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Saturday, 27 September 2014

motivating the mind

Testify your own success, its not a matter of if, its a mater of when. We are the creators of a world relived from our mental confusion. Life is filled with chaos. A chaos of thoughts, a chaos of emotions, use what you can use and discard the pull of negativity when you can. Those angry days bring us to our knees, we re storms brewing in tiny teacups and when we explode a lot can go with it. Don't let failure tip toe around in your head, if you have a strategy use it. Don't work against time, work with her and work in a manner which
 Will make you pride yourself.

dark knights

The shadows lurk here
Cupped by the tide
A kissing silhouette
And raw
We are the
Beneath the blue
our chain links build
Hold me
And let the night
Be our song.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

Beautiful African

for a while I wanted to end up with an Asian guy, or this guy I thought was really beautiful. He was ethnic. Yet I realised when I went through some of the most painful experiences of my life, this dream I had, this illusion it wasn't real it didn't exist. The most I received from him ever was a beep as his car drove by and somehow I knew he was aware of the torrent of pain I was in. Never a conversation, never a smile, as others jostled or ridiculed me he' d join in and laugh, being part of this loathsome community, then it hit me today. When I go home I'm gonna. Marry a beautiful African man. I'd often hear his siblings pipe that I wasn't good enough for him, and I'd think what the hell has that got to do with it. This is not a man that's interested. I hit 30 today the big pow wow, the best news is, I'm going home and it may not be everything I imagined. There are no pretenders there. If the people hate you, they hate you, they don't beep at you in cars and then join forces with those who destroyed everything, and convince themselves it was just a game. I'm celebrating the men in my culture the ones back home, who wouldn't have joined others with poison in their hearts, and then beep at me as I walked around the neighbourhood. Happiness is one of the hardest things to find but at some point I was happy everyday, if I don't find that, I will build that from scratch back home, in whichever form. Yet I will celebrate the men that I wouldn't say belonged to me, but who would be able to approach me, laugh with me, joke with me, share opinions with me, and just get close enough to miss me when I'm gone. That will be real. Play both sides, a sick game is not what I'm looking for, I'm fighting to get my self esteem back and build something with the type of men that are allowed to love me. I will kick another gate, and laugh as I bound with energy up another street. I will build a hub, and there the next generation will kick gates too.

The psychology of a coward

it will be a while. A lot of my pain started with taking risks on the wrong person.The wrong people, then ultimately feeling a resentment take the place of love. I can't love the way I used to any more because its not pure, it will be tainted with feelings of betrayal and resentment. I resent those closest to me for not seeing the truth, for being the great pretenders they were, and knowing things, not everything, but knowing hints and sensing and never taking a stand. I call it being unprincipled, they call it wanting an easy life. My body is being crucified by medicines it doesn't need, I take those pills out of love so those around me don't fall apart. Its all a lie. I was the one targeted no one else because I was nice enough to reach out to a guy who had absolutely no self esteem, no confidence nothing, I saw his loneliness in me. I sensed the reasons why his car would line the front of my house despite meals being cooked for him next door, the barrage of questions he'd ask siblings. When he had nothing and tried to reach out to me at his lowest point, I would leave the comfort of my home run outside and wave because I saw his tiredness and his exhaustion. With all the male friends I had I heard the stories of men being snobbed because they worked in retail, didn't have a certain amount of money in their account, didn't have the flashy cars and expensive things, so I made a point, every time I saw this man I would wave, I'd ignore the beeps from his car, the slow pull of it beside me as I walked. I knew how loneliness felt. I couldn't admit this to my family I'd always been popular, and likable it was what they expected from me. I took on a jealous mother, because I knew how it felt to be an Island. I still remember the feelings as I scribbled that note, I was terrified. It was years since I'd actually thought of reconnecting to anyone. He looked like he could make a nice friend, those naieve letters of mine had ended badly in the past but he was different, seemed different. Out of pure envy bitterness and jealousy this guy single handedly destroyed my family life for me and messed up my head. I ended up in hospital, I ended up on medicines, already being someone that had been through trauma before. Despite making me the object of humiliation and ostracizing me from my whole neighbourhood, he did something worse than anything anyone could imagine. He Gaslighted me. The guy who I thought was a victim of his mother at the time and felt ostracised made sure that I felt exactly how he had felt. I wrote that letter because he was lonely, and I saw that. He used it to turn me into a joke for years to the point where I would become so furious and wonder why I'd been targeted like this, this guy used me as a platform to make friends telling people whatever he knew about our family to make his socially awkward family more liked in the neighbourhood, and despite telling those around me I wasnugly, unattractive, he wanted to end up with my sibling because she was the fairskinned one, anytime another man tried to get close to me he would go absolutely nuts. Suddenly I was the worse person in the world, conveniently right after some guy wasn't looking at me and saying I was ugly, or ridiculing me, or putting me down for my intelligence. He destroyed the most precious thing to me, he strategically tried to get me sectioned with his mother then when I started taking the drugs he would convince me that there was poison in them. I became terrified of every man at the time because of him. Whilst my family fell apart , mother sobbing, siblings crying, his remained quiet laughing with amusement boasting to neighbours about what they'd done. Despite being a black man he'd ask Asians to shout out the word Nigga, as I came through the neighbourhood. Love is a word I treasure. Its weird now because I'm going home for good I haven't told anyone at home, and the word I used to feel such ease saying,  it ends up twisted in my throat. There's people I love with all my heart their touch seems different now, home doesn't feel like home. I wrote a note to a guy who had absolutely no self esteem, no confidence nothing, at his lowest point and in return he didn't try to destroy my whole family. He did destroy my whole family. I am the heart of the family, everybody has their position, when I'm down were down, each person is the heart in their own way. The funny thing is when I'm long gone, he still won't find happiness, and he'll never find peace. Every time he sees my family he will remember what he did, and because he has a daughter there's no justification for it. Here's where it gets real I'll be free, but he won't. It will be there everywhere he turns. My family used to call him the nicest person in the household, whenever things went bad  which was rarely we'd knock on his door. I can't wait to get home, I'm excited I'm eager, why am I writing this article.

When confronting him he denied everything denied calling me a slag, slut a whore, denied paying people soul money to try and destroy my spirit, people who they pretended they weren't associated. He destroyed me so his mum would love him more, because this woman was so obsessed, so envious, so fixated, and so jealous in his logical messed up mind the way to get more of her love was to destroy me, and when I tried to move past it date other guys start relationships that's when he became more cruel, as though how dare you find love or happiness. How dare you build your self confidence. Why am I writing this, don't have a saviour complex, that lonely isolated guy who stares at his shoes when he walks and doesn't have the confidence to approach you, may be that way for a reason. I had my own issues and because he was on self destruct he wanted to take me with him. Now I'm going home. During this time despite the support I've acquired from my family, I refused to take things that didn't belong to me in my system, the things I did were to protect, yet ultimately I ended up feeling completely alone. In this lifetime I will never see this guy again, if I have to put a continent between me and the troubled people around him, I will. This guy tried to convince me to commit suicide regularly, next time you reach out to someone that's completely messed up, make sure your ready to survive yourself, and the feeling of betrayal that comes with it. This is a guy who managed to convince me that I would be gangraped, family members were killed and buried, local neighbours had burgled my home. So much. This really began with a letter of kindness to a guy who was so lonely the way I was, I couldn't just see it, I could feel it. This began with empathy.

Tuesday, 23 September 2014

The shadows

It took me over five years to realise who I'd crowned best friend,was not a friend at all, just terrified of her own lonelinss, and somehow despite my laughter, the hot line of friends that circled us, I had become lonely too. it was the strangest thing, we went everywhere together, called each other at least 3 or four times a day, I was a consistent passenger in her car, her ever constant, I soon realised I was a passenger in her life. A side kick, and when she aptly spoke of being extremely lonely, I realised what I held in high esteem, wasn't what she valued. I was here, her shoulder, her ear, how could she be lonely? Then when another person entered our hub and she admitted she had more respect for her than me, I was befuddled. This was the person that had once described our friendship as a marriage, someone who I'd literally leave everything for just to ensure she was safe.

The worst thing about shadows of the past is in time they take form and have face again. You remember all those things hatred helped you forget. Its so difficult to dethrone the bad memories yet somehow you must fight for the good ones. The good ones will feed you in the darkness

imaginary him

The king of the household
Walks in steed
Tiptoeing into
The plates without
Lifes Lead
For home
Is laughter,
It is choice
The busy world
Brings in the noise
This gate he keeps
He guards it well
Removes the slumber
He oils the shell
For it is slick
And green with moss
We seek
The love
A time forgot
On supple skin
And pleading hands
And doors that lock
Where there's no slam
For at my bosom
He will rest
And all our kittens
Will grow on breast
This world for man
A triumphs storm
For I have loved
Far from
The norm
As I weave
His principled threads
The kiss of silk
A sun once fed
A tapestry
Our woven strands
our tongues enjoy
Our pancake plans

Sunday, 21 September 2014

How to deal with someone who is obsessed

Signs a guy is obsessed with you. First of all let me tell you obsession is less about beauty, and image. Is someone is fixated on you, at all cost keep your distance. There was a guy who till this day,refuses to leave Me alone. He'd isolate me from friends planting hostile seeds of paranoia, convincing me that male friends especially we're plotting something sinister or to hurt me in some way.The more I connected to, went on dates, afiliaed with new men, potential friends, potential partners this guy became more twisted and psychotic ,lashing out like a angry boyfriend, spreading rumours that I was loose. Or a prostitute. No matter how many times I asked him to leave me alone, he refused. Saying things like " I just want one night with her, one night," despite desperately enviously trying to alienate me from e everyone close to me. The most effective method he used was gas lighting where with my own clear sight I'd witness him call me a slut, whore, slag, tell personal family affairs. Eavesdrop on things that were sacred and private before spreading it to as many people as possible. He'd defend his actions by telling those around him that " I was too ugly for him, too masculine," he'd systematically pick out flaws. insulting my dark skin, calling me things like Monkey, spreading stories I had aids, convincing those around me I was mentally unstable whilst walking around without a care in the world.  At the start I had not seen it for what it was.

He wasn't smart, but someone who lacked no confidence managed to use me as a platform to boost his self esteem. Every time there was the possibility of him being outed for the sick things he was doing, this obsession he had. He'd defend it by saying " he was messing around, just joking." Yet it was cruyel and sadistic. When he first started his hate campaign I'd assumed that I must have done something wrong, then as I looked on, I began to notice a pattern. The tirades of abuse always began after I'd met a friend, or spoken to a guy friend on the phone, or been spotted with someone....preferably male When the harassment started initially, he was so convinced even I became convinced, maybe I was ugly, maybe there was something wrong with me, the worse he got, the more I bough into it until one day I saw the pattern. Him and those around him were trying to punish me for daring to attract the attention of other guys. I began to resent this obsession he had it frustrated me beyond belief if I was so ugly why wouldn't he leave me alone. Why wouldn't those close to him leave e alone, he was obsessed with filing me with new paranoia, when I spoke to a male associate and another friend, they put it in simple terms.  " This guy is attracted to you, and hates you for it. Most of all your silence is protecting him. Tell people what he's doing, others know."

When I finally did open up about what him an the around me were doing. I was heartbroken, he'd managed to convince those close to me with the help of an exceedingly jealous mother,that these things were all in my head. Eventually I began to have feelings of resentment as those around me would ask such questions as am I experiencing paranoia. His gas lightingbhad worked. Strategically it was never done when I was with others always alone, isolated, at one point I had been teetering on the edge of committing suicide. As this guy would consistently harass me, try to mentally break me down. Yet when confronted would play the victim, and act as though I had imagined the emotional abuse. The less those around me questioned my honesty, the more isolated I'd become. Soon enough I was doing what he was doing lying. Yet once again lying on his behalf, covering up why I was crying, or doing strange things like slashing at my skin, hiding depressions and faking smies. I just wanted to be left alone,and I was tired of his outbursts of " one night, just one night with her." Tired of hiding the pain I felt because my siblings were treated differently, my sister was a fairer skin, and he'd often announce it to friends as loudly as possible always when I was alone. " The light skinned one I'd go for the light skinned one, the dark skinned one looks like a monkey. I can't be seen with her in the street, she has a reputation," a false reputation which he had built for me out of envy. As I listened to him spread more lies about those close to me, discussing family affairs, medical procedures,going as far as calling us the dirtiest people in the neighbourhood, and dealt with the fact that he left key facts about our family out such as useful connection we knew, business contacts, I realised something whilst having to ignore such comments as " if that girl ever had my baby I'd abort it." And having to keep my head up whilst he told " Asian friends to call me a Nigga as I walked up and down the street, and call me a whore. Whenever I told the truth I was told that I was being dramatic, or manipulative, and the more I'd attempt to speak to those close to me about it, the ore it created a distance which they were not aware of as I would be asked in puzzlement if I had imagined these things for they seemed completely out of character,this was a guy that stared at us shoes when he walked. Absolutely no self confidence, yet as he crucified mine suddenly he was braveeheart?

Many women make the mistake in thinking when a man exhibits behaviour like this,its about possession and his hurt feelings. This is a psychopath,at all cost you must tell everyone what is being done to you. Cowards like this, or truly sick individuals are like rodents. They work best in the dark . What he was doing was a form of abuse,emotional and mental abuse...the irony was I wasn't even dating him. This is a guy that tried to convince me men were out to rape me, that is a sick mind. Upon the advice of family I was told to keep things quiet, make no spectacle, have no confrontation, just ignore it I was told. Whenever I tried to discuss it I was given the look, I believe that reaction encouraged his behaviour to get much worse. Before long thing spiralled out of control, yet I wonder if he would have done the things he did if the people around me spoke up. When a male friend wanted to confront him about his behaviour he'd hid in his house and closed the blinds.  He never confessed to the truth. Others had seen how fixated he was, he'd quizzed and probed, seeking answers about things like if I was seeing anyone, who I was dating, wanting to find out about the guys I spoke too. Major. Tip anytime you come across someone this obsessed you must either report them to the police, or tell as many people as possible. My silence empowered him, him and those around him began to fictionalise themselves as victims. Making it appear as though my hostility towards them was because they had other private affairs. Harassers, stalkers, controllers have to be dethroned the way you would an abuser and a bully, with honesty and as much shared info as possible. They should be ashamed not you. Thy don't do it because your weak, they do it because if they can weaken you, they can control you. How messed up must they be on the inside and you won't be the only one to see it. keep your distance, document it so there's evidence. If you need to talk to someone professional you should. Eventually I got tired too trying to convince those around me of what he was doing. I realised that the most important thing was that I knew the truth and he wouldn't break my spirit so low self esteem meant, I could be puppeted. It said more about him as a man than me as a woman.