he needs from you, yet when you ask for things your told to stop being needy. Or your too full on. Maybe your assertive, yet you feel held back by a guy who seems to have a problem every time you show you can assert yourself......in case your having sleepless nights, ruminating, obsessively fixing, and trying to be less of the fully flamboyant person you are, the problem isn't you. You are just mismatched.

 

Embracing inner self forgiveness

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Anger. Control. I was furious. Betrayed, manipulated by a guy who was simply on the bottom rung of his self esteem issues, and he went after me because, he just wanted to feel good about himself. The attention seeking ace. Many men complain about this woman, many men have been this man. These are the attention seekers that are so insecure within themselves they crave your acknowledgement, and they will do anything to get it. I once had an experience where I was convinced there was a guy who from my visual accounts was clearly interested. From body language, the lurking , the watching, the happening to pop outside at the same time I seemed to be, beeping at me in the street, driving at snails pace to get noticed. My women's intuition was going insane. Wow, I thought secretly, this guy must really like me. I knew he lacked a lot of self confidence, what I didn't count on was that he would use the attention I gave him as a platform to put himself on a pedestal and gain acknowledgement from those around him. My assumption was my downfall. For being a modern woman I decided to be uber feminist, take charge, after all this was a guy with low self esteem he needed a little push. I could only awe at the naivety of my decision years later, as this guy for over two years used me as a subject of light, entertainment , and ridicule.  I was furious. Initially when this guys family were making me the object of ridicule, naively I thought nope 'nice guy' he'll say something, speak up, explain the reality of the situation. I had said my good mornings to him, you alrights, good evenings, my family were always cordial, we listened to his tales of woeful work. Then I realised too late. It wasn't about me being Miss nice body. This cruelty, this ridicule, wasn't just about me. It was about a guy who was secretly bitter desperate to assert himself as an Alpha dog in his household, using me as the stepping stool. It was about a family who didn't have a wealth of adventure or experiences to offer their guests, so they'd offer them lies and fiction instead. I thought about  how life should have gone according to plan, I was submissive enough to be kind, therefore he should have been kind too.

Then I realised for the women who have been raped, abused, men who have been robbed, people who have lost someone or experienced some sort of illness, or those living in poverty. Life isn't always fair. Who created that rule? That fiction that life had to be fair? If life was fair wouldn't everybody be happy? Wouldn't it just be like a musical? In life we cannot control people. We can only live our lives. I realised forgiveness is the only way to move on. Yet sometimes next to public speaking. Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things to do in life ever. It's not so much about forgiving other people. Some people are so messed up they will continue to make the wrong choices their whole lives, choices that hurt them, choices that halt them, yet it's not your job to fix them. We have to forgive ourselves, and know who we are. Love yourself, respect yourself and hold yourself to the highest standard, but most importantly forgive yourself. People often tell us that we have to forgive the negative influences around us in order to move on. Funny, it's not about forgiving them. You will be amazed at the skill at which some people can justify poor behaviour with ease, we do it, so we can sleep at night, because behind the prison bars of the mind, the conscience keeps whispering. We just want to silence it, so we soothe it with a string of excuses. If you could have predicted that the outcome of your situation could have been exactly what it is now, with it's negativity , and complications, that the pain would have been such as it is now? The answer is no. We take pain killers to avoid pain. Forgive you. If you were a psychic and could predict things would have turned out negatively you probably would have done things differently. Take the lessons you need to learn. I learnt you need to let people earn your respect, we are valuable enough and worthwhile enough.

Fine tuning ourselves out of funk:

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Stop telling yourself that you can and you will control everything. Sometimes in life there are things that we will not be able to control. When I was younger. I used to believe that everything was black and white, simple, things had the boxes they slid in between. Black and white good or bad, nice and nasty. Yet if everything was so organised.....nobody would have written the book when bad things happen to good people. We learn that we are reactors, and how we choose to deal with a situation, defines who we are and ultimately who we become. Years of anger can turn to bitterness....wasted energy. Feelings of fear mean avoidance and missed opportunities. You have but one life to live. Try your best to live it with joy. Write a list of positive things you will say to yourself every morning, positive choices, and positive celebrations. There is no one else like you on Earth. Affirm your success, affirm your progress, and focus on change and growth.