Monday, 20 May 2013
Hindrance and Holidays: The emotionally unavailable man and his delicious disappearing act
image by wowurnotkidding
Here's a question for the books. When someone keeps disappearing on you when do you realise that you don't need them any longer? When do they realise you don't need them any longer? The thing about negative patterns is that often we only realise were in them when those feeling sink in too deep. Do you deserve someone who will be there when there's a crisis? When the shit actually hits the fan? Someone who values your time and the energy you bring to a relationship rather than an emotional escape artists? Yes. Wondering why he/she hasn't called will be bearable to an extent, being frustrated when you haven't met their friends or they haven't met yours or your family, you will be able to tolerate that to an extent and then eventually life happens. There will be real things, events , circumstances, where you will need a rock rather than just some sexual intimacy, there will be times when you will need an ear rather than just pillow talk. Emotionally unavailable partners are emotionally unavailable for a reason. There will be a list of stories a mile long about exes who were crazy, the damage it did to their self esteem, all these traumatic issues of their past and how impossible it is to get too close. We all become cautious after pain, pain makes you question your judgement, your choices, your life even. Yet if you are in a situation where you know the person involved in you just keeps taking and disappearing, not giving much back, you have to make the right judgement call for yourself. Real love is about reciprocity. It's the best friend that will literally drop everything just to listen to you and make sure your okay, it's the family that support you, and the little they have, they share it with you. It's because they love you, it's because they care about you, and when you need them their there. It's not 'complicated', there's not a fable or a folk story, if their absent it's for a real reason and not for a selfish one.
You cannot fix them because its not your job. It's a choice they have to make within themselves, it's a decision, they have to make within themselves. You cannot undo the knots of their shady past and you cannot carry the burden of their unresolved issues. It's a deadly hostile weight, and it will disempower you.
Fixing broken things is like a human addiction. Somehow we believe by saving someone else we can save ourselves. Here's a harsh reality, the emotionally unavailable man will commit to someone but sadly that someone may not be you. Women/men often find themselves bitter because someone who seemed emotionally unavailable with all these fears and commitment phobias, ends up happy and committed with someone else. The alternative is to not be bitter. The alternative is to be happy and say were worthy enough, valuable enough and we deserve love too in all it's riches and fulfilment.