Frustrating Crushes

Not all of us get to marry the president, and become first lady.Most women want to marry a leader, not someone who simply follows the masses, and has their identity in rotation. crushI personally find a man very attractive, when he knows what he wants and can't be manipulated, or puppeted by someone insecure, or even just bored.
As much as i still look through the window when my crushes van appears,or get those excited tingles, and chills, when i sense he's following me in his car, but too scared to say, 'lil homie what you trippin on,'he he. I remember those days when i wasn't so shy around him, more confident, more openly friendly.Then i also remember the other times when his mother would start acting up, all clingy and controlling.

Advising her son to cross the street, or roll up windows, ignore me if i politely said good morning. I remember the nasty bitching and backbiting she did, and how despite knowing i wasn't a bad character, Despite calling me by phone, and 'happening' to be around places i was 'happening at.' All it took was one jealous, insecure, petty trouble making woman, and suddenly he couldn't even make eye contact, or attempt to be friendly.I know how bad his shyness can be, but that's no excuse i'm sorry. I get trying to please your mother, but seriously
?

After a recent two year disaster of 'shame dating', the hundred times he strategically drove past me, and i knew he wanted communication, i knew he was feeling down at times, vulnerable, sometimes even fragile;i thought now you know how i felt. First it was pride,and then it was an actual flamboyant fear. Disappointments had changed me, i wasn't the old charismatic girl i used to be. I was creepy, and paranoid at times, and although a sensual confidence had appeared in me.


The core, the foundation of who i thought i was,had become loose, like bolts and nails on an object that looks perfectly stern at sight, then at touch it quickly collapses.I can't even complain, i literally couldn't bring myself to simply say "Hello." I just kept thinking it hurt when you snobbed me, and i was always really nice to you. Now you wanna be friendly? When there's no one there to see it?