Coping with Change: Understanding evolving relationships

image by BlackmoonLilly

Relationships change and sometimes it's the hardest thing to deal with. The ever changing push and pull tug of what did i do to change this dynamic, could i have been a better version of myself? Could i have been a more patient self? Could i have acted more as the person they gravitate to. Then we realise, we are who we are. In life the people who love you are supposed to accept you for who you are, wether it suits them or not. Sometimes you may love the bones off someone and the next day, not like them so much, the reality is we are only human. It is not a crime to be you. There was a point where i had so many people consistently telling me there was something wrong with the way i was, who i was as a person, and then i looked with disgust as these people would try and imitate me. Or people who tear you down to friends and relatives, wait till everybody's gone, try and get close to you, then when their frustrated they can't you become the bad guy. Your suddenly the villain, which means they don't have to be accountable for anything. Here it is in a nutshell, we are all allowed choice. I believe in the simplicity of it all, sometimes in life you never know what people envy about you. From your looks, to your confidence, to your personality, whatever it is. It is their problem. If your willing to learn as you grow, adapt, be vulnerable, because life is the biggest teacher. Life will humble us, and bring you to your very knees. We are all learning and we are all growing, celebrate who you are, because you only live once.

Merry xmas everyone from Red ebony! Make sure it's a happy one.

image by Nurnurich

Xmas doesn't guarantee that we will automatically be happy. Yet your happiness is vital for the day. We fight for our cars, jobs, people who are abandoning us, homes, fight for your happiness day to day, because in life there are distractions. I once made the assumption that simply because you decide to get your life on the right path, the whole world will instantly agree with you. Everybody else will fall into line, everybody will high five you and give you a pat on the back, and tell you how awesome you are. Just for the heads up this Xmas remind yourself how awesome you are no matter who is trying to tear you down, we deal with trial after trial, jealous attention seekers, assuming that if they shine a light on our flaws nobody will notice theirs. In life you are allowed to have flaws, it's called being Human. Celebrate your life.

Signs of a bitter ex: Absolutely hysterical!!

This is absolutely hysterical, i almost wet myself laughing....so true to life.

Freedom and Forgiveness

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Anger unchecked becomes bitterness. It stays in the pit of your stomach, it rests there until it festers long enough to become part of your cycle. Sometimes we find were angry at first for all the right reasons, but as time passes the intensity of the anger doesn't add up.We begin to justify it, become our own lawyers, look for ways to validate our argument even though enough time has passed for us to privately conclude, somewhere along the interaction we were not Saint. We were also sinner. Letting things go is one of the hardest things to do in life, yet sometimes you have to, not for the other person but for yourself. Forgiving them doesn't mean asking them out for drinks, going out on the town, having a shopping trip, i realised something. When people hurt us they loose more than what they gain. They loose our time, our trust and our respect. Once the glory sheen wears off, and the action or the behaviour they carried out to either humiliate or just in an attempt to throne themselves wears off, they've lost you, and they will aways miss you. I believe life moves in cycles, envy and insecurity cloud judgement, for a few minutes or even a year of fame, the same person who set out to establish some sort of respect for themselves sadly will seek you out, but by then most likely you wont want to hear it. It's not because your cold or heartless or even mean, it's because your probably still trying to forgive yourself for taking a risk on that person the first time. I once took a risk on someone with the assumption that they were quote unquote a good guy, now i question what the concept of a good guy actually means. Forgive yourself. People punish us and that's fair enough, but to go on and punish yourself. Were angry because we have standards, because we were hurt, because there's lines which others shouldn't cross but they do because their only human, and human beings love to test boundaries. Remember the iintent behind what you did. You don't have to grin at the person, or make jokes with them, if they speak to you and you have the patience to be cordial, then go ahead. Just remember, what people do to you, they also do to themselves. Forgive yourself for the mistakes that you made because you may make those mistakes again, what do you plan to do the next time....hang yourself. We lead with our hearts often, rarely our heads, it's part of the human condition. Forgiveness is freedom, it gives you the permission to trust yourself to make the right choices and learn from your mistakes. Mistakes are something we all have in common. Forgiveness stops us from being guaded, it relaxes our protection field. Were free to live and breathe. If someone has hurt you painfully, with dishonesty, cruelty, ridicule or malice, now you know exactly where to place them, and you can cultivate more fruitful relationships.

Testament of trust

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When you loose trust in others sometimes it's even harder to build it within yourself. You question every decision you make, even the people you once upon a time invited with ease into your life. Here is an answer for an emotionally complicated question. There is no such thing as perfect people. People often make mistakes, that hurt us, emotionally, scar us at times, and make us turn the bedroom mirror into a therapy couch. The reality is, nobody comes with a warning. The woman who is being abused, has been de frauded and is now the object of ridicule for smug friends didn't meet a potential partner with a post it note or a tattoo on his/her forehead which said...i am damaged i am here to damage you too. We know the old adage, hurt people hurt people. The damage really comes in the aftermath of their tornado and the words we speak in the dark. Say something positive to yourself today. Wether you've been cheated on, lied to, thought someone was something they were not, remind yourself of the good choices you made. Celebrate the things you have accomplished Positively, with the right type of people. We all learn from our mistakes. It was a lesson, now take from it a positive education.

Real respect

image by Canoneos

I once took a risk on someone and watched in awe as they showed themselves to be everything i actually found unappealing in a person. Dishonest, manipulative, cruel, sadistic. What i had offered as kindness was used as a platform to ridicule me in an attempt to appear more appealing to others, and in their very insecure maner....make people stay. Make people find them funny, or likable, attractive in some way, and the more i tried to move forward from the mistake of such a bad choice, the same person that had tried so intensely to ruin my reputation, became jealous, and was actually investing more time to show themselves more toxic. From allowing myself to be wound up , getting angry, becoming furious, it became clear to me, the sadness of the choices they were making. How pathetic it was that they had to stoop so low in order to try and get others to stay, ultimately those people would leave anyway. They would require someone with more confidence, more adventure, more stories to tell, more of a likability factor. When you love yourself you have more to share than the flaws of others.I realised that i was better than such poor behaviour. There is an old saying i used to tell someone close to me, "sadly the bad one's always come back", they are like a revolving door, and are often deluded enough to think despite treating you so poorly you have such little respect they can gain entrance. Time soon comes. The same people who merrily tear you down will be eager to talk to you, or curious about the intricacies of your life. I've learnt with age that when people are hostile to you.....dramatically, and it is unprovoked, they are often hostile with an agenda. The more he ridiculed and belittled me with those around him to support his envy and that of others, i reminded myself that i wasn't a revolving door. We make a choice, to treat others with respect, and to ask the right qestions when we sense there is something amiss. Love yourself no matter what, you are worthy of the utmost respect. You are worthy of love, friendship, companionship, and most of all people who don't specialise in trying to use you as a platform to gain negative kudos.If they respected themselves they wouldn't have to stoop so low.

Love as a shield

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Love yourself, arm yourself with an over abundance of self love, admiration, celebrate your successes, because you deserve it. You deserve to laugh, smile, joke, be happy, confident, boisterous, charismatic, but most of all appreciated. In life we meet all sorts, and sadly we meet those who try and tear us down. If it means standing in front of a mirror for hours filling your head with positive affirmations, compulsively celebrating the things you can accomplish, plan to accomplish, believe that you are unstoppable, in your attempts at self growth healing, and confidence. We arm ourselves with self love so those who try and pull us down can fail terribly.

Healing through hurt: Forgive yourself

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Sometimes we like the idea of someone more than the person themselves, when reality comes to us the pain doesn't just sting, we look at a self we once trusted and ask it a string of suspicious questions. Our subconscious becomes the FBI. Why did you really think this was a good person? Why did you really invest that time trying to get to know them? Why did you try and make such an effort for them? Why didn't you see all the holes and gaps? How could you not clock that you were in the midst of quick Sand? My answer, because were only Human. People often display their best selves, everybody wants to be the Fairytale and not the Horror Story. A Serial killer would never walk up to you and say "Hi my name's Bob, i'm a Taurus, i'm also a serial killer," people often conceal the dark parts of their identity, because we like to be liked. People like to be liked. If you made a bad judgement call, invested poorly in someone, thought they were someone they were not, forgive yourself today. It's not just them you have to forgive it's you, because we punish ourselves for the crimes we allow others to commit to us.

Living life

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Life is for living. Celebrate it, embrace it, take risks, and glide freely through it. You live once in this life. If you dont take risks you will regret them, let regret be someone else's shadow, you are free to be happy and free to joyfully exist. You have one life celebrate it.

For all you gamers out there check out the start button blog!!!

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Start button is a new blog run by push start 89 covering a range of interesting multiplatform articles.
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Fantastic article by Irenosen Okojie

You say Bongo Bongo. I say bigot

Godfrey Bloom's remark canot be dismissed as eccentric or 'rogue'. It's racism, pure and simple

 

Irenosen Okojie

The Observer, Sunday 11 August 2013

 

Godfrey Bloom: his remarks were unacceptable. Photograph: Matt Cetti-Roberts/LNP/Rex

It is quite odd, I think, that there has even been a debate about whether Ukip MEP Godfrey Bloom's comments about "Bongo Bongo Land" – when talking about Britain's foreign aid budget – were racist. Some sly defenders have noted that he's a "rogue politician" and there have been "what an eccentric!" chuckles. Bloom himself has been utterly defiant.
Let's be clear. His comments were racist, offensive and disparaging. My initial reaction was incredulity. I thought I had inadvertently done the time warp and landed in 1920's Britain. Where is this Bongo Bongo Land? My guess is Africa or another foreign land, where Bloom no doubt imagines grasping, dark-skinned people gutting Britain of its riches, complete with hands outstretched, hollow-eyed stares and flies around their mouths. But look on the bright side, eh, Godfrey? At least they may be able to get their hands on some Ray-Bans with all that British money.
It has been an astonishing trajectory for Bloom so far. First the revelation of the video of his speech; then a series of high-profile interviews, including one with Channel 4's Krishnan Guru-Murthy in which he stormed off. And now his latest, ridiculous defence that Bongo Bongo Land refers to a white antelope. It is so awful it borders on comical. Britain's thriving, immigrant communities have existed for many years. How do the likes of Bloom expect people connected with Africa and Asia to feel following his insulting, dismissive comments?
That'll be people like me, Godfrey. I was born in Nigeria; I've grown up in Britain. I have a British passport and navigate the dual identity of being both Nigerian and British, both foreign and familiar. It angers me and reminds me that no matter how settled I feel in this country, there are those quick to use otherness as a trump card and dismiss countries in Africa, where people like my parents are from, in derogatory terms. The sad thing is, Bloom was so bold because there is an audience for that kind of rhetoric. It's an old trick: in a difficult economic climate, blame the foreigners. With so much talk of Britain being tougher on immigration, I'm not surprised this happened.
Ukip, the supposedly non-racist political party with the odd member who spouts, um, "controversial" views, has seen a rise in popularity. Having grown up in diverse London, it's easy to forget that parts of our country aren't entirely happy about multi-cultural Britain.
Now we have Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg's dinner date with the Traditional Britain Group, an ultra-rightwing society that wants Doreen Lawrence deported. A spokesman for the group reacted to her recent admittance to the House of Lords by claiming she's "a person without any merit whatsoever". Doreen Lawrence has tirelessly campaigned for justice and equality. She's a fantastic role model and a credit to this country.
When I hear these comments made by Bloom and the Traditional Britain Group, it's like taking a wrong turn somewhere and stumbling on to something you really don't want to see. Bloom is still feigning confusion about his comments. "I'm 63, that's the sort of phraseology we used years ago." Buck up, Godfrey, you sound like an entitled, deluded bigot.

Loving your life skin

image by Lauura


Love yourself today. You deserve it. Smile at your reflection, you have earned it. Wherever we are in life, if we journey towards positivity and we strive towards greater fulfilment we deserve to be happy. Happiness isnt about what's glossed ove in magazines or Tv images of bliss, it is something that comes from within, we feel refreshed, refilled, refuelled, revitalised, energised, tap into your healing, tap into your greatest self, celebrate who you are, and what you plan to become. Celebrate you and enjoy your life.

Sexiest Summer song ever

I love this track, it's one of those sexy summer oldies that you never ever forget. Enjoy people.

Dragged to emotional Debris: When people try and put you down

Whenever somebody is desperately trying to bring you down, there's only one agenda behind it. Bitterness and envy. Ask yourself one simple question. Why am I so important in this person's life? Why do I even matter to them? Why am I even significant? Let me give you the answer. You just are. They see something in you that you may not even see in yourself yet, and it doesn't just threaten them it makes them feel inadequate. People don't like to feel inadequate, therefore the only way they can gain significance in your world is by being that idiot who hovers near to cackle at insults about you, or other people ridiculing you. Lets look at this, because for ages I felt small because someone who didn't know me was spreading vicious gossip and ensuring others would judge me without giving me a chance, this was all about their own insecurities and inferiority complex. Then I put it in perspective, could I see myself associating with people this dim-witted? Would I respect their opinions? Their ideas and beliefs about life, would they inspire me, or would I cringe with embarrassment every time they opened their mouth to speak?  Could I see myself socialising with them, laughing with them, ever quoting something they said as genius? Would these people ever be the next president, prime minister, business mogul, with all the time they invested talking about me would they put it towards making themselves successful? Doubtful, highly doubtful. People like this would spend the rest of their lives just talking about what this person and that person did, does or may or may not do. They'll spend a lifetime glorifying any tiny mistake you make because their insecure, threatened and unhappy with their lives, and when you do or say anything positive they will continue to not acknowledge it. You have no choice but to take the anger out. I used to be furious at people like this but then I realise now these people are secretly unhappy with their portion and their trying to share the responsibility of their pain with you. These people  have lost a lot most of it things their probably too proud to speak of. It's their fear of loosing that makes them hungry enough to feel this deep seated need to compete with you. Your probably not the only person they have done this too. The more they try and drag you down have your boosters ready, the things you say to yourself, the things that make you happy, and live your life. Counter their negativity with your own positivity.

Budgeting the Bizarre: How strange are you

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Far out, weird, wacky, odd, bizarre? From dancing in the street, to discussing your ideas on your tape recorder. What are your strange quirks? Talking to yourself, dreams of wearing black to your white wedding, or having ice cream on prawn crackers...ooooh strange. Whatever the quirk, It is actually allowed. That's right we are allowed to be original, bold, distinct, flamboyant and creative so long as were influencing the universe positively. There is room for the eccentric.  sadly positively different people seem to threaten social norms , people distance themselves from them, alienate or snob them, as if their qualities could rub off on you. Then some of these people become millionaires, then everybody celebrates their uniqueness. Why didn't they celebrate them in the first place?
How much strange can you tolerate?
Your allowed to have your own style
From the Goth, to the style queen, the diva, to the icon. Be wild, unique and free, Express yourself with the positivity that you are and the being of light that you were blessed to be, our own stamp, energy, identity are the legacy's we will leave behind. Let that inner light shine brightly. Why spend so much time trying to budget yourself, over compromise, play hide and seek and sacrifice key elements of who we are just to please those around us, people who secretly are not happy in their own lives.  Celebrate your uniqueness, you are a welcome gift. 

Hypnotic: Why he cant take his eyes off you

hearingtheharmony

Simply put because your so charming your alarming. That's right sometimes we have to toot our own horns , acknowledge our strength our beauty, The qualities that draw people of the opposite sex to us.
Men love a beautiful smile, maybe he caught a glimpse of that movie star grin of yours, those flirtatious bambi eyes and the street strut as though everywhere was your catwalk. Was it the bouncers( trainers) that you had on? The Kate moss pumps, or that red dress that seems to hug everywhere in all the right places. Attention is great, we all like to be acknowledged by the object of our affections. Respect is better. How to proceed...how to proceed.

Don't be a pop tart. Over eager, over friendly, overbearing girls, just get avoided. Although feminism does encourage women to be more independent, and be more domineering, and take charge, you can take a camel to the water, sadly you cant force it to drink. Female intuition gets our senses tingling, we hope we can tell the difference between damn she's fit, and ooh that's a hot mess I've never seen anything like it. Lead with regular smiles, greetings. "Hi." Let him extend a hi back, be consistent and not.....we've all been at those points in our lives or come across those people who you know if you don't say hi, or good morning, you can just picture them with a samurai sword and a shotgun. You don't wanna be that chick. Men love to chase. They say they hate women who play a lot of games, and once upon a time, on a little Island called la la land, I bought into that. There are levels of game playing that certain types of characters, not primarily men are willing to tolerate, it's all about self esteem, and self love. In a nutshell though, the hunt validates them. They are hunters, and women are story tellers, it gives both parties the opportunity....to high five themselves.

So the stare. Most body language experts hum about dilated pupils, feet pointed in your direction.......call in the experts it's a gypsy wedding. I will say this, make sure he's doing more than staring or glaring at you, make sure he's trying to build some consistent effective communication.  Making chit chat, trying to get to know you on a more personal level, it has to be more than a look.

 

High Heels and Hop Scotch: Signs your girlfriend/partner has not grown up

 

image by littlemeep

Somebody call crime watch , these tantrums should be illegal. Yet somehow they are not and you find yourself in a relationship where your consistently walking on tripwires, hot coal or convinced there are planes circling overhead. Most of us have either been this person or have been stressed out from the drama of being in  a relationship with this type of individual. They never grew out of their spoilt brat complex and are convinced a relationship with you is all about your skill and ability to be an enabler.  Do you feel as though 'yes' is the only answer they want to hear? That constructive criticism guarantees an ensuing slaughter of digs, insults or passive aggressive behaviour. Maybe their queen speciality is the firework flip out, or explosive tantrums. You also find that a lot of your time is either spent appeasing their insecurities whilst they childishly try and compete, belittle, or begrudge whichever innocent victim has strayed into their riot of emotional issues. Are they petty, bitter, ridiculously spiteful, and refuse to never take responsibility for poor behaviour.  Are they obsessed with image and looking or appearing strong rather than investing in actually being strong,
Being around them you almost feel as though your back in high school or pre school, and you feel constantly dragged into the sewer of their immature games.

For any relationship to survive the key is honesty and good communication. Love and sensuality are key elements, along with trust, yet there also has to be respect and boundaries. I understand someone being so frustrated and reacting to feeling so disrespected they just explode. They light up like a gas tank. That is also down to poor communication. If you cannot express to the person your close to that your feeling bruised or hurt, betrayed, or taken for granted, however ridiculous it may sound to you, there is a problem and this problem is called communication. How do we try and improve our relationships, we listen more, and we try to express ourselves honestly. What is helping your situation? Ask them, why are you really reacting like this? What's upsetting you, lets talk about this. People like to be heard. Often poor behaviour is a side effect of either feeling ignored, or a misunderstanding somewhere in the relationship.

If you become aware that this person is using their behaviour as a platform for complete control within the relationship, then don't be an enabler. If they kick up throw a tantrum or give you the silent treatment give them some space for the mood to settle, and when you feel things have cooled a little, give them your perspective in a cool and even tone. A mature tone. Allow both sides to be heard with less judgement.

Man in the apron: How MiSOGYNISTIC IS YOUR MAN

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Slut, whore, trollop?  What about his views on traditional gender roles within a relationship. Does he believe the woman should always manage and be the caretaker of the house, cook , clean, and should have only one male friend? Does he respect women's right to earn a high wage or does he secretly believe that any success a woman accomplishes is based on the bat of an eyelash and a push up bra. How about your successes? Does he always go quiet when you accomplish something, and make consistent digs about a woman's role, and not being his 'woman's bitch' or whipped. How does he refer to other women? Do you see him checking out certain other women, only to lie through his teeth later on and tell you he wouldn't touch her with a barge pole because she's so easy. How does he discuss other women? However he talks about other women is how he will one day discuss about you.

A man who respects himself, is not easily threatened, will not be threatened by the success and strengths of his woman. If you find yourself in a verbally, emotionally or abusive relationship with a man who tries to control what you wear, who you speak to, where you hang out, then be very aware he is a misogynist and is being controlling. If you find that his discussions with friends revolve around belittling and humiliating other women it informs you that he has self esteem issues, is toxic, and may not be the guy you want for the future. It is not a crime for a man to be an alpha male, to believe in traditional roles, but the foundation of any relationship is reciprocity, trust, sharing, support, if you find the relationship is all about what you can give to him, you feel consistently drained and his rants about other women are tiring to say the least.....you may feel as though he gets all the validation he needs from you, yet when you ask for things your told to stop being needy. Or your too full on. Maybe your assertive, yet you feel held back by a guy who seems to have a problem every time you show you can assert yourself......in case your having sleepless nights, ruminating, obsessively fixing, and trying to be less of the fully flamboyant person you are, the problem isn't you. You are just mismatched.

 

Embracing inner self forgiveness

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Anger. Control. I was furious. Betrayed, manipulated by a guy who was simply on the bottom rung of his self esteem issues, and he went after me because, he just wanted to feel good about himself. The attention seeking ace. Many men complain about this woman, many men have been this man. These are the attention seekers that are so insecure within themselves they crave your acknowledgement, and they will do anything to get it. I once had an experience where I was convinced there was a guy who from my visual accounts was clearly interested. From body language, the lurking , the watching, the happening to pop outside at the same time I seemed to be, beeping at me in the street, driving at snails pace to get noticed. My women's intuition was going insane. Wow, I thought secretly, this guy must really like me. I knew he lacked a lot of self confidence, what I didn't count on was that he would use the attention I gave him as a platform to put himself on a pedestal and gain acknowledgement from those around him. My assumption was my downfall. For being a modern woman I decided to be uber feminist, take charge, after all this was a guy with low self esteem he needed a little push. I could only awe at the naivety of my decision years later, as this guy for over two years used me as a subject of light, entertainment , and ridicule.  I was furious. Initially when this guys family were making me the object of ridicule, naively I thought nope 'nice guy' he'll say something, speak up, explain the reality of the situation. I had said my good mornings to him, you alrights, good evenings, my family were always cordial, we listened to his tales of woeful work. Then I realised too late. It wasn't about me being Miss nice body. This cruelty, this ridicule, wasn't just about me. It was about a guy who was secretly bitter desperate to assert himself as an Alpha dog in his household, using me as the stepping stool. It was about a family who didn't have a wealth of adventure or experiences to offer their guests, so they'd offer them lies and fiction instead. I thought about  how life should have gone according to plan, I was submissive enough to be kind, therefore he should have been kind too.

Then I realised for the women who have been raped, abused, men who have been robbed, people who have lost someone or experienced some sort of illness, or those living in poverty. Life isn't always fair. Who created that rule? That fiction that life had to be fair? If life was fair wouldn't everybody be happy? Wouldn't it just be like a musical? In life we cannot control people. We can only live our lives. I realised forgiveness is the only way to move on. Yet sometimes next to public speaking. Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things to do in life ever. It's not so much about forgiving other people. Some people are so messed up they will continue to make the wrong choices their whole lives, choices that hurt them, choices that halt them, yet it's not your job to fix them. We have to forgive ourselves, and know who we are. Love yourself, respect yourself and hold yourself to the highest standard, but most importantly forgive yourself. People often tell us that we have to forgive the negative influences around us in order to move on. Funny, it's not about forgiving them. You will be amazed at the skill at which some people can justify poor behaviour with ease, we do it, so we can sleep at night, because behind the prison bars of the mind, the conscience keeps whispering. We just want to silence it, so we soothe it with a string of excuses. If you could have predicted that the outcome of your situation could have been exactly what it is now, with it's negativity , and complications, that the pain would have been such as it is now? The answer is no. We take pain killers to avoid pain. Forgive you. If you were a psychic and could predict things would have turned out negatively you probably would have done things differently. Take the lessons you need to learn. I learnt you need to let people earn your respect, we are valuable enough and worthwhile enough.

Fine tuning ourselves out of funk:

image by iatethecat

Stop telling yourself that you can and you will control everything. Sometimes in life there are things that we will not be able to control. When I was younger. I used to believe that everything was black and white, simple, things had the boxes they slid in between. Black and white good or bad, nice and nasty. Yet if everything was so organised.....nobody would have written the book when bad things happen to good people. We learn that we are reactors, and how we choose to deal with a situation, defines who we are and ultimately who we become. Years of anger can turn to bitterness....wasted energy. Feelings of fear mean avoidance and missed opportunities. You have but one life to live. Try your best to live it with joy. Write a list of positive things you will say to yourself every morning, positive choices, and positive celebrations. There is no one else like you on Earth. Affirm your success, affirm your progress, and focus on change and growth.

How to deal with a passive aggressive control freak

image by Daniellefershure

Laugh their control issues into oblivion. Most controlling people have one thing in common, they are extremely insecure, make that two, and extremely paranoid. If your fun and bubbly, somehow the passive aggressive person convinces themselves, well not all, the extremely insecure passive aggressive person. Convinces themselves that somehow you will outshine them and take everything away from them, somehow their insecurities are worn like a bracelet or a chain around their neck. The more you try and relax them, the more insecure they become. It's because these inferiority complexes don't stem from you it originates with unresolved issues they have, everyone in life has something that we've either been through or are trying desperately to resolve.

When dealing with a passive aggressive control freak, if you find that the more miserable you feel the happier they are. Don't complain, flip the switch. Moaning aint honing. It's their need to be centre of everything. If you sense that this person gets a kick out of your misery, laugh often and laugh loudly. If you have to put on comedy, if you have to give them a nickname in your head. I actually nicknamed one of mine, the 'evil giant cockroach', these people are not happy within themselves so they cant bare to see others happy. Someone once said people cannot give you what they do not have, that's exactly what they don't have. Happiness. So focus on being happy within you. Laughing within you, celebrating who you are, and not living in fear or dealing with the burden of other people's stuff. They feel bad about themselves so ....happiness is healing, happiness is medicine. Be happy, and fight for it. Don't let anyone steal your joy, you worked hard to get it.

I love this video: Confidence Kicks, How to build your self confidence

Filling your fulfilment place

Feel your mind with positive thoughts today and champion a wealth abundance mind set. Today is a day of infinite possibilities, grab unto as many of yours as you can. The world is your oyster.

Cancelling the curse of the competitive person: The underhhand competitor

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Many people want the reward of a situation, but they are not willing to put the work in to accomplish the goal. How many times have you been around a friend or a family member and your driving away at something, maybe even someone you don't pay much attention to, you suddenly get a positive reward and a positive outcome, and that person springs into action.  Or you get teased about something but soon enough you either see them copying you, or the hysterical one is they'll hide information from you and may only tell you things when they sense your less of a threat. There's nothing wrong with competition, healthy competition with humour is perfectly fine, yet when you deliver good news and the reaction is strange, almost one of entitlement, you find yourself questioning whether you should have kept the good news to yourself.

We all get frustrated sometimes. Especially when you don't want to compete and actually you just want to share how amazing it feels to have reached this goal, how much of a boost it was to your self esteem, how much it lifted your spirits. Remind yourself that you don't need to trap yourself in that lack energy. Every time people with 'entitlement issues' discover a new fad, they jump right on it because they assume that the gratification will be instant. It's not the work you did in this second that got you the result, it's the work you did to lay the groundwork, it's the work you'll do for the future. It's not about lack it's about living. You will accomplish everything you need to accomplish because there's enough to go around for everyone. So whatever they need to do let them do it. People who desperately need to compete with others experience something called burn out. It's when you push and you push yourself watching what other people are doing, and allowing that envy to secretly seep into your mind. If you sense that someone is doing that around you, don't get angry, don't get frustrated, and rant like I used to do, get away and just focus on what you need to do. Don't let them have that energy it belongs to you.  Even people who love you can get threatened or feel insecure and get competitive, life can knock our self esteem. It creeps into the different nooks and crannies, but the best thing for you to do is remember there's enough success, and joy and happiness to go around for everyone.

Pocket money: How financially independent are you?

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What is your financial discipline? How do you manage your money? The money you save grow it, use it and utilise it. Invest it in a course, a product, or a business. Money is energy. The mistake a lot of people make is they save, save, save, deny themselves and then eventually an all ensuing hunger consumes them and they invest that money on something that wont give them a return. A house will not automatically give you a return, it is not a guaranteed asset, neither is a car. Invest in things that make you money whilst you sleep. You want sleep walking money. This means investing in your financial education. All the wisdom we need comes from within. Yet sometimes we need to tap into those mentors with the information, the contacts, the structures in place which will help us with our financial fortitude. Knowledge is power. If you are working in a dead end job that you hate and you are saving towards a course that will lead you towards financial independence you are on your way. If you have invested in an advisor a mentor that will help you improve your skills, and all your abilities so you can be more of an asset you are on your way. Money is energy. It's the translation of ideas, it's the sharing of your personal resource and time, it's the recycle and reward.

We often make the mistake of confusing someone who is in a high paying job with someone who has a lot of money, how are they spending that money? Are they utilising their funds? Saving investing as best they can, making plans to get out of the rat race? Or are they just flashing things and paying a lot of bills to make it look like they have enough.  For example are they miserable paying bills towards a car or a house that they cant pay for. Manage the small things, then you will be upgraded to the big things. Invest in your knowledge of financial abundance. Courses, seminars, ask the right questions, the internet is your best friend, there are bookshops, so many creative free services to assist those determined to be financially independent. The mind is abundance why not tap into it.

Hindrance and Holidays: The emotionally unavailable man and his delicious disappearing act

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Here's a question for the books. When someone keeps disappearing on you when do you realise that you don't need them any longer? When do they realise you don't need them any longer? The thing about negative patterns is that often we only realise were in them when those feeling sink in too deep. Do you deserve someone who will be there when there's a crisis? When the shit actually hits the fan? Someone who values your time and the energy you bring to a relationship rather than an emotional escape artists? Yes. Wondering why he/she hasn't called will be bearable to an extent, being frustrated when you haven't met their friends or they haven't met yours or your family, you will be able to tolerate that to an extent and then eventually life happens. There will be real things, events , circumstances, where you will need a rock rather than just some sexual intimacy, there will be times when you will need an ear rather than just pillow talk. Emotionally unavailable partners are emotionally unavailable for a reason. There will be a list of stories a mile long about exes who were crazy, the damage it did to their self esteem, all these traumatic issues of their past and how impossible it is to get too close. We all become cautious after pain, pain makes you question your judgement, your choices, your life even. Yet if you are in a situation where you know the person involved in you just keeps taking and disappearing, not giving much back, you have to make the right judgement call for yourself. Real love is about reciprocity. It's the best friend that will literally drop everything just to listen to you and make sure your okay, it's the family that support you, and the little they have, they share it with you. It's because they love you, it's because they care about you, and when you need them their there. It's not 'complicated', there's not a fable or a folk story, if their absent it's for a real reason and not for a selfish one.


You cannot fix them because its not your job. It's a choice they have to make within themselves, it's a decision, they have to make within themselves. You cannot undo the knots of their shady past and you cannot carry the burden of their unresolved issues. It's a deadly hostile weight, and it will disempower you.

Fixing broken things is like a human addiction. Somehow we believe by saving someone else we can save ourselves. Here's a harsh reality, the emotionally unavailable man will commit to someone but sadly that someone may not be you. Women/men often find themselves bitter because someone who seemed emotionally unavailable with all these fears and commitment phobias, ends up happy and committed with someone else. The alternative is to not be bitter. The alternative is to be happy and say were worthy enough, valuable enough and we deserve love too in all it's riches and fulfilment.

Dick in your detective: Signs he's just trying to use you for sex

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wow who hasn't been there? Who hasn't done that? Is he interested in you as a person? Is he interested in getting to know who you are? Your opinion on topics such as politics, culture, social commentary. Is it a hideaway romance, where your both hermits in the din of his house or apartment, or are people actually seeing you around? Do people actually see you on dates? Do you guys do other activities outside of sex? Or is he just desperate to get to the nitty gritty. Does he discuss personal situations, intimate matters with you, or are conversations placid and dry. Does he just randomly stop by, and you only seem to get late night calls? Do you feel an awkwardness after intimacy as though your either expected to leave, despite all these promises he's made to you. All these lovely things said, that at the time seemed so genuine? Do you feel as though the actions don't match the words. He loves you but your still introduced as a friend, when you ask if your serious he aggressively argues your trying to force marriage down his throat, he's proud of your relationship yet you don't seem to have met any of his friends and none of his family? This guys is not for you. Do you find yourself feeling guilty about simple things like calling him up, and asking how he is, you almost feel as though your being needy, or stalkerish. You feel as though he or she keep suddenly going cold, or after being ridiculously intimate, telling you how amazing you are, how much they want you and then nothing. No phone calls for ages, no visits, and there's always a story. His phone is consistently ringing off the hook with other women who happen to just be 'friends'.  They may act jealous and possessive, draw you near, randomly talk about things they think it would be cool for you guys to do whilst you 'hangout.' You are not their number one priority, so why should you be theirs. Why be made to feel bad because simply you care too much for an attention whore who may not actually want to reciprocate the depth of the emotions you feel, the responsibility of a committed relationship, but reap the rewards or the benefits of having you nearby.

The funny thing about people is even just having you there and knowing that your feeling unfulfilled questioning yourself, wondering why your not enough for them, they get to take it for granted, because they don't appreciate your strengths or the good things about you.
When you are in this type of relationship you feel devalued, insecure, you don't trust them, because their lack of commitment means their available and free to access all areas with everyone.

List all your strengths. What are your qualities? What do you like about yourself, value about yourself, what do you bring to a relationship? Is it fun? Bounce? Creativity? Flamboyancy? Warmth? Care. List your assets and your strengths, wouldn't you be happy sharing this intimately with someone who you don't feel guarded with, who doesn't feel threatened every time you give them a bold show of affection. If you sense, which you already know, that your partnership is not equally matched, that your giving more than what your getting, it's time to take your unique selling points to someone that will value them. Be prepared that the concept of loosing you will inspire different reactions from your 'user' buddy', they may advise you that it's the best thing, then beg you to stay. They may vilify you to others spreading slanderous gossip because their bitter you actually had the audacity to attempt to move on. The thing about people especially users is they tend to take you for granted, then it's almost like a sixth sense in them, they can tell when your leaving and may actually fight tooth and nail. Sadly sometimes it's not so much you their fighting for but the ease of the situation, and the comfortability factor.

Anihilating A.t.M syndrome: How to stop being used for your money (GOLD DIGGERS BEWARE)

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Stop leading with talk of how much money you have
Watch for people's reactions, do they seem bored or uninterested and then they hear you make that comment and their eyes light up?
Are they constantly asking you for things? Or requesting things that you know they wouldn't spend their money on?
Do they keep happening to have forgotten their purse or wallet, yet you seem to see certain new goodies on them
Are they constantly hinting about what they want?
They have expensive taste
Financial problems which of course are never their fault
No health problems or disabilities but seem to get by on their looks
Trust your instinct or intuition
Stop abusing your own pocket by overextending your finances and lending them money for things they don't need.
If they cant pay their bills. Maybe they should have saved up before they invested in that property, if they cant afford the meal, maybe they should just like your company, get creative and spend fun time together picnicking in the park, enjoying a night in, there are loads of cool cheap or even free hide aways for romantic rendezvous, that can be both exciting and a huge turn on
Is the money you lend them never recycled?
Do they support you in other ways as well as just sponging off your bank account. Some money grabbers are strategic with their greed, they may initially pay for things but soon enough the habit of maintaining your purse for money becomes too much of an addiction. They seem to be like a child in a candy store no matter where you go, and you seem to be the provider. If your intuition informs you that you are dealing with this type of character lead less with discussions about how much money you have, stop making your funds appear too available, and making yourself an abundant target. This person needs to take responsibility for their needs instead of trying to sponge off you.

Don't be manipulated because they will make you feel guilty for not giving them exactly what they want, keep informing them about their progress or potential to move forward in life by taking active charge of their responsibilities, and their life. You are not their saviour. Stop buying their affections, you will still be a good person if you don't give them exactly what they want. Most likely they can acquire those things for themselves, they will respect you more, and respect themselves in abundance.

Jekyll and Hyde of Mr Nice guyZeus phenomena

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People say power corrupts, or sometimes they say money does. I think someone has to have those yearnings deep within themselves, somewhere in the dark recesses of those contrived organized placid systemic smiles. We say everyone has a dark side, but what happens when Mr nice guy turns nasty. What I've learnt over time is that everybody has a side, everybody has a coin element. I wrote this piece for every woman or every man even whose kicking themselves right now because someone who appeared to be so regular and so nice, over time revealed such a nasty nature to themselves. An enjoyment of cruelty, or a contemptful nature, and slowly sucking the self esteem out of others through a straw because they had none. For women who have dated emotionally abusive men, bullies, liars, controllers, manipulaters, and you begin to have a deep resentment towards yourself because why you? Why do you keep picking these guys? How could you not see who they were, or how they were? How did they trick you? They tricked themselves. That abuse that they throw at you, those comments, from the person who manipulates you with the silent treatment when they don't get their own way, alienate you from family, drive you so far away yet hunt you down like an animal because suddenly they need you so near. You need to understand all these things that they do is not about you, it's about how they feel about themselves. A man who may be jealous of the fact that your bubbly, likable, outgoing, and attractive, may make it his goal not just to attempt to make you feel small. Yet to really bury you in their feelings of inadequacy. Sometimes we do a lot of self blame, we question our judgement, and forget to tell ourselves, we chose those people not because we thought they were bad people. It was because we thought they were good people. A guy who later decided to try and bully or ridicule me for over a year because I was no longer interested in him, wasn't especially good looking, he didn't have a lot of money, he had a strange tone to his voice, he wasn't charismatic, or intelligent. What I saw to him, was a nice guy, he seemed like a kind hearted soul, and he seemed reliable and the sort of person that was honest. Despite the signals and signs which appeared to me as though he were interested in me, it was a funny show of events to see the other side of him. Weak, a follower. His family didn't find me especially physically appealing, they favoured lighter skinned women, rather than simply admitting that he was attracted to someone they may not approve of. I was called every name under the sun, lied about, gossiped about, and because it was feeding into his ego and need for validation, he went right along with it.

People have various sides to them. Time reveals all, within us, we have to decide what were willing to tolerate. What we will stand for and who will allow to engage our lives and our energy. Your energy is precious, your joy is precious, share your essence with the right type of people, and don't brutalise yourself for making imperfect judgements, we are not perfect people. Time reveals all. If you've made a mistake and bad judgement call, it was that....a mistake. Don't let other people drag you down because they feel inadequate.

Eva Longoria's commando: Marketing campaign (internet buzz hot new news)

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I love Eva Longoria she's stunning,sexy,stylish,sadly unlike the rest of the population I don't believe Eva commando going Commando (wearing no underwear) at the Cannes Film festival was a mistake . It was a cleverly timed, strategically, organised publicity stunned. She's an actress. That whole 'oops there I go' sorry not buying it. Why did everybody else movie directors, actors, public, writers, other actors remember to put their underwear on. Putting your knickers on is not something you forget.....unless your forgetting it on purpose. We all thought such attempts at publicity mongering were for the Britney Spears, and the Lohan's, clearly Eva has got her own bag of tricks up her sleeve. I have to say though she looked absolutely fabulous, the dress was magnificent, shoes, she's got a great little body, and that stunt will ensure that for the next year her agents cell phone is ringing off the hook, for more magazine deals, interviews, directors will remember her for potential TV shows or movies, this is a woman who will definitely not go gently into that good night. Although what I do feel sorry for though is these upcoming directors, film makers, writers, and even those who are really just about their work and their art, then some celebrity comes in and makes it all about them.

Millionaire mindset: How to really become successful (Love this video)

Amazing motivational video absolutely epic. This moves me, and it will move you to action.

Kanye West Controversial new track: New slaves

Kanye West "I'd rather be a dick than a follower."  Kanye West burns it up with his acid tongue, and his ever evolving style. Attention hungry or not, he's a strategist, and he keeps people talking. He keeps tongues busy because .......he's unpredictable.

Eurovision song contest hysterics (Aizerbaijan's take on David Blaine)

Emelie De Forest won for Denmark, but i'm sorry the real triumph of hilarity goes to Aizerbaijan what the hell was that performance. With one guy singing and the other one dancing and miming in a glass box, absolutely hysterical. Although I have to commend anyone who stands publically and makes a huge spectacle of themselves for their country, that's very honourable, but Aizerbaijan definitely have put David Blaine out of work for a while.

Mistakes as Moulding

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Our mistakes can either be the making, the shaping or the breaking of us. Don't condemn your judgement, often even the bad choices we make come from a good place. Recently I was having a discussion with my mother about dating, I specifically asked her to start picking, my choice in partners and potential friends, because so far. Some of the people i'd invested in had shown themselves to be cruel, dishonest, false, and some even a threat to my safety. She smiled at me then and said the most bizarre thing, in the most offhand tone. Something I hadn't said to myself in years, because the anger within had gnawed so deep. "I TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT." Huh . I almost collapsed right there, then I realised.

In order to move forward in life you have to trust yourself 100 %. People may let you down, they may disappoint, they may hurt or betray, but when you minus the one, your the one that's left. We find it hard to forgive ourselves the bad choices. When actually we were simply looking for buried treasure in all the wrong places, that doesn't make you an idiot, dumb, stupid, naieve, it makes you hopeful. Sometimes you meet the wrong people to learn the right lesson. This person takes often, and gives little, their not a good investment for friendship in the long run. This person has a jealous nature will they build me up or tear me down? This person likes to belittle others, are they being honest in what they think of me. Nobody is perfect. We are all evolving creatures, masterpieces of our own mental creations. Forgive yourself the bad choices that you made and try and learn from them. In order to get across a river there will be stepping stones, each one brings you closer to the other side, to a more fulfilling destination. Love yourself, forgive yourself. It was a mistake, it wasn't meant to break you. You were meant to learn the lesson, now you can go on with the rest of life's class.

Luuuvvv this track: Outkast atliens: keep it moving

Lies for the Languid: How to spot an easy liar

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I recently had an experience where someone who I thought was an honest person began to lie, consistently. Along with their lies came their justifications, came their aggression, and what lurked within the sheets of a warped elongated tongue. Fear. Exposing a liar, is in those seconds of miniature expressions. Those things that a keen eye cannot miss. "I didn't take the money," they argue aggressively, their tone is defensive, saying don't push this, their eyes dart towards an exit looking for a potential escape. It's in the crevices of body language, and the throbbing of your gut instinct. The friend who says their happy you've just landed your dream job, then dismisses further chatter or excited banter about it, eager to focus on a past mistake you made. Or decide to make you feel insecure by going for a topic of discussion in your social group that either makes you feel alienated or has you feeling as though your barefoot walking on hot glue. What about that friend who says she's happy your new boyfriend and you got together but spends most of her time flirting with him or discussing your other exes to make them feel uncomfortable, or question you in some way.

There are different types of liars. Some liars are very strategic, tactical, and manipulative. One thing is guaranteed, in time with all liars, the more you collect fabrics of the story, the more none of it will add up. There will be holes in their story. Their reactions to certain incidences and their behaviour wont add up.

There will be a drawn out silence, some liars actually by instinct elongate the mouth a little, in a curved smile. Liars are the bane of every principled person's existence. Some liars lie so regularly and so effectively you actually believe their lies are genuine. The false victim who is actually winding up someone till the person lashes out.
Sadly some liars are so good at telling lies, they should get an Oscar for it. Pay attention to body language. Someone who lies yet looks away
A mini expression
A diversion of eye contact
Backtracking
Stories that just don't add up
A dramatic reaction to something minor. Ask the liar the same question at a later date, in a more relaxed tone. When the liar feels they are less under surveillance, they wont stutter or stammer, they will just reproduce the story in a completely different format. Key things to do when sensing someone is lying to you is act completely natural and calm. Learn the art of hiding your true hand until your ready, this means, not narrowing your eyes, not turning a simple conversation into an aggressive interrogation. If you have a boss that tends to lie and be deceptive, with certain people you may need to document or even record what they say because their agenda is not just to backtrack but could actually be more sinister than that.

An ultimatum for your self esteem

patrickwanis.com

There it was. His phone number in bold blue ink. He wanted me to get in touch to call, to catch up on old times. I knew in my heart there hadn't been that many 'good old times' to catch up on. The ground was always jelly with him, the tears ran like a rain storm, and at the end of it I was always the one who had to be put back together like humpty dumpty. Only there were no kings horses and all the kings men. There was just me alone with my thoughts and my tears. It hit me then like a symbol. Ultimatums.

When we give ultimatums it is important to have the strength to stick to them. Otherwise the same people repeat the same negative processes that leave us feeling hurt and questioning those around us. Giving someone an ultimatum isn't about playing god, or for those few moments having the upper hand. It is a rule of respect. You are saying if you don't respect me, if you violate my trust, hurt me in anyway, you will lose me. There will be a price to pay for such poor behaviour, because I show you respect. I show you understanding. Healthy boundaries are not about control, their about maintaining equilibrium. If we don't respect ourselves, others won't respect us. If you do respect yourself and find yourself disrespected by someone who is supposed to care about you, love you, be a good partner or a good friend; you can decide how much of your trust your willing to invest in them.

Skylining: How to keep aiming high

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Aim high, real high, because you could be the person who changes history. The one to make a difference in your life and the life of your family, go for that dream, reach for that promotion. What's the worst that could happen, you get let down? You get rejected? You just keep going. Many of our leaders in this society, are in the positions their in today because they believed in something, they fought for something, they were ruthlessly ambitious, and they just kept going. Their saving graces may not have happened instantly, it may not have taken place that week, that month, that year, but it took place and they were champions of change. You have to aim high and be persistent. It's easy to settle for mediocrity, change means pain, it means stretching yourself, it means possibly alienating the people around you who you have been familiar with. Aim high because when you accomplish your goals, you reassert, that you can do the impossible, that you are a phenomenon and can bring the change you require. In any attempts for skylining you will get the warners , people who care but are trying to protect you from getting hurt, the doubters, who have failed at so many things they don't believe in anything anymore, and the people who will be supportive and share your joy and jubilation. You have to believe in you, you have to believe in yourself, who you are and what you can accomplish. People may try and talk you out of Sky lining, but what's the saying, if you aim for the sky, you might land on a cloud. Faith is not fiction, believe in your capabilities. Believe in the impossible. A gentleman said in the secret the film, I cant see electricity but I know it can cook a meal and cook a man alive, seeing isn't always believing. Believe in what you can do, believe in who you are.

Friend in the Frame: When your friend is too into your personal affairs

image by Mothykyuu

From boyfriends, to best friends, job opportunities, even to the way you walk, and the style of which you talk. Many will tell you tales of the copy cat frame, and how it unravelled into a single white female saga, with a seemingly normal best friend becoming too.....as some would put it.....inner. This is when your friend begins to selfishly believe your whole life revolves around them.  From flirting with boyfriends, or jealous when you get any attention, trying to alienate you from other friends and consistently trying too draw as much information from you as possible, with their own intentions in mind.
Come up here, where the air is good, and the sky is clear, and the birds can soar. Sometimes friends will do this unintentionally because well their your friends, and they cant help but interfere, because they love you, and they care, and they want to see you happy. Yet if you sense that the agenda is different, and you are simply dealing with a queen Bee phenomena
. Some social climber secretly envious of what you have and desperate to either take it away from you because they want it, or they're just competitive full stop. Focus on you, and rise higher. You don't need to end up in the mire with all their bitterness and their inferiority complex, rise higher, focus on you, focus on being happy. People like this are not happy full stop, it's not so much that they want what you have it's that your happy, your content, whilst their secretly bitter and miserable and they cant take it. People pick the strangest things to be envious of us about, calculative people are clever with their jealousy. For example a jealous person can falsify evidence which can trick people into believing that their the victim, yet  when your around them you have to use logical thinking. Nobody wants to admit to being jealous. It instantly promotes the other person as being stronger, more of an asset, having more to offer. 

 For example how often do they talk about you. If you have someone that's secretly bitching about you 24/7 day in and day out, whether their laughing, or just being mean spirited, their basically trying to target you because they've failed in their own lives. If they were genuinely happy, your name wouldn't even be brought up. You have to be smart enough to say to yourself what am I missing here? Is this person happy in their skin? Are they confident do they have a lot of their own friends? Are they likable? Likability factor is key in self promotion, from business, to any area of life. If people don't like you, they wont try and help you, and you could be the best looking person in the world. To climb up, and to promote ourselves sometimes we need assistance.  Happy people don't have the time to focus on insignificant things, other people's personal affairs.  Here's the thing, if you have a friend who is too into your personal affairs for competitive reason's draw a line in the sand. A simple diversion from the topic, and when you consistently divert she will get the hint. If she has a habit of flirting with your boyfriend or trying to get information from him, tell him how you feel, explaining your emotions and feelings, if it persists, begin to create distance, and she will soon get the hint.